Enabling behavior: When helping goes too far
Many individuals are raised to be kind, caring, and helpful. Helpfulness can include putting others' needs first, giving aid when someone needs it, or doing something for someone that they struggle to do for themselves. Being helpful may be healthy when others are respectful, genuine, and aware of your boundaries.
While it may help you feel helpful or positive about yourself for making someone's life easier, you may do more harm by enabling a dysfunctional or unhealthy habit, such as someone else disrespecting your boundaries. Learning what healthy helping entails might allow you to give without worrying about potential negative consequences to yourself or others.
When has helping gone too far?
There are a few signs that your helping may be going too far and crossing into enabling:
You're keeping secrets
You're making excuses
You're blaming others for the person's behavior
What you're giving is undeserved
- You experience difficulty setting healthy boundaries
You're resorting to threats to stop helping
You're trying to avoid the person you're helping
You ignore unacceptable behavior
You put the needs of the person you're helping before your own
You're being manipulated, threatened, or taken advantage of
You're helping outside of your means or resources
Your helpfulness is making it easier for someone to stay unhealthy in some way, such as stuck in an addiction
You're feeling resentful or burdened
It can seem challenging to recognize when your helping has gone too far, even when other trusted individuals in your life point it out. You might feel guilty, sad, or distressed by withdrawing your support from someone. However, letting go of a relationship or setting boundaries may be the healthiest option in some cases– for both of you.
Keeping secrets
Many individuals experience the impact when a loved one is struggling with an unhealthy habit or behavior, such as addiction. They may offer the person money because they dislike seeing someone they love not doing well. They might worry about their loved one becoming homeless or the behavior worsening without their help.
They might keep their helpfulness a secret and cover up for it. Though this helpful behavior could sound beneficial in theory, it may enable the person struggling to fall further into their unhealthy behaviors without any consequences.
Someone acting unhealthily may need to see their impact on others before they can change. In addictions, this may show up due to a mental and physical pull many people experience to the substance they use. Although a social system can be valuable, boundaries are often essential.
Making excuses
If you are an empathetic person, you may feel inclined to make excuses for the behavior of the person you are helping. You might want to justify your reason for helping or remind others of the person's humanity.
No matter how hard it may be, try to see the situation as it is. If someone acts out violently, this is not healthy behavior. Remind yourself that harmful behaviors can harm the person you're helping and those around them.
Blaming others for the individual's behavior
You may find yourself placing blame on others in the person's life. It might be their partner, their parents, or a situation such as their upbringing. Although it can be empathetic and kind to understand why someone is struggling, their behaviors are often in their control and up to them to change.
Studies show that those who have experienced abuse are less likely to act out abusively and continue the cycle if they seek professional treatment. One possible way to support the person in your life is to encourage them to seek professional help.
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, seek support by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800. 799.SAFE (7233) for immediate advice, resources, and assistance.
Financial support
Those participating in unhealthy behaviors may act irresponsibly regarding money. When someone knows you struggle with enabling behavior, they may try to persuade you to give them money or financial support instead of changing their patterns. They may lie about what the money is for or promise this is the last time they will ask.
Although it can be difficult, consider rejecting requests for help that have turned unhealthy. Although how someone chooses to spend their money is not your responsibility, you can choose to give them your resources or not.
If the person you're helping needs money for things that aren't harmful to themselves or others, you may offer non-financial advice. For instance, you could help them find a job or encourage them to find a recovery house where they can live sober if they struggle with substance use. You might also point them toward financial resources or aid programs.
Struggling to set boundaries
If the person's behavior escalates, you may feel desperate to "fix" the person's life for them. However, if they feel dependent on you for support, you might have difficulty setting boundaries.
You might find yourself trying to set boundaries but have difficulty following through. For example, you might state you won't be able to emotionally support them the next time they act out but continue to support them out of fear or other emotional concerns.
You could do this hoping that your words will make them think about their actions. However, boundaries may not work if they are not upheld. Instead, you could be subconsciously showing the individual that your words hold no meaning.
If you set a boundary, try to stick to it. Explain to the person that you want what is healthiest for both them and yourself. Although you cannot control their behavior, you may choose to control your own and care for your mental health. Even if you love someone, you may understand that their actions are harming you.
Avoiding someone
You may try to avoid the person about whom you care to free yourself of any guilt or pain you could feel due to their actions. You might believe that ignoring the problem could make it go away. However, studies show that suppressing your emotions or thoughts can have the opposite effect.
Social connection can be essential to mental and physical health. The individual about whom you care may crave a healthier connection with you. Try to be there in the ways you can, if you can. If the relationship harms you, you may still choose to remove yourself from the situation, which can also be healthy.
Try to encourage this person to seek support independently and feel empowered without leaning on others. You might remind them of all the positive qualities you see in them.
Ignoring unacceptable behavior
People who struggle with unhealthy behaviors may act out in ways that are morally, physically, or mentally unsafe or unhealthy. You may find yourself ignoring this behavior or refusing to accept it. You might continue telling family and friends that they are doing well or nothing is wrong.
However, ignoring the reality of a situation may cause it to go on for longer. It may be time to decide what you can accept and what you must remove from your life.
Prioritizing others' needs above your own
You may find yourself putting others' needs before your own. You might do this because you believe they need your attention more than you need to care for yourself. However, self-care can be essential to your mental and physical health.
If you want to give energy and time to another person, you may struggle to do so if you're not feeling healthy, happy, or safe. Consider engaging in research-based self-care activities, such as the following:
Exercising or yoga
Spending time in nature
Expressive writing through journaling
Practicing healthy sleep hygiene habits
Cooking healthy meals for yourself or your family
Relaxing through meditation or mindfulness practices
Caring for someone else may cause mental burnout, called compassion fatigue. Try to combat this by acting as healthy as possible in your own life. Know that you do not need to care for someone else at the expense of your health.
Counseling for those struggling with enabling
If you've fallen into a cycle of enabling, consider reaching out to a counselor. You might consider online counseling if you're worried about leaving home, are low on financial resources, or want another way to gain professional support.
Online therapy can help treat a variety of mental health conditions or symptoms. One study found that telehealth interventions were as effective as in-person treatments for those struggling with substance addiction. However, counseling may be effective for any concern, and you do not need to have a mental health condition to reach out for support.
Through online mental health platforms such as BetterHelp, you may be able to meet with a compassionate counselor on your own time. Additionally, the online platform Regain is available for those who hope to work through couples' concerns together in therapy.
Takeaway
Helping others can be beneficial and may reap many benefits. However, there are times when helping could enable harmful behaviors of another individual. If you're looking for professional advice on how to break the cycle of enabling, consider reaching out to a counselor to discuss your concerns.
What are the four types of enabling behavior?
Enabling behavior refers to actions or behaviors that unintentionally support or allow another person's unhealthy or dysfunctional patterns, this may happen between friends, family members, or work colleagues. While enabling can take many forms, there are four primary types commonly identified in the context of dysfunctional relationships or addiction:
- Ignoring or Denying the Problem: Enablers may ignore or deny the existence of a problem, minimizing its severity or impact. Avoiding problems allows the person engaging in unhealthy behavior to avoid facing the consequences or seeking help.
- Taking Responsibility for the Person's Actions: Enabling can involve taking on responsibilities that rightfully belong to the person with the issue. This might include covering up mistakes, making excuses for a loved one’s behavior, or shielding the person from the natural consequences of their actions.
- Providing Financial Support: Financial enabling involves providing financial assistance to the person engaging in harmful behavior, such as funding a loved one’s addiction or bailing them out of financial trouble. This support can perpetuate the person's ability to avoid facing the consequences of their actions.
- Rescuing the Person from Consequences: Enabling behavior can include rescuing the person from the negative consequences of their actions. This might involve bailing them out of legal trouble, fixing problems they created, or shielding them from the fallout of their behavior.
Why do we enable?
Enabling behavior typically arises from well-intentioned motives and a desire to help or protect someone we care about, including friends and loved ones. However, several psychological and emotional factors can contribute to the tendency to engage in enabling behaviors:
- Codependency: Codependency is a pattern of behavior where individuals excessively rely on each other for approval, self-worth, and identity. Enabling can be a manifestation of codependency, where one person takes on a caretaking role to feel needed or maintain a sense of control.
- Fear of Confrontation: Some individuals avoid confrontation or conflict at all costs. Enabling may serve as a way to prevent arguments or tension, even if it means allowing the person to continue engaging in harmful behaviors.
- Guilt or Shame: Enablers may feel guilty or ashamed about the person's actions or the family situation. This guilt can lead them to engage in behaviors aimed at minimizing the consequences and protecting the person from facing the full impact of their actions.
- Desire for Harmony: Enablers may prioritize maintaining a sense of peace and harmony within relationships, even if it means sacrificing their well-being or allowing destructive behaviors to persist.
- Compassion and Empathy: Enabling behaviors can stem from genuine compassion and empathy for the person facing challenges. Individuals may believe they are helping by providing support, even if it enables the continuation of unhealthy patterns.
- Hope for Change: Enablers often hold onto the hope that the person will change, and their actions are driven by a desire to facilitate that change. This hope can lead them to overlook or minimize the severity of the problem.
Why is enabling someone bad?
Enabling someone, while often well-intentioned, can have negative consequences for both the enabler and the person being enabled. Here are some reasons why enabling behavior is generally considered detrimental:
- Maintains Destructive Patterns: Enabling can perpetuate and maintain the destructive behaviors of the person being enabled. By shielding them from the natural consequences of their actions, the enabler inadvertently supports the continuation of unhealthy patterns.
- Hinders Personal Growth: Enabling can prevent the person from taking responsibility for their actions and facing the consequences. This hinders their personal growth and development, as they may not learn from their mistakes or develop coping mechanisms to deal with challenges.
- Undermines Accountability: Enabling behavior often shields the person from being held accountable for their actions. This lack of accountability can lead to a cycle of dependency and avoidance of responsibility.
- Strains Relationships: Enabling can strain relationships between the enabler and the person being enabled. Resentment and frustration may develop over time, as the enabler may feel burdened by the responsibilities they have taken on.
- Creates Codependency: Enabling can contribute to the development of a codependent relationship, where individuals overly rely on each other for validation, self-worth, and identity. This dynamic can be unhealthy and hinder personal autonomy.
- Prevents Natural Consequences: Natural consequences are essential for individuals to learn and grow. Enabling interferes with the natural order of cause and effect, denying the person the opportunity to experience the full impact of their actions.
What does it mean when someone is an enabler?
When someone is referred to as an "enabler," it means that they engage in behaviors or actions that inadvertently support or facilitate the continuation of another person's unhealthy or destructive patterns. Enabling behavior may often involve shielding the individual from a hard time or the natural consequences of their actions, allowing them to avoid facing accountability or taking responsibility for their choices.
What are examples of enabling?
Enabling can take various forms, and examples may differ depending on the specific situation or context. Here are some common examples of enabling behaviors:
- Covering Up Mistakes: An enabler may cover up mistakes or negative consequences caused by the person engaging in unhealthy behavior. This could involve making excuses, providing explanations, or taking the blame to protect them.
- Providing Financial Support: Giving money to someone with a substance use disorder, even if the funds are likely to be used to support the addiction, is an example of financial enabling.
- Ignoring Warning Signs: Ignoring or dismissing warning signs of a problem, such as signs of substance use or deteriorating mental health, is a form of enabling. It involves avoiding acknowledgment of the issue even after they realize it is causing a hardship.
- Rescuing from Consequences: Rescuing someone from the negative consequences of their actions, such as bailing them out of legal trouble or fixing problems they created, is a classic example of enabling.
- Making Excuses: Creating excuses for the person's behavior and justifying their actions to others is a form of enabling. This may involve downplaying the severity of the problem to avoid judgment.
- Providing a Place to Stay: Allowing someone with destructive habits to continue living in one's home without addressing the issues can be enabling. This provides a safety net that may discourage the person from seeking help or making positive changes.
- Avoiding Confrontation: Avoiding difficult conversations or conflicts to maintain peace within the relationship is an enabling behavior. This can prevent the person from facing the reality of their actions.
How do you know if you are enabling?
Recognizing if you are engaging in enabling behaviors can be challenging, but self-awareness and reflection are key. Here are some signs that you may be enabling someone:
- Making Excuses: If you find yourself frequently making excuses for the person's behavior or justifying their actions to others, you may be engaging in enabling.
- Covering Up Mistakes: If you are actively covering up mistakes or negative consequences caused by the person's behavior, it indicates enabling. This could involve providing explanations or taking the blame to protect them.
- Ignoring Warning Signs: If you dismiss or ignore warning signs of a problem, such as substance use or deteriorating mental health, you might be engaging in enabling behavior by avoiding acknowledgment of the issue.
- Providing Financial Support: Giving money to someone with destructive habits, even if the funds are likely to be used to support their harmful behavior, is a form of financial enabling.
- Rescuing from Consequences: If you consistently rescue the person from the negative consequences of their actions, such as bailing them out of legal trouble or fixing problems they created, you may be enabling.
- Avoiding Confrontation: If you go to great lengths to avoid difficult conversations or conflicts to maintain peace within the relationship, it suggests enabling behavior by preventing the person from facing the reality of their actions.
- Taking on Their Responsibilities: If you assume responsibilities that rightfully belong to the person, such as doing their chores, paying their bills, or cleaning up after them, it indicates enabling.
How to love without enabling?
Loving someone without enabling involves setting healthy boundaries, promoting personal responsibility, and encouraging growth. Here are some strategies to love without enabling:
- Establish Clear Boundaries: Clearly define and communicate your boundaries. Identify behaviors that you cannot accept or support, and make it known to the person. Consistently enforce these boundaries.
- Encourage Personal Responsibility: Foster a sense of personal responsibility in the person you love. Avoid taking on responsibilities that rightfully belong to them. Encourage them to take ownership of their actions and decisions.
- Support Positive Change: Encourage and support positive changes and efforts to address issues. Focus on solutions and growth rather than enabling destructive behavior.
- Avoid Rescuing: Resist the urge to rescue the person from the consequences of their actions. Allowing them to experience the natural outcomes of their choices can be a powerful motivator for change.
- Promote Independence: Encourage the person to develop their independence and problem-solving skills. Avoid creating dependency by allowing them to take on responsibilities and make decisions for themselves.
- Communicate Openly: Foster open and honest communication. Discuss concerns, feelings, and expectations openly. Avoid avoiding difficult conversations, and encourage the person to express themselves as well.
- Seek Professional Help: If the person is facing serious challenges, encourage them to seek professional help. Professionals such as therapists, counselors, or support groups can provide valuable guidance and support.
What is the difference between helping and enabling?
While helping and enabling may appear similar, there are key differences in their implications and outcomes. Understanding these distinctions is crucial for fostering healthy relationships and promoting personal growth. Here are the main differences between helping and enabling:
Intentions and Outcomes:
- Helping: The intention of helping is positive, aiming to provide support, assistance, or guidance to facilitate positive outcomes. The focus is on empowering the person to overcome challenges and develop skills.
- Enabling: Enabling may involve good intentions, but the outcomes often contribute to the continuation of negative or harmful behavior. It may inadvertently protect the person from facing the consequences of their actions.
Long-Term Consequences:
- Helping: Helping is generally focused on long-term positive outcomes, promoting independence, growth, and resilience. It encourages individuals to learn from challenges and develop the skills needed to navigate life.
- Enabling: Enabling may lead to long-term negative consequences, as it often shields individuals from the natural results of their actions. This can hinder personal development and perpetuate a cycle of dependency.
Setting Boundaries:
- Helping: Helping involves setting healthy boundaries and encouraging individuals to take responsibility for their actions. It respects the person's autonomy while offering support.
- Enabling: Enabling often involves blurred or absent boundaries, with individuals taking on responsibilities that rightfully belong to the person engaging in negative behavior. This lack of boundaries can contribute to a sense of dependency.
Empowerment vs. Dependency:
- Helping: The goal of helping is to empower individuals, providing them with the tools and resources to overcome challenges independently. It fosters a sense of self-efficacy and resilience.
- Enabling: Enabling may inadvertently create dependency, as the person may come to rely on others to rescue them from the consequences of their actions. This dependency can hinder personal growth.
Encouraging Accountability:
- Helping: Helping encourages accountability by emphasizing personal responsibility and accountability for one's actions. It supports individuals in making positive choices and learning from experiences.
- Enabling: Enabling often involves shielding individuals from accountability, allowing them to avoid facing the full consequences of their actions. This can hinder the development of a sense of responsibility.
How do you handle enablers?
Handling enablers involves setting clear boundaries, fostering open communication, and encouraging a shift toward more supportive and constructive behaviors. Here are some steps you can take when dealing with enablers:
- Self-Reflection: Reflect on your role and behavior. Consider whether you may be inadvertently enabling certain actions and how this dynamic impacts the relationship.
- Establish Boundaries: Communicate your boundaries to the enabler. Let them know what behaviors you cannot support and the consequences of crossing those boundaries. Be firm and consistent.
- Express Concerns: Express your concerns about the negative impact of enabling behaviors on the individual being enabled and the overall well-being of the relationship. Use "I" statements to convey your feelings and observations without blaming them.
- Encourage Self-Reflection: Encourage the enabler to reflect on their behaviors and the potential consequences. Help them recognize the difference between genuine support and actions that may be enabling destructive patterns.
Is enabling positive or negative?
Generally speaking, enabling is considered negative. When a person is enabling it may mean that they are taking away the responsibility from a person, and while this may seem helpful, in the end, it takes away a person’s power and agency. Rather than enabling, it may be better to provide support or help for a person in need. This means assisting alongside them until they no longer need your help or support.
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