Six Ways To Thrive As A Blended Family
Parenting and family relationships can come with all sorts of challenges, and blended families are no different. Some of the unique challenges that those who form this type of family may face can be difficult, but their experiences can also be highly rewarding. If you’re part of or considering forming a blended family, the tips we discuss here could help you set yourself and each member up for success.
A rewarding and challenging experience: Blended families, defined
A stepfamily, or blended family, is defined as “a family unit formed by the union of parents, one or both of whom brings a child or children from a previous union(s) into the new household,” according to the American Psychological Association.
Stepfamilies are becoming increasingly common. Statistics indicate that as many as 1,300 new blended families are formed each day in the US.
This type of family can face a set of challenges in everyday life that non-blended families may not, which is why specific tips and resources that address this unique experience can be so important. Some examples of common challenges of stepfamily life can include:
Children having trouble adjusting to a new living situation
Children having trouble adjusting to having new half-siblings or step-siblings
Addressing disagreements about family rules or routines
Finding ways to spend time together that everyone can enjoy
Merging parenting styles with your new spouse or partner
Feeling overwhelmed with too many changes to day-to-day life
Handling any conflict with biological parents who are former partners
Tips for a successful blended family
Each family’s situation is different. That said, there are some general strategies you might consider that could help the members of your blended family feel seen and cared for and smooth the transition of combining households and/or family time.
1. Give it time
Combining families—especially if this entails combining households—can feel a bit chaotic at first. It can take time for the members to adjust logistically, emotionally, and in other ways, so patience and compassion along the way are generally key. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry indicates that it often takes up to two years for blended families to adjust to the new situation.
While this can seem like a long time if you’re just starting out in this process, know that you’re likely to see positive progress and milestones along the way. Staying consistent, being mindful of the changing needs of the child(ren) involved, and reminding them that they are loved and listened to can all be especially helpful during this period.
2. Provide structure
Children can be very adaptable and resilient, especially in the right environments. To provide them with the support they need as your family transitions, it’s often helpful to ensure that there is structure and routines in place. Consistent bedtimes, chores and responsibilities, regular family bonding time, and a stable living environment are all examples of these that you and your partner(s) can set up in order to benefit the children you are now raising together.
As they adjust to all the changes in their lives, these predictable structures can help them feel grounded. Plus, routines can benefit kids over the longer term, too. For example, research suggests that children who have a consistent and early bedtime may experience improved sleep, increased emotional stability and language development, healthy parental attachment, and other potential benefits.
3. Leave room for flexibility
Although structure is important, sticking to it too rigidly and not allowing for feedback and changes can cause problems. Sometimes, the way you originally envisioned some element of your blended family’s life might not end up being realistic. Leaving room for changes in plans and new feelings that may arise can be helpful.
For example, in their excitement, a new parent or new stepparent might put a strong emphasis on spending time bonding as an entire family right away. However, this could be too much for some children—especially adolescents and/or those who are having an especially difficult time with the transition. So even though you may have imagined engaging in this type of close family time every other night, adjusting your expectations to give the children a bit more space at first could go a long way towards easing the transition over the longer term.
4. Manage relationships with exes
If both partners bring children from previous relationships into a new blended family, there’s the potential for at least two ex-partners to continue being deeply involved in their daily lives—particularly if the parents of the children live nearby. Those who have custody agreements with co-parents may have to interact with their ex and/or their partner’s ex frequently. Doing your best to keep these relationships cordial, stable, and calm will typically benefit the children’s lives and help avoid conflict.
5. Keep the lines of communication open between family members
The value of communication is often emphasized when discussing relationships of all kinds, including blended family relationships. Setting aside time to regularly check in and communicate about how things are going can ensure that all members have the chance to discuss their feelings, frustrations, suggestions, and requests about the new family dynamic.
Making sure everyone feels comfortable partaking and understands that their opinions are valued can also help. This could be achieved by teaching children about what it means to practice active listening, setting rules related to respect, honesty, interrupting, etc. when someone else is talking, and inviting everyone to set and communicate their own boundaries as needed.
6. Consider speaking with a therapist
Parenting can be hard work, and blended family dynamics can present additional unique challenges. If you and/or your spouse or partner(s) are experiencing these, you may benefit from speaking with a trained therapist. They can help equip you with tools and techniques to approach problems that may arise and to keep your relationships strong.
Many people with children find it difficult to arrange their schedules to attend regular in-person therapy sessions. In cases like these, online therapy can represent a viable alternative. With an individual online therapy platform like BetterHelp—or ReGain, for couples—you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of home or anywhere you have an internet connection. Research suggests that online therapy can be as effective as in-person sessions in many cases, so it may be worth exploring this option if it’s more convenient for you.
Takeaway
What does “blended family” mean?
The term “blended family” is commonly used to refer to families with children that are formed due to parental remarriage. It is typically considered synonymous with the term “step-family.” When describing a blended family or step-family, many people use the term “new” parents to refer to step-parents and “natural” parents to refer to a parent with whom children are biologically related. The family is considered “blended” because two families merge into one unit.
A blended family may consist of two parents, each with their own children from an earlier relationship. In that case, “step-sibling” is often used to describe sibling relationships that exist through marriage rather than blood. It is important to note that many people consider families to be “blended” only after the parents marry, while others do not require marriage, considering only whether members of the blended family act as a family unit.
What are three issues common with a blended family?
Blending a family can be a complex process that requires communication, understanding, and flexibility. Not only do the parents need to ensure their relationship is stable and safe, but they must also address interactions between children. Some conflict between parents and children is normal, and each family will reach a standard for behavior, discipline, and family identity that works best for them.
Below are a few of the common blended family challenges people encounter:
- Different Discipline Standards. Children may have become accustomed to certain expectations from their natural parents. A step-parent with different ideas regarding household rules may be poorly received. Generally speaking, both parents in blended families should come up with a plan for discipline well in advance of blended families living together.
- Co-Parenting Disagreements. Many blended families divide custody with one or both parent’s former partners - the biological parents of at least some children in the family. Ideally, both biological parents are in agreement on how to co-parent their children effectively, but disagreements between co-parents and step-parents can complicate the blending process.
- Step-Sibling Conflict. Children should not be expected to automatically accept their step-siblings as family without a significant adjustment period. They may never see their blended family in the same way they do their biological family, which is common, but parents can take steps to ensure that they have healthy, proactive interactions with the members of their blended family.
How do blended families affect children?
Blending families is a rewarding and challenging experience with many avenues to success, but there are some specific situations in which outcomes are less favorable. Evidence suggests that a strong relationship between children and parents in a blended family can be defensive and substantially increase the children’s overall well-being. However, research has also indicated that a poorly blended family, marked by high conflict between parents and poor relationships between step-parents and stepchildren, can adversely impact children’s health and development.
Evidence suggests that the quality of family relationships and the roles adopted by stepparents are some of the strongest indicators of the impact the relationship will have on involved children. Stepparents who respect their partner’s ex, adopt a role based on family need (rather than their own conceptualizations), and provide empathetic, kind communication increases the chance of positive outcomes. Similarly, adult partners who prioritize maintaining a healthy, empathetic romantic relationship will likely see better outcomes for their children.
What is an example of a blended family?
Consider the following group of people: Amy, who has two children, Mark and Carl, and Todd, who has three children, Leslie, James, and Ashley. Amy and Todd are both divorced from their previous partners, and those partners are the biological parents of their children. Amy and Todd meet and begin dating a couple of years after their respective divorces, and eventually, the relationship becomes serious.
Amy and Todd decide to introduce their children to each other slowly and agree not to live together until they are engaged. Before moving in, they have several conversations about how they will address the family structure, discipline, each child’s personal space, and both parents' roles.
There is no well-defined point where the blending process begins, but some blended families consider it to be when both parents decide to live together along with their children. Mark, Carl, Leslie, James, and Ashley spend approximately half of their time in the custody of their other natural parent. Amy and Todd discuss how to interact with their former partners to maintain a good co-parenting relationship.
Once everyone moves in together, Todd and Amy are careful to stick to their plan and not push the blending process too quickly. A successful blended family often takes time, and Todd and Amy move slowly, allowing their respective children opportunities for open communication to raise concerns. As time goes on, each person learns their role and expectations. Eventually, Amy and Todd have established a healthy dynamic that respects their children, their co-parenting relationships with ex-partners, and the needs for their romantic relationship.
Why are blended families important?
Blended families have sometimes come under scrutiny, with some evidence indicating that divorce or separation of a child’s biological parents is only acceptable for the most dysfunctional relationships. However, breakups between biological parents are common, as are blended families. Evidence indicates that nearly one-third of all children live in a blended family before adulthood.
Blended families offer a solution to practical problems, like economic and time constraints, as well as issues related to childrearing. While each blended family will find its own dynamic based on the needs of the entire family, many step-parents assist their partner with childrearing, either directly or indirectly.
Evidence suggests that a healthy, strong blended family can help avoid some of the problems associated with children raised by single parents, such as poor academic performance, decreased social skills, and behavior problems. Parental stress is also reduced, likely leading to lower levels of depression and anxiety. A well-blended family can provide numerous benefits to parents and children alike, making them an important part of how families rebuild following the dissolution of the relationship between biological parents.
What are the strengths of blended families?
Blended families, or families in which children are only biologically related to one parent, may offer several advantages to both parents and children. Some possible strengths of a blended family are listed below:
- Financial circumstances likely improved. Even if a step-parent doesn’t fund their step-children directly, both parents living together and dividing expenses likely reduces the financial burden compared to living alone.
- Children can be exposed to new relationships, family traditions, opportunities for development, and potentially additional supportive family members.
- Children learn problem-solving and communication skills, an ordinary and necessary part of blending a family, especially if both partners have children from a previous relationship.
- Both partners have a supportive significant other (assuming the relationship is healthy, considered a necessary prerequisite for blending a family).
Why are blended families special?
Blended families are unique because they represent an important part of rebuilding after a divorce or breakup. Each blended family adopts its own dynamic and approach, and not all are healthy. However, if both partners maintain a healthy relationship, decide on family roles based on need, and openly discuss how to blend the family, the outcomes will likely be better. While blending a family, many parents learn advanced communication and problem-solving skills, often offering their children and themselves resources that improve the overall well-being of every member of the family.
How can we help blended families?
One of the best ways to help a blended family is to offer validation and acceptance. Blending a family is a complex process; one child, or more, may struggle to adjust, and parents may have different views of how to proceed. Because of this, most blended families learn new problem-solving and communication skills. Partners must prioritize their romantic relationship and work together to determine their roles within the family. Children may need to learn how to interact with new step-siblings or adjust to a new authority figure.
The complexities of blending a family may lead to increased stress, especially in the beginning. Providing validation to the parents may remind them that their efforts are worthwhile. Practical validation may be especially helpful. For example, an extended family member of one of the adults in the blended family buys holiday presents for both the biological children and step-children, which acknowledges the presence of the step-children and validates their presence in the family.
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