How To Cope With An Angry Toddler
Adults can struggle to cope with and control anger, so a child who has not yet learned to control emotions can struggle severely. The world may seem huge and confusing to a toddler, so anger and stress may arise more quickly. For parents or caregivers, it can be challenging to know how to cope or support the child when they become overwhelmed.
One of the first steps in coping with an angry toddler is understanding why they might have become angry. Once you have this knowledge, you may be better prepared to cope and offer compassionate support.
What makes toddlers angry?
The toddler age range is often around one to three and a half years. During this phase of life, toddlers have significant mental development ahead of them. Because they cannot control their emotions, they may be more prone to anger and emotional outbursts. They may express this overwhelming emotion by screaming, crying, or acting out physically.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), the most common causes of toddler anger include the following:
- Lack of attention from those around them
- Difficulty communicating their needs
- Exhaustion
- Sickness
- Lack of understanding from those around them
- Difficulty controlling emotions
- Hunger or thirst
- Needing a diaper change
Understanding what makes toddlers angry may relieve stress for those who question what to do when a toddler is screaming, crying, or having a tantrum. In some instances where you're unsure, go down the list to determine the cause of your toddler's distress.
In some cases, toddlers may become angry when they believe something is missing from their daily routine. In addition, toddlers may struggle to communicate, so crying and screaming may be ways for them to attempt to meet their needs. If a caregiver is unable to meet their needs or responds with anger and blaming, the toddler may escalate due to a lack of emotional support and the initial inciting event.
How to support your angry toddler
Understanding what angers and sets off toddlers is the first step to supporting them. After determining the cause, taking a gentle and constructive approach with your child can be essential. They may not understand their emotions or the difference between healthy and unhealthy behavior at this age, so tailor your response to their age group.
Be aware of your conduct
Be the role model of the behavior you want to see from your toddler. Experts show that children mimic their parents and learn from their environment. Children of this age are impressionable. They may learn to copy the behavior if they are exposed to adults who scream, swear, or lash out at others when upset or displeased. A toddler regularly exposed to an environment where anger is managed constructively may be more receptive to learning to manage their anger in ways that don't involve screaming or tantrums.
Set and enforce rules
Toddlers are naturally curious. They're surrounded by objects and artifacts that are new to them. They want to explore and learn, both of which are natural, healthy behaviors. However, there are certain instances where exploring may not be socially appropriate or physically safe. For example, it is unsafe for a toddler to explore an electrical outlet or hot stove.
In cases where exploration is unsafe, and a child becomes angry, it can be essential to teach behaviors. When rules are established and set in place, you may avoid angry outbursts. Be consistent in these rules. If you sometimes let a toddler partake in an activity and sometimes don't, they may be more prone to anger.
Reward positive behavior
Rewarding positive behavior is one effective way to help toddlers reduce their anger. It may also prevent anger to an extent. However, understand that children may make mistakes and aren't perfect. Rewarding the positive teaches your toddler the expected behavior and may reduce some negative behaviors over time.
Rewarding positive behavior doesn't mean your child will never make mistakes or do what you ask them not to. However, it may plant a seed for constructive and healthy development. You do not have to reward your child with presents or candy, as adults aren't always rewarded for their accomplishments, either. Instead, tell your child, "Wow! You did a great job!" Hug them and show them you're proud of them through your actions.
Correct negative behavior
Correcting negative behavior may also be valuable for supporting a toddler's development. There are many ways to discourage toddlers from misbehaving. With time and consistency, toddlers may learn what they should and shouldn't do. Furthermore, they may be able to associate positive behaviors with positive outcomes and damaging behaviors with adverse outcomes.
Note that some parents believe consequences should match the severity and context of the behavior. For example, if a child throws their drink on the floor, sit with them and ask them to clean it up, reminding them that it isn't okay to throw drinks because it causes a mess that is a safety hazard. Each time they throw their drink, they're responsible for cleaning it up. When they learn that cleaning isn't fun, they may be less likely to throw their drink. Suppose you punish this behavior by yelling at them and putting them in a room alone for ten minutes. In that case, they may not associate the consequence with the action, instead believing they are being unfairly abandoned and ignored.
Considerations for supporting angry toddlers
You can take specific steps to cope with anger in toddlers. However, you may find that toddlers' general teaching and parenting can be tailored to improve overall behavior. Keep the following tips in mind.
Remain open to options
Toddlers are inherently curious about the environment around them. There may be moments when you cannot change the circumstances. However, in some cases, it may be beneficial to give toddlers options. For example, allowing toddlers to choose which nighttime story they want you to read to them or what two outfits they want to wear for the day helps them learn decision-making and provides an outlet for being less confined. Giving them autonomy over their decisions can be essential to showing them you respect their personhood.
Say "yes" sometimes
There may be cases when your toddler asks you for a favor. It can be okay and healthy to say "Yes" sometimes. Constantly hearing "no" whenever they speak up about their desires may be frustrating for a young child eager to learn about the world around them and mimic their parents and siblings. Saying “No" is okay if you are setting a boundary. Giving in to your child when you've already set a boundary may do the opposite of helping. However, allow your child to enjoy an activity or treat they love or want to try occasionally.
Keep a routine
Certain routines can change, vary, or disappear as a child ages. However, for toddlers, routines are often critical. Routines help toddlers know when to expect their needs to be met. When a toddler knows what's coming and when, it may reduce helplessness and frustration. Putting together and sticking with consistent routines often takes time and practice, but it can make a difference. Consider keeping your toddler's feeding times, walks, and enrichment on a consistent schedule.
Prevent instead of "cure"
You may help a toddler avoid tantrums and anger by preventing scenarios that often generate frustration. For example, be mindful of your environment. You can keep items out of their reach that you don't want them to touch, like a shiny, breakable bowl. In this scenario, you're preventing having to take it away from them in the future and deal with a tantrum.
Often, toddlers are upset by loud noises, flashing lights, or other confusing sensory experiences. Be mindful of this factor when partaking in activities together. Toddlers may not benefit from toys that are too advanced for them, as it can overwhelm them and cause frustration. Over time, learn what sets your toddler off and do what you can to avoid it instead of blaming your child for their natural developmental milestones.
Consider reaching out for support
Some parents and caregivers may benefit from reaching out for professional support. Parenting a toddler can be stressful. A therapist can help you troubleshoot difficult parenting milestones and mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, a significant life change, or stress. In addition, if you're too busy for in-person therapy, you can try online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp.
With online therapy, you can attend therapy from home while caring for your children. You can also set a session that suits your schedule, as some therapists offer sessions outside of standard business hours. You can meet with your therapist anywhere you have an internet connection.
Studies show that online therapy is often effective. One study found that internet-based interventions were effective for individual clients from families experiencing significant stress and mental health challenges.
Takeaway
Learning to cope with a toddler can be a trying experience for many people. If you're struggling, you're not alone. Consider reaching out to a therapist for further guidance and support.
Why is my toddler so angry and aggressive?
Children between the ages of one and three and a half do not have the self-control needed to manage their emotions or the communication skills to tell you what they need, which can make them prone to angry outbursts. They may be easily overwhelmed at this developmental stage and not know how to cope, which can lead to lashing out by crying, screaming, or being aggressive.
Is it normal for toddlers to get very angry?
It is not unusual for toddlers to get very angry. At this age, children do not yet have the ability to regulate their emotions, and they are unable to communicate their needs effectively. They may get overwhelmed easily, which may lead to anger. Toddlers can express their anger in many ways, including screaming, crying, and getting aggressive. These reactions may be amplified if they are experiencing other types of stress as well, like being hungry, tired, or overstimulated.
When should I worry about my toddler's anger?
Temper tantrums are a part of toddlerhood as children of this age do not know how to manage anger effectively. But if these tantrums are getting more severe, lasting for longer periods of time, occurring multiple times a day, or happening regularly in children greater than five, it may be time to talk to your child’s pediatrician or get outside help involved to support you and your family as you work to give your toddler what they need. You should also reach out to your child’s doctor if your toddler is hurting themself or other people, holding their breath, destroying property, having anxiety, or experiencing physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches.
What do I do when my toddler is angry?
There are steps you can take to support your toddler when they get angry and some things you can do to tailor your parenting to helping them learn how to improve their behavior.
Sometimes, giving toddlers options can help them feel like they have more control and learn how to make decisions. For example, you can let your toddler choose the story at bedtime or what shirt they want to wear to preschool.
Sometimes, you may need to modify your own behavior. Don’t always tell your toddler “no.” When they tell you what they want and are constantly met with a “no,” it can be very frustrating for them. Establishing and maintaining boundaries can be an important part of parenting, so saying “no” when you are setting or enforcing a boundary or rule is okay but allow them to enjoy things that they are interested in occasionally.
Routine can also be very important to toddlers as they help them learn what to expect and when their needs will be met. When they know what’s coming, they may be less frustrated. Consider keeping a routine schedule for feeding, play, baths, enrichment, and bedtime.
Finally, it can be much easier to keep your child calm to avoid tantrums and angry outbursts than to stop them once they’ve already started. Toddlers may be upset by flashing lights or loud noises, and they can be overwhelmed by toys that are designed for older children. Pay attention to the things that frustrate your toddler so you can try to avoid angry outbursts and prevent aggressive toddler behavior. It can also be helpful to reward good behavior.
If you try these approaches for a few weeks and do not see any improvement, talk to your child’s pediatrician about your concerns.
What are the signs of ADHD in toddlers?
ADHD can be challenging to diagnose in a toddler because young children change and develop very rapidly. The guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics apply to children between ages 4 and 18, but children younger than this can display some signs that may hint that they have ADHD. These can include the following:
- Inattention, like being easily distracted, being disorganized, or forgetting things
- Hyperactivity, including being in constant motion and unable to sit still, talking too much, and squirming or fidgeting
- Impulsivity, like acting or speaking without thinking or out of turn, interrupting others, or being unable to wait for things
What does an ADHD tantrum look like?
ADHD tantrums may look like any other angry tantrum, but they can be more severe, prolonged, or frequent. According to StatPearls, it is “unusual for a tantrum to last more than 15 minutes or occur regularly more than five times a day.” Extreme aggression is not typical of routine tantrums either. If a toddler injures themself or others or if they destroy property during an outburst, the parent should talk to their pediatrician.
What triggers anger in toddlers?
The most common causes of toddler anger are lack of attention or lack of understanding from those around them, difficulty communicating their needs, sickness, exhaustion, hunger/thirst, difficulty controlling strong emotions, or needing a diaper change.
How do I know if my toddler has behavioral problems?
Toddlers can have a wide range of developmentally appropriate behavior, and they change very quickly, so it can be difficult to determine whether a toddler has behavioral problems. But there are some things to consider. If your toddler experiences delays of six months or more in motor skills, language development, or cognitive development, talk to your pediatrician.
Other concerning behaviors to look out for are self-stimulating behavior to the exclusion of other activities, self-abusive behavior (hitting, biting, or head banging), not forming affection for caregivers or other adults they see regularly, or repeatedly engaging in aggressive behavior like hitting, biting, kicking, or trying to injure others.
Why is my 2-year-old so angry all of a sudden?
Mood swings are a normal part of development for 2-year-olds. At this age, they are experiencing many developmental changes and may struggle to control their impulses and bodies. They want to explore the world and test limits but still need firm boundaries and protection. Two-year-olds may get angry or frustrated when they can’t do what they want, and sudden crying, hitting, and screaming are all typical reactions. Still, if you are concerned about your child's behavior, talk to your pediatrician or a child development specialist.
What does level 1 autism look like?
Autism spectrum disorder is divided into three levels based on severity. Level 1 autism is the mildest form; level 3, the most severe. Severity is based on restrictive repetitive behavior patterns and social communication impairments. People with level 1 autism may still need support communicating with neurotypical peers. They may have social anxiety and difficulties transitioning from one activity to the next or trying new thing.
In contrast, people with level 2 autism often require substantial support. They may find it difficult to communicate or socialize in acceptable ways and may have very specific interests or engage in repetitive behaviors that may not be viewed as neurotypical. People with level 3 autism require very substantial support. They may have problems expressing themselves and difficulties performing daily living activities or engaging socially with people who are neurotypical.
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