Tips For Adult Children Of Alcoholic Parents Who Want To Help

Medically reviewed by Laura Angers Maddox
Updated March 8, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team
Content warning: Please be advised, the below article might mention substance use-related topics that could be triggering to the reader. If you or someone you love is struggling with substance use, contact SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357). Support is available 24/7. Please see our Get Help Now page for more immediate resources.

Being raised by a parent with alcohol use disorder can lead to many adverse effects, some of which can persist into adulthood, though that’s not always the case. There are many common personality traits and mental health issues that can occur in the adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs). Therapy is often helpful for ACoAs to overcome challenges stemming from childhood. Adult children of alcoholics who wish to help their parents may talk with their parent about the problem, stage an intervention, present rehab facility options, and offer emotional support. Online or in-person therapy may be beneficial in helping individuals determine the best ways to help their parents.

Do you experience lingering effects from a parent’s alcohol use?

Traits common to adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs)

According to the American Psychological Association’s research on ACoA risk factors, patterns in a family dynamic where at least one parent struggled with alcohol use disorder can create and reinforce maladaptive (negative or harmful) thought patterns and behaviors that may present themselves in the adult children of alcoholics. These may include:

  • Persistent feelings of inadequacy and insecurity
  • Conflict avoidance
  • Difficulty controlling emotions
  • Increased likelihood of developing an alcohol or substance use disorder 
  • Hypervigilance, or being jumpy and worrying about everything (This is also a symptom of PTSD, which can occur after traumatic experiences)

American Addiction Centers enumerated the ten most common personality traits among ACoAs. This list is by no means complete, and experiences are likely to be as unique as the individuals going through them. 

Impulsive behavior

ACoAs may be quick to make choices or react to a situation without considering the consequences or legitimately thinking through other options. 

Inconsistency

You may have experienced repeated inconsistent behavior as a child of an alcoholic, which can often lead you to have trouble following through with your commitments at work and in personal relationships. ACoAs often over-commit because they may feel a need to care for everyone around them. 

Overreaction to things outside their control

ACoAs generally don’t cope well with change. Rather than taking the time to identify and process the emotions elicited by a shift in circumstances, many display extreme overreactions that may serve no purpose. 

Isolation

After growing up with an alcoholic, many adults feel different from others with a healthier upbringing. They tend to isolate themselves because they may have trouble functioning with others or feel upset when they don’t receive special treatment and allowances for dysfunctional behavior. 

Challenges in romantic relationships

Difficulties establishing and maintaining positive interactions with others often pose many challenges in romantic relationships for ACoAs. They may stay in unhealthy or abusive* relationships or experience extreme emotional ups and downs with their partner. 

*If you or a loved one is experiencing or witnessing any form of abuse, help is available. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline anytime at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Perceiving themselves as a victim

ACoAs may have trouble identifying and accepting the role their own choices play in their various situations and the current state of their lives and relationships. They may frequently blame others for the consequences they face and experience difficulty acknowledging their mistakes. 

Lying when the truth creates no problems

Many adult children of alcoholics are unfamiliar with the socially acceptable reaction to situations because that behavior typically wasn’t modeled for them as children. Their instinctual response may be to lie, omit, or exaggerate, even when the truth isn’t problematic and would be an acceptable answer. 

Judgmental behavior

ACoAs are often heavily judgmental of themselves and the people around them. This behavior can make it hard to feel content in their lives and relationships. 

Trouble accepting criticism

The opinions of other people may carry significant weight with ACoAs. They often desire and actively seek the approval of others and have a tough time accepting criticism, to the point of villainizing the other person or ending the conversation altogether. 

Substance use disorders

Despite first-hand evidence of the harm alcohol and substance use can do to the user and their loved ones, ACoAs tend to be predisposed to develop their own troubles. Researchers often credit this to a potential combination of genetics, a history of environments with heavy substance use problems, starting young, or lacking practical coping skills to manage stress.
Getty/AnnaStills

Mental health conditions common among adult children of alcoholics

Several mental health conditions may be among ACoAs. Mental health professionals often recommend cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to overcome lingering harmful mental and emotional habits and patterns. 

  • PTSD
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Emotional dysregulation
  • Substance use disorder
  • Alcohol use disorder

How to support an alcoholic parent through recovery

You may have felt powerless to help your parent with their addiction as a child and want to support them now, or perhaps they developed an alcohol use disorder later in life. Knowing how to approach a parent about addiction can be challenging, but mental health experts offer tips to outline some potential routes. 

Talk about the problem

Before they can seek meaningful help, someone with an alcohol use disorder generally must admit that there’s a problem. The journey to recovery and establishing healthy habits typically starts with confronting the issue. However, this will likely be an unpleasant conversation, and you should be prepared for resistance, denial, or anger. 

Arrange an intervention

For some people, loved ones gathering to express their concerns about alcohol use can be a wake-up call. Many people with an alcohol use disorder may not realize how their actions affect others. This may not be an easy option, and many people do not react well to confrontation. You might discuss the matter with your parent’s friends and family to determine the best method to approach recovery. 

Present rehab facility options

If your parent is willing to attend rehab, you can make the process as easy as possible. Try contacting rehab facilities and gathering information. Financial assistance and emotional support may be vital factors in rehab treatment. 

Offer emotional support

Alcohol withdrawal can be brutal on your parent’s emotional, physical, and mental state. It can be helpful to support your parent through this process. You might emphasize how proud you are that they are making healthy choices. Show them you love them despite everything that happened in the past and encourage their continued growth and recovery. 

Support both parents

As difficult as it can be to have an alcoholic parent, it can be vital to remember that your other parent has also been through a challenging time. Try to be there for them through this process, offering emotional support through the changes and obstacles. Focus on being a positive presence in both their lives. 

Identify and remove alcohol triggers

Encourage your parent to identify the triggers that push them toward alcohol use. Removing those triggers from their daily environment can help promote their success with sobriety. 

Engage in and promote healthy activities

Many people with an alcohol use disorder find that drinking progressively consumes more and more of their free time. It can be hard to make the shift to healthier activities and habits. Make time to engage in and promote positive pastimes with your parent as they work through their recovery.

Allow for setbacks, but hold them accountable

Addictions of any kind can be challenging to overcome. Try to understand when setbacks occur without exhibiting too much anger and disappointment, as it can be discouraging and lead them to continue drinking to escape the negative feelings. However, holding them accountable for their actions and not making excuses can be crucial. Finding a balance can be difficult for many people. 

Contact a licensed therapist for additional support and guidance

A licensed therapist can help your parent identify and correct the behaviors and thought patterns that lead to drinking. Many people may not know where to start, so try researching the topic yourself and presenting a focused overview to your parent so they can find an appropriate therapist. 

Resources for adult children of alcoholics

Do you experience lingering effects from a parent’s alcohol use?

How therapy can help ACoAs overcome harmful patterns

Recent studies show that online CBT through virtual therapy providers can be just as effective as in-person treatments in the clinical setting. Online therapy often has a higher attendance rate and can promote stronger relationships between ACoAs and their therapists. Working with a therapist online is usually significantly less expensive and typically involves shorter wait times.  

Takeaway

Adult children of alcoholics often live with many lasting impacts from their childhood experiences. They may have certain personality traits or experience mental health disorders related to their upbringing. As adults, individuals may wish to help their parents overcome alcohol use disorder. Therapy, whether in person or online, can be helpful in aiding them in overcoming lingering effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent and in guiding them as to the best methods for helping their parent.
Seeking to explore family concerns in a supportive environment?
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