10 Strategies For Avoidant Coping

Updated August 28, 2020

Medically Reviewed By: Kristen Hardin

You probably recall various situations in your life that have made you uncomfortable. Perhaps you wet your bed when you did a sleepover at someone’s house as an older child. You may have been the butt of jokes as a youth because you wore glasses or braces or had a face full of freckles. Children can certainly be mean sometimes. Adults have embarrassing experiences too. Did you ever make a fool of yourself after drinking too much alcohol? Have you had specific failures in your life that you don’t want to talk about? These are all things that can cause avoidant coping. The memories are too uncomfortable, so you avoid situations where you might be influenced to speak about them to protect yourself.

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Let’s look at a more specific example. Let’s say that you come from a family that is adamantly opposed to drinking alcohol of any kind. Your new in-laws let the alcohol flow at every event, from a baby’s baptism to weddings and funerals. Your new spouse respects your wishes to also be an alcohol-free family; however, whenever you host a gathering with your in-laws, you have to face a barrage of questions and comments about having a “dry” party. The comments make you so uncomfortable that you’ve stopped inviting them over. More recently, you find yourself making excuses for why you can’t attend the events that they host. This is a prime example of avoidant coping. Rather than find a way to manage this stressful situation, you just avoid it altogether.

The Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) explains that children with school refusal problems often use avoidant coping skills. They pretend to have headaches, stomachaches, nausea, or other physical ailments. It’s common for them to be argumentative, defiant, or aggressive.

Many people find themselves in similar situations and continue living with them because they simply don’t know what else to do. Your life doesn’t have to continue this way. What you might need is a little professional assistance to help you learn some positive and healthy coping strategies so you can reintegrate back into your spouse’s family and start enjoying their company again.

What Does Avoidant Coping Mean?

The American Psychological Association defines avoidant coping as any kind of strategy that helps someone manage stressful circumstances by disengaging from the situation and driving attention away from it rather than addressing the problem directly.

In simple terms, when someone has to face an uncomfortable situation, they turn and run. Avoidant coping includes escaping from it, wishful thinking, isolating restraining emotions, or self-medicating with drugs or alcohol. These are considered maladaptive coping strategies.

Maladaptive coping isn’t healthy is healthy. People think avoidant coping can be helpful because they believe that it reduces stress and prevents anxiety from overwhelming them. The reality is that avoidance coping actually creates stress and anxiety and breaks down self-confidence.

How To Recognize Avoidant Coping Strategies

Before we get to active coping strategies, it’s important to be able to recognize maladaptive coping strategies. When you’re conscious about it, you’ll be able to identify avoidant coping strategies as they’re happening.

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Among this list, can you find an avoidant coping strategy that you’ve used?

  • Avoiding taking actions that trigger painful memories, like not calling someone back if you think the conversation will be uncomfortable.
  • Keeping a low-profile, not striving to be the best, so you don’t call attention to yourself.
  • You put things off because you don’t want to know the truth, like not going to the dentist when you have a toothache.
  • You avoid situations that might make someone mad at you, like making sure you always have coffee in the house even though you aren’t a coffee drinker.
  • You pursue something and then backpedal when your anxiety starts to set in like taking a leadership position and then backing out when you realize it will put you in a position of power, and you feel stressed about the responsibility.
  • You try to avoid situations that make you feel awkward like you avoid going to sporting events even though all your friends are going.

10 Avoidant Coping Strategies

Something you can do to make it easier to leave an avoidant coping strategy behind is to replace it with an active coping strategy. The following 10 active coping strategies will help you get away from your avoidance coping habits and help you to manage stress and uncomfortable situations in healthier ways.

  1. Actively Identify Your Avoidant Coping Habits And Understand Why They Just Don’t Work. You should have a pretty good idea of what they are. If not, the next best step for you to take is to schedule an appointment with a licensed therapist. You should also have a fair idea about why avoiding issues doesn’t work in the long run. By putting a name to them, you’ll be more apt to take your goals seriously and try some active coping strategies instead.
  2. Note Your Avoidant Coping Strategies And The Situations That Preclude Them. Do certain situations always make you anxious? Do you dismiss them and try to get your mind off them? When you can recognize your regular bad coping habits, you can be proactive about planning for them ahead of time. When you can make a pivotal switch in real-time, you’re making progress.
  3. Practice Stress-Reducing Exercises. The biggest part of your problem is getting your stress under control. There are many ways to calm your mind and your body to reduce stress. Choose a calming activity like yoga, mindfulness, listening to music, or relaxing sounds to get your body into a relaxed state. When you find yourself in a stressful situation, you’ll already be a step ahead of the game.
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  1. Establish An Emotional Outlet. One of the worst things that you can do is to keep bottling up your emotions. You’ll find that you’ll feel better if you can find a release for them. Depending on your personality and your emotional makeup, it might be a physical or non-physical outlet. You may need to do some aerobics, take a walk or run, or engage in some type of physical activity to release your emotion. For some people, meditating or journaling is a good emotional outlet.
  2. Spend Some Time Sitting With Uncomfortable Feelings. You’ve probably gotten so used to avoiding issues that it’s hard to tolerate feeling uncomfortable. Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable with your feelings before trying to tackle them. The more that you allow yourself to feel uncomfortable, it tends to be less scary and unfamiliar. If you can sit with uncomfortable emotions and feelings, they will probably pass at some point. Most people find that they can handle more than they thought.
  3. Find some active coping strategies that you want to try. Try to mentally reframe situations to see them from a different perspective. Is there anything that you can gain from the situation, or are there additional ways of dealing with your emotions rather than avoiding them? Can you find some active coping strategies that will help to turn the situation around? There’s nothing to lose by trying something new.
  4. Develop Better Ways Of Communicating About Conflict. You may have ideas about how to resolve potential conflicts, but actually putting your ideas into words that other people are receptive to can be challenging, even for people that are naturally good communicators. That doesn’t mean that you have to cave in all the time. During these times, it helps to remember the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. When you use the right words, you can often come to a meaningful agreement that works to everyone’s favor.
  5. Think Small. If you don’t feel up to tackling a stressful situation, try tackling part of it. Having a small success can easily lead you to a larger one. If you’re avoiding many different uncomfortable situations, pick an easier one to tackle and implement some active coping strategies. One success using active coping strategies will likely lead to another.
  6. Try To Find An Accountability Partner. If you regularly avoid certain things, you may lose your confidence to follow through on using active coping strategies even when you’ve planned everything in advance. If you have someone that you can share your struggles with, you could ask them to check in with you before and after a stressful situation to see how you did. If you didn’t do so well, you’d have a support partner that will encourage you to try again. It may be easier to stick with your plan when you know someone supportive is waiting in the wings to hear all about it. Besides, it never hurts to get an outside perspective.
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  1. Enlist The Help Of A Licensed Professional CounselorEven when you know what to do, it can be difficult to follow through on getting rid of your old avoidant coping habits completely on your own. Licensed therapists have been trained in how to help you find active ways of coping with situations that are troubling you in an efficient way. Online therapy with BetterHelp is an effective and convenient option so you can schedule your sessions in the privacy of your own home. You can get started anywhere you have an internet connection, so don’t wait!

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