Important Things To Know About Polyamorous Dating
Polyamory is generally considered to be a type of consensual non-monogamy. Research suggests that it can be often motivated by the desire to fulfill unmet needs, achieve personal growth, develop identity, express political values, explore various sexual orientations, belong to a community, or experience sexual diversity.
Polyamorous relationships can fulfill these motivations and add positive value to your life. However, polyamorous dating generally relies on clear communication to be successful. If you’re unsure how to talk about your needs and desires, a poly-affirming therapist can help. Read on to learn more about what you need to know about polyamorous dating.
What is polyamory?
Polyamory can mean different things to different people, but many people in poly relationships practice ethical non-monogamy with multiple partners that may or may not involve romantic attachments (or sexual relationships).
Other types of ethical non-monogamy, such as “monogamish” or swinging, generally involve non-monogamous sexual relationships without romantic attachment.
Types of polyamorous relationship structures can include:
- Triad: This term can define long-term relationships between a poly couple and another person.
- Vee: This term can define a poly relationship where one person separately dates two people (who might not be romantically involved with each other).
- Quad: This term can define poly couples who date other couples.
- Polycule: This term can define everyone involved in relationships.
- Anchor Partners: This term can define a partnership that is not hierarchical but recognizes differences in that relationship.
- Solo Polyamory: This term can define a poly person who lives alone but has multiple partners.
- Hierarchical Polyamory: This term generally defines a situation where there is a primary couple with secondary partnerships/relationships.
- Parallel Poly: This term can define a structure in which multiple people involved in a relationship with one person do not engage with each other, and instead communicate through that partner to discuss any concerns.
- Kitchen-Table Poly: This term can define a structure in which everyone in the polycule can openly discuss their relationships together.
- Relationship Anarchy: This term can define a situation in which there are not defined restrictions, rules, labels, or hierarchy concerning romantic and sexual connections. Honest communication and trust are generally relied upon, in this instance.
- Polyfidelity: This term can define polyamorous relationships that generally agree not to go outside of the polycule for sexual or romantic connection.
Polyamory can be complicated, and it can often rely on clear communication and trust to express needs and desires.
What motivates people to try polyamory?
According to research theories, the motivation for engaging in polyamorous relationships can vary, but possible reasons might include some of the following:
Fulfilling unmet needs
Some people cannot meet all their psychological needs within a monogamous relationship. A poly relationship, conversely, can allow for different needs to be met by multiple partners.
Personal growth and freedom
Ethical non-monogamy can provide a sense of autonomy, self-expression, authenticity, more equal division of power, and increased safety.
Developing identity
Many people might engage in poly relationships for a short period of time, possibly as they are developing a sense of self and experimenting before making monogamous commitments.
Religious or political rebellion against cultural norms
Some people may engage in poly relationships as a form of self-expression against norms and societal expectations.
Exploring sexual identities
Polyamorous relationships might often fall outside of the dichotomy and expectations of monogamous relationships (particularly heterosexual monogamous relationships). Polyrelationships can enable further exploration of identities such as fluidity and bisexuality.
New sexual experiences
Ethically non-monogamous poly relationships can improve reported passion in otherwise monogamous relationships, and some people might consider poly relationships as a method of exploring sexual variety and desire.
Sense of community
Polycules can be formed based on values, attitudes, and relationship beliefs. Close connections and a sense of belonging can improve social support. This may be particularly valuable for individuals with a limited social network, or those who might experience stigma or minority stress.
Attachment theory and psychodynamic reasons
Some people who have avoidant or insecure attachment styles may seek poly relationships to avoid intense emotional attachment to a single partner. Other people, such as those who have previously experienced infidelity, may choose poly relationships to avoid re-traumatization.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
The rationale behind why people choose polyamory can vary. However, the foundation of polyamory is, for many, the belief that emotional and/or physical intimacy can occur with multiple people, rather than a single partner. People who engage in polyamory might believe that romantic love is not a finite resource.
Planning for successful polyamorous relationships
Generally speaking, many people have tried (or want to try) polyamorous relationships. According to a U.S. Census sample of almost 3,500 people, 16.8% of people reported wanting to engage in polyamory—and 10.7% of people have tried polyamorous relationships at some point.
However, establishing strong poly relationships generally relies on partners to have clear communication to determine boundaries, desires, schedules, responsibilities and other agreements.
The following are suggestions one might consider before entering a poly relationship:
Prioritizing communication
Establishing a dedicated time to meet and discuss needs in a non-judgmental and blame-free safe space can be helpful, especially early in the relationship.
Understanding that jealousy can be normal
Most people might experience occasional jealousy. Comparison, or happiness derived from the joy of others, can be highlighted to reframe jealousy.
Establishing boundaries
Ethical non-monogamy is not generally considered to be the same thing as cheating. Honest communication, trust, agreement, permission, and frequent reassessment are generally required to ensure that everyone’s boundaries are respected.
Determining time commitments
Relationships generally require both receiving and giving attention. The time commitment of polyamorous dating can be challenging to manage, so you may want to consider a calendar and be realistic about your ability to manage various commitments.
Considering relationship structure(s) that appeal to you
Unlike monogamy, healthy polyamorous relationships might not be frequently modeled in media. Learning about different relationship structures can help you prepare to talk with your partner(s) about what you want. If you and your monogamous partner are considering polyamory, it can be helpful to consider:
- How much you want to tell each other about your other partners
- Discussing how responsibilities, such as child-rearing and finances, may change
- Determining whether you want to set aside time for just the two of you, and if you want a hierarchical component in your poly relationship
- Boundaries
- How you can communicate concerns, requests or disagreements
- If both partners truly want to want to try polyamory, or if one partner is agreeing to try polyamory out of guilt or fear
- If your expectations are realistic
If you are unsure how to start a conversation with your monogamous partner, you might consider these strategies:
- Be intentional, vulnerable, and not under the influence of drugs or alcohol
- Emphasize what works and focus on ensuring your partner feels safe before discussing what you want to change in your relationship
- Utilize “I” language to express how you feel rather than speaking in absolutes
- Highlight love and how polyamory can enable a more expansive form of love
- Don’t rush your partner, and instead give them time to process the idea
- Consider reaching out to a therapist to hold more productive, vulnerable conversations
Consider strengthening your communication strategies with online therapy
Communication can be challenging in any relationship. Additionally, jealousy, guilt, shame or minority stress can put you at a higher risk of developing mental health conditions, such as an anxiety disorder or depressive disorder—which can contribute to communication difficulties. A poly-affirming online therapist can be a helpful resource to build stronger relationships and improve your quality of life.
It can feel overwhelming to discuss polyamorous desires and other relationship concerns face-to-face in a clinical office setting. Many couples might feel freer to be honest and open in online therapy.
Is online therapy effective?
Research is still being conducted when it comes to poly-friendly virtual therapy options, specifically. However, couples counseling has been suggested to effectively improve relationships, and social skills and reduce symptoms of anxiety disorders and depression.
In a 2019 study, for example, couples were asked to attend videoconferencing therapy sessions. The study found that suggests that online couples therapy was effective and that many couples found it more comfortable to discuss sex and relationships with a therapist that they are physically distant from. BetterHelp can provide you with online therapists in your area of need.
BetterHelp counselor reviews
“I love my therapist. Best therapist I’ve had so far. She listens to my concerns and she’s incredibly LGBTQ+ and poly friendly. I feel comfortable talking to her about anything and she always offers multiple things to help and is very helpful.” Read more on Andrea Beaudoin.
“Natalie has been a pillar of support for me and has guided me through all of my mental and emotional ups and downs, as well as parenting and relationship issues. I am in a much better place, mentally, and am better equipped to tackle any or most of the obstacles that come my way. My husband always comments on how happy and at peace I seem after my sessions with Natalie. The sessions are candid and easy-flowing. I always feel heard and understood. No judgments, no comparisons. Natalie is by far the best therapist I’ve had and who I will be turning to whenever I am in need of support, mentally or emotionally, or just need a friendly guide to show me a better way to achieve my goals.” Read more on Natalie Thwing.
Takeaway
If you decide you’re interested in polyamory, you can consider downloading inclusive dating apps that cater to non-monogamous dating. Additionally, you may find it helpful to see an online therapist. Poly-affirming online relationship therapists can help you develop stronger communication strategies and help you cope with jealousy or hurt feelings more productively.
Why do I struggle with polyamory?
You might struggle with polyamory due to several reasons, such as problems managing multiple romantic relationships at the same time or personal preferences. It may require balancing time and emotional investment among partners, as well as living with complex feelings like jealousy. A professional may be able to provide polyamory help and guide you through different relationship dynamics, especially if you are new to polyamory.
How can I be OK with polyamory?
Being OK with polyamory starts with a deep look into your own feelings and desires in a romantic relationship. You can openly communicate with your current partner and any potential new partners about your boundaries or needs to create a healthy relationship dynamic. Polyamory also involves respecting your partner's partners, or metamours, and recognizing that love and commitment are not finite resources.
Is polyamory mentally healthy?
Polyamory can be mentally healthy if it aligns with the values and relationship models of those involved. It often requires strong communication and emotional intelligence to help each polyamorous person feel valued and supported. Like any committed relationship, the healthiness of polyamory greatly depends on trust and respect among all partners.
What not to do in a polyamorous relationship?
In a polyamorous relationship, it's important to keep in mind consent and communication. Avoid assuming your partner's feelings or boundaries, and do not disregard your other relationships when making decisions. Not being transparent and honest can jeopardize the trust of the established couple and any new relationship.
Why polyamory didn't work for me?
Polyamory may not work for everyone due to a variety of reasons, such as differing relationship expectations, the difficulty of managing multiple relationships, or simply personal preferences. Being monogamous or polyamorous is often a personal choice, and either is valid. You can reflect on your personal experiences and seek monogamy or polyamory advice for how to manage future relationships.
Am I cut out for polyamory?
You can decide if you are cut out for polyamory by reflecting on your desires, communication skills, and ability to coordinate with multiple romantic partners. How you handle jealousy and whether you find fulfillment and happiness in a partner's life that includes other partners can also help determine whether polyamory is right for you. Various resources are available, such as communities of polyamorous people, to help offer perspective and support.
Is it ok to not be ok with polyamory?
There is nothing wrong with not being OK with polyamory. Every individual has their own comfort levels and preferences when it comes to relationships. Respecting your boundaries and being honest about them with your partner(s) is vital for any healthy relationship, whether monogamous or polyamorous.
Is polyamory a trauma response?
Polyamory is not inherently a trauma response; it is a legitimate relationship choice for many. However, like any relationship style, it can be influenced by past experiences. Choosing polyamory should come from a place of self-awareness and not a reaction to unaddressed problems.
What is the vee relationship rule?
The "vee" relationship is a specific polyamorous structure in which one person (the hinge) has two partners who are not romantically involved with each other. Vee relationships often depend on clear and open communication between all parties to ensure that everyone is on the same page regarding expectations and dynamics.
How to be poly and not jealous?
To be polyamorous and manage jealousy, you might try practicing honest communication with yourself and your partners and recognize that your partner's affection for someone else does not decrease their affection for you. Jealousy is a natural emotion that can be managed by communication and introspection to strengthen trust. It may also help to celebrate the joy your partner finds in their other committed relationships, a concept known as compersion.
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