Coping With Birthday Depression: The Reality Of "The Birthday Blues
Experiencing depression on or around your birthday is sometimes referred to as birthday depression or "birthday blues." Birthday depression can be common, and for some, it's a temporary feeling that fades with time. However, it can be a vivid, intensely unpleasant experience for others.
In some cases, birthday depression is "swept under the rug" or considered an invalid emotional experience by peers and family members. This invalidation might occur for many reasons, including the social expectation that a birthday is a pleasant event, regardless of one's feelings. However, your feelings are valid and experienced by many people, and you're not alone.
Pay attention if you're experiencing the birthday blues, as it may indicate a more profound concern like chronic depression or anxiety. For some, birthdays are a trauma trigger, and for others living with chronic depression, birthdays can seriously impact and incite symptom relapse.
What causes the "birthday blues?"
There are a few potential causes of birthday-related sadness, including the following.
Clinical depression
Although the term "birthday depression" uses the word "depression," it isn't an existing condition in the diagnostic manual used by professionals (DSM-5). However, depression can be a cause for experiencing more severe symptoms during special events like birthdays.
With over 280 million people worldwide living with depression, it is a common and treatable mental illness. You might be experiencing depression if you live with many of the following symptoms for most days spanning more than two weeks:
- Feelings of profound sadness that don't disappear
- Difficulty smiling, laughing, or enjoying your time with others
- No longer enjoying previously-enjoyed activities
- Withdrawal from social situations
- Difficulty caring for your hygiene
- Sleep schedule changes
- Appetite changes
- Feeling numb, empty, or apathetic
- Thoughts or urges to end your life*
*If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 or text 988 to talk to a crisis provider over SMS. They are available 24/7 to offer support. 988 also offers an online chat for those with an internet connection.
Anxiety disorders
Anxiety disorders may increase feelings of sadness during a special event. Depending on the circumstances and the level of anxiety present, a birthday celebration can be exhausting and lead to sadness. Anxiety disorders in the DSM-5 include the following:
- Panic disorder
- Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
- Specific phobias
- Social anxiety disorder
- Separation anxiety disorder
- Selective mutism
- Agoraphobia
- Substance or medication-induced anxiety disorder
- Anxiety disorder due to another medical condition
- Other specified anxiety disorder
An introverted personality
Introverts are sometimes labeled as anti-social. However, many introverts are social people with less capacity than extroverts for repeated or high-energy interactions. Introverts may feel uncomfortable in a crowded room if they can't connect with anyone there, and they may feel lonely, even when surrounded by people.
If an introvert's birthday summons an uncomfortable level of socializing (for instance, a surprise party), it can leave them feeling burned out. In addition, the anticipation of the birthday might feel stressful and anxiety-inducing. For many introverts, an intimate or low-key party may be more enjoyable.
Illness
Whether you're experiencing a mental illness or a physical illness, any state of being that presents a challenge or barrier to celebrating your birthday might cause feelings of sadness. It can be frustrating when you want to participate as usual, but an illness limits your ability.
Discomfort about aging and gerascophobia
For various reasons, some people don't want to accept the physical and mental changes accompanying aging. However, beyond mild discomfort or aversion lies a condition known as Gerascophobia, a specific phobia of growing older. This mental illness affects adults and children and can cause severe depression and anxiety surrounding birthdays.
Expectations and pressure around "milestones"
Many societies recognize birthdays as milestones for specific achievements. From taking your first steps to reaching adulthood to hitting retirement, pressure to achieve these benchmarks might bring significant feelings of depression and anxiety.
Feelings of failure or an existential crisis
Along with societal expectations, your expectations might be a source of depression around your birthday. For example, plans to own a home or cross items off a "bucket list" by a certain age might occur, pressuring you to feel you've met your goals by the time your birthday arrives.
Reviewing your life's progress to find that you haven't achieved everything you planned up to that point may be disappointing, and if you are unkind to yourself, it might lead to intensely negative feelings. In addition, a birthday can increase feelings of hopelessness or despair if you struggle with finding your life's purpose or meaning.
Social dynamics
Depending on the nature of your relationships, gatherings involving friends, family, or both can be a source of stress. If you're worried about how your family and friends will behave when they're together or how they'll treat you, you might feel sad when your birthday comes around.
Feelings of isolation
It can be challenging to make friends as an adult. Perhaps you've lost close friends or family as time has passed and haven't been socially inclined since. Whatever the reason, birthdays can be difficult to celebrate without friends. The same feelings can arise when you don't get attention or recognition from your loved ones on your birthday. If the day passes unnoticed, you might feel lonely and unappreciated. In addition, if you planned a large party and no one showed up, you might feel that others don't consider you.
Faulty nostalgia
You might recall happy, carefree times when you reflect on your childhood birthdays. However, nostalgia and memory can be unreliable, and people may sometimes long for an event or feelings that didn't, or don't, exist the way they remember. Nostalgia can increase feelings of sadness if your current situation fails to bring happiness to your memories.
Coping with birthday depression
The best ways to cope with birthday depression may vary between individuals, and what works for you may not work for someone else. Often, the goal is to cultivate a positive experience for yourself in your own way without denying or ignoring your feelings. A few ways to do so may include the following:
- Speak to a therapist about your feelings about your birthday.
- Keep your daily routine on your birthday if you don't want to celebrate.
- Change up your routine if you want to make the day unique.
- Practice self-kindness and compassion.
- Partake in activities that bring you joy.
- Congratulate yourself on your accomplishments, and ponder potential future accomplishments.
- Treat yourself.
- Arrange a small, informal social gathering to celebrate.
- Don't celebrate at all if you don't want to.
- Foster healthier relationships in your life if you feel that your family and friends are acting unhealthy on your birthday or not showing you love.
Counseling options
Birthday sadness may be indicative of a more encompassing concern. Many people living with generalized anxiety or major depressive disorder find that significant events like a birthday can incite a spike in their condition and a decline in their mental health. If you're not used to experiencing birthday sadness, explore why you think it might be a factor this year. Writing down your feelings or confiding in a trusted loved one can help. If you find the sadness lingers or deepens into more intense feelings, speaking to a therapist might also be beneficial.
Some people feel trepidation about seeing a therapist. Traveling to and from an office, scheduling time for regular appointments, and discomfort over encountering others in a therapist's office can be deterrents to seeking help. If you're feeling this way, you might benefit from online counseling.
With time, experts have determined that the most effective alternative to in-person therapy is online therapy. With the rise in popularity of online therapy comes many platforms like BetterHelp that connect clients with mental health professionals with a wide range of backgrounds. Online therapy often offers convenient, affordable therapy tailored to your needs so you can learn practical, real-world strategies for coping with feelings of depression and anxiety, among many others.
Takeaway
Is it fine to feel extremely unhappy on your birthday?
Feeling sad on your birthday is a valid emotional response that some people experience. It's okay to acknowledge those feelings rather than dismiss them. If this experience is intense or persistent, it may be beneficial to explore these feelings with a therapist to understand the underlying cause and find healthy coping mechanisms.
Why do I feel let down on my birthday?
Feeling let down on your birthday can stem from various factors, like high expectations for the day that aren't met, reflections on personal achievements, or memories of past celebrations that seem happier in retrospect.
It's important to acknowledge these feelings and remember that other people can feel this way, too. If this letdown is affecting you deeply, talking to a therapist may help you navigate these emotions and set realistic expectations for future occasions.
What does post-birthday depression mean?
Post-birthday depression refers to feelings of sadness, disappointment, or a letdown that some people experience after their birthday has passed. It can arise from a mix of emotions tied to the end of celebrations, reflections on personal growth, or achievements of the past year. It can also be the comedown and quiet that can happen after a much-anticipated event.
While these feelings are often temporary, if you experience birthday depression that is intense or long-lasting, it could indicate an underlying mental health condition.
Why do I feel like my birthday is a burden?
Feeling like your upcoming birthday is a burden can stem from a variety of factors, including the pressure to socialize, the stress of planning an event, or the expectations others may have of you on this day. You might also feel a sense of obligation to appear happy or grateful, even if you aren't actually feeling excited. If you feel ashamed or like you don't deserve to celebrate your birthday, it could also come from past hurtful experiences with a family member or loved one.
Remember, it's okay to set boundaries and celebrate in a way that feels authentic. However, if these feelings are overwhelming or persistent, it could be a sign that there are underlying mental health disorders at play. Speaking to a therapist can be a helpful solution to uncover the deeper meaning behind your feelings and develop coping strategies to self-soothe.
What to do if no one cares about your birthday?
If you feel that no one cares about your birthday, consider reaching out to connect with friends or family in a low-pressure setting. Sometimes, others may not realize the significance of the day to you. Alternatively, you can treat yourself to an activity you enjoy, reflect on your personal achievements, or volunteer your time to a cause you care about to get a sense of fulfillment and connection. It can be helpful to remember that your worth is not measured by others' recognition.
Is it ok to be alone on your birthday?
Absolutely. It's okay to be alone on your birthday. Some people enjoy the solitude and opportunity for self-reflection, relaxation, and the ability to spend time on personal interests. Each person's birthday expectations are unique, so how you spend your birthday depends on what feels right for you. There's no right or wrong way to celebrate. If being alone is a choice that brings you peace and happiness, then it can be a meaningful way to give yourself self-compassion and mark your special day.
What do you say to someone who is sad on their birthday?
When someone is sad on their birthday, it may be important to offer support and validation. You might say something like, "I see you're not feeling the best today, and that's completely okay. Birthdays can bring up a lot of different emotions, and it's normal to not always feel like celebrating. I'm here if you want to talk about it, or I can just be here to keep you company, whatever you need." This kind of response acknowledges their feelings without trying to fix them, which can be comforting.
Why does my birthday upset me so much?
There are several possible reasons why you're upset or feel worse on your birthday or the days leading up to your birthday. Birthdays can stir up a mix of things, including heightened self-reflection, feelings of not meeting personal or societal expectations, reminders of past disappointments or negative experiences, or even the pressure to feel happy when you're not.
Birthdays often prompt an inventory of personal achievements and can trigger existential questions, leading to a sense of sadness or frustration if your life isn't where you'd hoped it would be. Many peer-reviewed studies have analyzed and documented the phenomenon of people feeling distraught around their birthdays, so know that you're not alone in your feelings.
Why don't I like my birthday to be celebrated?
You may not enjoy your birthday being celebrated if you prefer discreetness, find social gatherings overwhelming, or the attention and expectations associated with birthdays are uncomfortable for you. It's perfectly okay not to enjoy celebrations as everyone has their own preferences.
Why do I cry on my birthday every year?
Crying on your birthday could be a response to heightened emotions or stress. Generally, sadness or stress around one's birthday is temporary. However, if you feel like your emotions are overwhelming or long-lasting, it could be a sign of an underlying mental or physical condition, like depression, anxiety, or substance misuse disorder (formerly called substance abuse disorder). If you experience depression, anxiety, or other symptoms of an underlying condition, like enduring sadness, fatigue, physical aches, excessive worry, sleep disturbances, and more – consider reaching out to a professional for help.
- Previous Article
- Next Article