Examples Of Narcissistic Abuse: Identifying Your Situation
It can be challenging to recognize whether the behavior you’re experiencing from your partner is abusive or toxic. While conflict, disagreements, and occasional mistakes can occur in many relationships, abusive relationships can differ. One type of abusive relationship is narcissistic abuse, not to be confused with narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissistic abuse refers to abuse by someone with narcissistic traits. They may or may not have a personality disorder diagnosis. However, having a personality disorder does not necessarily mean someone is abusive, so understanding the difference between these terms can help reduce mental health stigmas.
If you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies, you may notice that they ask for excessive admiration, lack empathy, and showcase a sense of entitlement. Understanding how to identify these behaviors and signs of narcissistic abuse can help you receive support and find safety.
What is narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a term referring to abusive behaviors with narcissistic tendencies. For many in these types of relationships, the narcissistic abuse can cause a confusing cycle in which you know your relationship is unhealthy but suspect it may be your fault because you are blamed for the behavior.
This behavior is not unique to romantic relationships. You can experience these feelings in a relationship with a parent, a mother-in-law, a co-worker, or a friend. No matter who is engaging in this hurtful and confusing cycle with you, you may be considering multiple explanations, looking for an answer to help you understand what is happening in your relationship.
The United Nations defines abuse as behavior that demeans, belittles, threatens, harms, or overpowers a person in order to have power over them. Abuse can be emotional, mental, physical, or sexual and occur in any relationship.
What does a person with narcissistic traits act like?
A person with narcissistic traits is someone who exhibits the personality traits of narcissism. Although the term “narcissist” is often used in society to refer to those diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), the term can be limiting, as not everyone who lives with NPD is defined by their condition. In addition, the term “narcissistic” can be used outside of the clinical setting to describe someone who shows traits of narcissism but doesn’t necessarily meet the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder diagnosis.
A person with narcissistic traits may show signs of insensitivity, lack of empathy, and manipulative tendencies. These symptoms can feel hurtful to others who interact with them, and may even be abusive. If an individual has narcissistic traits, they may have the following personality traits:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Unhappiness when they do not get their way
- A difficult time accepting criticism
- A need for constant praise
- A tendency to take advantage of others
- Difficulty seeing the needs of others
- Focusing on success, beauty, and power above all else
- A lack of empathy
- Callousness or cruelness
- Believing they are better than others or deserve more than others
It may be difficult to understand why a person might stay in a relationship with someone with traits like these. People with narcissistic traits may be charming and kind when you first meet them and early on relationships. However, the charming behaviors often end after a few months together.
Narcissistic abuse is often a hidden type of abuse. Narcissistic abuse might be challenging to identify because those in such situations may have difficulty articulating the manipulation they have experienced or struggle because they can’t put their finger on any physical symptoms. For example, when narcissistic abuse is discussed in survivor support groups, survivors often use the analogy of a frog being slowly boiled alive in a pot of hot water. If you threw the frog in right away, he would be immediately, painfully aware of the heat, and jump out as fast as he could. However, if you gently drop a frog into a pot of room temperature water and slowly turn up the heat, he will not notice the gradual increase in temperature.
For many survivors of narcissistic abuse, this analogy is used to understand how the abuse occurs. If this analogy resonates with you, you are not alone. If you did not notice the signs right away, it is not your fault, and you can still find support and leave your abusive partner if you have not already.
Examples of narcissistic abuse
Having evaluated the impact of narcissistic abuse, you may also benefit from knowing the forms narcissistic abuse may take. You may have experienced physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, or financial abuse. In many cases, survivors of narcissistic abuse have been subjected to many forms of abuse over a prolonged period. The following are a few examples and signs of narcissistic abuse.
Narcissistic abuse: gaslighting or psychological manipulation
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that causes another person to question elements of reality or their own lived experience. Below is an example of gaslighting behavior:
You have a letter you need to mail, so you address and stamp the letter, take the letter out to your mailbox, and raise the flag. You have now done everything you needed to do to make sure the letter gets mailed.
Later, after a stressful and chaotic day, you cannot remember if you mailed the letter. You ask your partner if they recall you doing so. Your partner clearly remembers that you mailed the letter. However, instead of putting your mind at ease and saying, “Yes! You mailed it; I remember seeing you put it in the mailbox,” they tell you that you did not. Their deliberate misinformation may result in a frantic search for the letter and stress for you. As you search, they further gaslight you by telling you you’re “crazy” and “must be losing your mind,” despite knowing you’re not.
Gaslighting may cause you to start to question your sanity. The following can be signs that you are a survivor of this behavior:
- Apologizing often, even when it is not your fault
- Blaming yourself for every setback
- Loss of confidence
- Feelings of isolation from your friends and family
- Difficulty with decision making
- Feeling like you have lost a sense of self
When someone engages in gaslighting, they make statements to encourage you to doubt your memory of what has happened. They might tell you that you said something you know you didn’t say or question the details of an event until you start to question it as well.
The behaviors involved in gaslighting can be difficult to catch from the start because they are often gradual. People with narcissistic traits may know when to turn their “charm” back on to avoid losing the relationship. If you start to catch on that they’re gaslighting you, they might initially react defensively and then decide to apologize profusely or give you a gift to try to make up for it without addressing the problem.
Blame shifting
Another form of narcissistic abuse is blame-shifting. People with narcissistic traits may struggle with self-esteem. They may be overly critical of themselves and others, potentially making them reluctant to accept responsibility for their actions. As a result, they might find it easier to ignore the stress of accepting responsibility and pass all the blame to you. Blame shifting can cause you to feel you are at fault for their actions.
If this behavior continues, you may start to believe them and accept the blame. If you do this enough, it can lead you to start believing that you are the person acting abusively. As a result, you may struggle with low self-esteem and self-doubt, even if you have never experienced these issues before your relationship. Over time, this behavior can wear you down psychologically and emotionally, and you may feel you have lost your sense of self.
Withholding
In some abusive relationships, a person may withhold certain areas of your life together to manipulate you into doing what they want. Withholding could include money, conversation, affection, love, or kindness. If you try to confront them about their behavior, they may deny it or blame you. They may tell you that your needs are wrong or abusive.
In some cases, you might feel that you are constantly working on trying to earn what you need from the individual. When it suits them to stop withholding, they may expect you to feel grateful for their sudden generosity and assume that you will thank them for doing you a favor.
For example, the person acting abusively may withhold love from you, despite being in a relationship. You might try everything you can to get their love, including sending messages, giving them gifts, thinking about their needs the entire day, or apologizing for past mistakes. However, you may notice that they only start to give you love once you decide you’re done trying and want to leave them. Once they notice they might lose you, they “turn their love back on” and start to give you affection, potentially causing you to want to stay in the relationship and deny your own needs.
Ignoring boundaries
In some cases, abusive relationships may involve an invasion of personal space or ignoring boundaries. For example, your partner with narcissistic personality disorder may follow you to track your location using an app. If you set boundaries, they may ignore them. If you enforce the boundaries, it may lead to a cycle of gaslighting, blame-shifting, withholding, and isolating that leaves you feeling confused and hurt. If this happens repeatedly, it could indicate you’re in an abusive relationship.
Isolation
At times, individuals with narcissistic tendencies may isolate their partners. They may not want their partner to be influenced by others, knowing that their behavior is unhealthy. They may also worry that their partner’s loved ones will identify something wrong within the relationship and encourage their partner to end it. Isolation could also occur due to jealousy or fear of you “cheating” or leaving them for someone else.
Isolation often occurs when the individual tries to convince you that your family and friends are causing you problems. For example, they may spread rumors about the people you love, telling you they have said or done unhealthy things. You might experience tension with your loved ones due to this, which could cause conflict between you and those you love, strengthening your belief that your partner is right.
If you are no longer spending time with people you care about, such as friends and family, your partner may believe they have more control over your ideas, and they may use the opportunity to try to mold your opinions. You might also feel isolated and scared to leave if they are the only person in your life.
What to do if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse
Support is available if you believe that you or someone you love is being subjected to abuse of any kind. You may recognize that some of the behaviors mentioned above are similar to what you have experienced (or are experiencing). Accepting that someone for whom you care would mistreat you or abuse you can be challenging. You may also have strong feelings or empathy for your partner and not want to leave them. It is common for abuse survivors to live with sadness, shame, and anger.
However, no matter how much you love them, the effects of narcissistic abuse are dangerous. Any abuse, whether it’s mental, physical, emotional, financial, or verbal abuse can lead to injury or death. To safeguard yourself, taking the first step to leave the relationship may be best. It may be difficult to leave if the person in question is a parent, partner, or family member. However, finding a support system can help you feel safe and supported as you choose to exit the relationship. A qualified therapist can help you learn strategies to safeguard yourself while navigating this situation.
In addition, you can call a hotline for support and local resources. If you are experiencing physical abuse, stalking, or life-threatening abusive behaviors, you may be able to receive support from a domestic violence shelter. Many shelters offer free social work support, legal advice, housing, and vouchers to help you get back on your feet if you’re struggling to leave due to financial or legal reasons.
Where to find long-term support for narcissistic abuse
If you are interested in talking to someone about the possibility that you are living with abuse, there are many resources available. If you are worried that your partner might discover that you’re seeing a therapist or you aren’t ready to see a therapist in person, you can also meet with someone online. Online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp can be a safe and available option.
Current research has shown people who attend online therapy believe they can trust their therapist to a greater degree and feel safer due to the distance and familiar environment in which sessions are held. Rather than attending in-person therapy sessions, you can connect with a mental health professional from the comfort and safety of your own home, at a time that’s convenient for you. In addition, studies have found that online therapy can be more effective than in-person therapy for survivors of domestic violence and abuse of any type.
Takeaway
What is narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse by someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or who displays many of the behaviors associated with the condition, regardless of the diagnosis. NPD is characterized by patterns of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. Narcissistic abuse occurs when a person with narcissistic tendencies disregards their partner’s well-being, autonomy, and self-esteem.
Abusers often damage their partner’s self-image and cause them to doubt their own intuition. Verbal abuse, such as insults or put-downs, occurs frequently in cases of narcissistic abuse. Gaslighting - an abuse tactic wherein the abuser causes the abused person to mistrust their own feelings and experiences - is also common. The abuser may also attempt to strengthen their hold by isolating their partner from friends and family.
What are the four stages of narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is commonly framed as a four-stage cycle that represents the typical experience of someone who is being abused. However, it is important to remember that not all narcissistic abuse looks the same, and abusers can be skilled at hiding their actions. People with narcissistic tendencies tend to be adept at convincing those outside of their relationship that they are kind and likable. Because of this, the four stages of narcissistic abuse can be difficult to spot for those not experiencing it.
The stages of narcissistic abuse are outlined below:
- Idealize. The abuser is overtly and excessively affectionate, frequently praising their partner, showering them with compliments, and flattering them constantly. This is part of a technique known as love bombing: enormous and disproportionate displays of affection to gain control and get their partner to lower their guard.
- Devalue.. Subtle manipulation and deception begin as the narcissist ramps up efforts to distort facts, gaslight, insult, and blame. Devaluation usually starts small and is difficult for the victim to recognize; the love bombing from stage one has likely convinced them that their partner has an enormous amount of love for them. The abuser will likely try to isolate their partner or turn their friends and family members against them.
- Discard. Once the abuser can no longer get what they want from their partner, be it dating prestige, money, or the “chase” of romantic relationships, they discard their partner and find someone new who can feed their ego.
- Hoover. Sometimes, a narcissist goes through extreme steps to “hoover” a victim back into their lives to regain control over them. Guilt-tripping, threats, blame-shifting, or promises to change are common when a narcissist is hoovering. They will say anything to lure in a former partner before returning to the devaluing stage.
Why do narcissists abuse their victims?
A narcissistic abuser is entirely focused on themselves and their own interests; they do not consider the feelings or needs of their partner. A defining feature of clinical narcissism is deficient and dysfunctional empathy. An abuser is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings of others, although they can understand their behavior and the impact it has on other people. The lack of empathy, coupled with a need for power and control, is likely the primary reason that narcissists abuse their victims.
What does narcissistic abuse look like?
Narcissistic abuse is defined by the abuser’s need for validation, control, and administration. It often begins with an abuse tactic called love bombing, where the abuser excessively praises and flatters their new partner. Their goal is to get their partner to lower their guard and give them their trust. Once narcissistic abusers have their partner’s affection and trust, they typically revert from love bombing to devaluing.
Devaluing begins with the abuser slowly starting to criticize their partner, often by making small “suggestions” of what their partner should change before becoming contemptuous and insulting. They often employ techniques like gaslighting or emotional blackmail to cause their victim to doubt their own thoughts and feelings. If confronted, they may act like the victim, using tactics like the silent treatment to force their partner to concede the argument.
Besides verbal attacks like insults and emotional manipulation like gaslighting, abusers also often try to limit the contact their partner has with friends and family. Social isolation helps an abuser manipulate the narrative surrounding the toxic relationship, making it harder for their victim to recognize that they are being abused. A person with narcissistic tendencies will often blame their partner for the problems in the relationship, insisting that they are the root cause of unhappiness between them.
How do I know if someone is a narcissist?
The only way to be certain that someone is a narcissist is if they divulge a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder after being evaluated by a qualified mental health professional. Still, narcissistic behavior can often be present even if a person doesn’t meet the criteria for a diagnosis. Instead of focusing on whether or not someone is a narcissist, it may be worthwhile to think about how you feel around them.
If you’re wondering if someone is a narcissist, consider doing the following:
- Familiarize yourself with love bombing and consider whether it might apply to your situation.
- Maintain strong ties with your support network.
- Recognize that insults, unhelpful criticism, or constant contempt is not normal. If someone does not treat you respectfully and kindly, their love is not likely genuine.
- If you find yourself doubting your own memory or intuition, strongly consider whether the person may be gaslighting you.
- Discuss your concerns with a therapist. They can provide guidance from an outside perspective and help you understand your thoughts and feelings.
Am I narcissistic or a victim?
People who consider whether or not they are the narcissist or the victim rarely turn out to be narcissists. The self-reflection and critical examination required to ask, “Am I narcissistic or a victim?” directly contradict the defining features of narcissistic personality disorder. However, it is possible to display narcissistic personality traits without qualifying for a personality disorder, commonly referred to as subclinical narcissism.
It is possible that a subclinical narcissist could have enough self-awareness to question their own behavior while still struggling to empathize or interact with others in a healthy manner. If you’re concerned you may be a narcissist, probably the best option is to visit with a therapist or another mental health professional to have your concerns evaluated by an expert.
How do you tell if you are a victim of a narcissist?
A narcissistic parent or partner can take a toll on your well-being, including causing serious health issues. Abusers with narcissistic tendencies are typically skilled at hiding their behavior or downplaying its impact. They may be charming around others, making it difficult for their victim’s support network to recognize the abuse.
Some other signs of narcissistic abuse include:
- Feeling isolated or struggling to get your support network to acknowledge the abuser’s behavior.
- You experience unexplained physical symptoms like nausea, insomnia, or fatigue.
- Taking too much responsibility or assuming that you are always to blame.
- You struggle to set boundaries or feel like you have no right to do so.
- Feeling like you doubt yourself or no longer recognize who you are.
The effects of narcissistic abuse can lead to long-lasting adverse effects, like a heightened risk of developing post-traumatic stress disorder. If you’ve experienced abuse from a person with narcissistic tendencies, you should strongly consider speaking with a therapist or other mental health professional.
How do narcissists abuse you?
Abuse from a narcissistic person often begins with a manipulation tactic known as love bombing. While love bombing, an abuser lavishes their victim with praise, compliments, and flattery. The purpose is to gain the other person’s trust and make them feel safe enough to lower their guard. The flattery is not genuine and eventually gives way to devaluing.
Devaluing occurs once an abuser has earned their victim’s trust. They start slowly criticizing their partner, often starting with small comments or “suggestions” and eventually building to insults and vicious contempt. If confronted, the abuser might use techniques like gaslighting, an abuse strategy that twists facts and reality to make their victim doubt their own sanity.
Abusers also often try to isolate their victims to further enhance their power and control. The abuser may get upset when their victim spends time with friends or family or if they seek support from a therapist. An abuser with narcissistic tendencies is aware that their behavior is not appropriate and will often go to great lengths to hide that behavior from others or spread malicious gossip about their victim, making it difficult for their victim to find support.
Can you be traumatized by a narcissist?
Psychological abuse and manipulation is a form of intimate partner violence. It can cause significant adverse effects, including mental and physical health problems. Evidence suggests that sustained interactions with a narcissist, even if they are not physically violent, can lead to PTSD or other mental disorders associated with trauma. A narcissist can introduce fear into their victims that may lead to avoiding confrontation, walking on eggshells, or being hypervigilant around the abuser. That high-stress environment can quickly become draining and produce several adverse mental health effects.
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