I Don’t Want Kids: Why Parenting And Children Aren’t For Everyone

Although traditional attitudes appear to be evolving, most people still view parenthood as a natural step in adulthood. For many, however, remaining child-free is the preferred choice and is often rooted in personal values, ranging from career ambitions and lifestyle preferences to environmental concerns and mental health considerations. However, the child-free choice often invites scrutiny, judgment, and unsolicited advice despite its legitimacy. 

People who opt out of parenthood or don’t want kids may face intense societal, familial, and cultural pressure to conform, which can lead to a sense of isolation, guilt, and self-doubt. This article explores the challenges faced by those who choose to live child-free, shedding light on the mental health toll associated with navigating a society that still equates adulthood with parenthood, and the importance of supporting autonomy and mental well-being in the face of such expectations.

Societal and familial pressure when you don’t want children

In many societies, people tend to assume that marriage and children are the default life trajectory, particularly for women in sociocultural environments where childbearing is seen as their primary role. This can lead to subtle comments or questions about when someone plans to "settle down" and have a family. Sometimes, individuals may sense that they are socially excluded or believe they aren't "doing their part" by not having children. Family members may worry about the individual's well-being and care in old age, feel disappointed that the family line isn't continuing, or view the individual as selfish or immature for not wanting children. 

Rising pronatalism

Definitions of pronatalism vary, but in essence, the term refers to the sociocultural bias toward human reproduction. The concept of pronatalism is a topic of debate among some. It can be controversial, especially as it applies to areas of government support, policy, and attitudes aimed at curtailing birth control or increasing the birthrate of a country. Some argue that pronatalist attitudes can create hostility that is directed at not only people who choose not to have children, but toward other groups as well. 

For example, while this is not always the case, some pronatalist ideologies favor biological reproduction among native-born citizens, an attitude that can be linked to anti-immigrant sentiments. Additionally, LGBTQIA+ individuals may experience heightened discrimination due to the pronatalist norms associating reproductive capabilities with womanhood and traditional family structures. 

Media representations and cultural narratives of parenting and being child-free

Although attitudes seem to be changing, most media representations and cultural narratives around having children continue to tend to favor binary and traditional gender roles. For some, these norms may contribute to issues around identity, validation, and self-worth. Additionally, the constant exposure to social media and other forms of media depicting families with children can lead to a sense of being "left out." However, recent research also suggests that social media may play a supportive role for women who choose not to have children, creating a sense of solidarity and understanding among those who’ve decided to go child-free.

From lack of desire to no parental leave: Why some never wanted children

In 2024, the Pew Research Center surveyed why people choose to forego parenthood. They found that participants’ reasons varied significantly depending on their age. For example, 57% of adults and young people aged 18 to 49 said they weren't interested in raising children, versus 31% of those over 50. Adversely, more people over 50 said they hadn't or didn't have children because they hadn't found the right partner, versus those 49 and under (33% and 24%, respectively). 

The personal pros and cons of not having children

Beyond social pressure and judgment, the benefits and drawbacks of going childless typically depend on individual attitudes and circumstances. For example, a person may love kids but find that a child-free lifestyle frees up time and money, allowing for greater flexibility to focus on other things, such as a career, interests, or a social life. People without children may experience less stress, and, for some, focusing on themselves over a child's needs can lead to a sense of personal fulfillment and self-discovery.  

On the other hand, there is the potential for loneliness and isolation resulting from a lack of family or close relationships with children. Some individuals may believe they are missing out on the unique experience of nurturing another human being, or they may experience guilt or regret later in life if they think they've missed out on the opportunity to have children. Others may have concerns over a lack of family legacy or fear of not having caregivers in old age. 

Personal identity and choosing a child-free life

For some, embracing a child-free life can be a way to redefine their identity away from traditional societal expectations of motherhood or parenthood. This might involve exploring new interests, pursuing professional goals, or developing a sense of autonomy and self-reliance. Some might find that being child-free allows them to focus on personal growth and well-being, potentially leading to greater self-acceptance and happiness. 

Cultivating greater fulfillment, meaning, and purpose for those who don’t want children

Not everyone without children experiences a lack of meaning and purpose in life. However, some may struggle to find purpose in a world that often equates fulfillment with parenthood. If you're living a child-free life, you can cultivate abundant meaning and purpose beyond parenthood in many ways. For example, you may find a sense of purpose by contributing to the world in ways that align with your values, such as volunteer work or community involvement. You may also focus on personal passions or cultivate deeper, more nurturing relationships with loved ones and friends. 

Caring for your mental health and emotional well-being

Finding the most effective ways to boost your mental health and well-being may take time, patience, and, perhaps, trial and error. You may try focusing on building resilience, engaging in self-care, and fostering social connections. This might involve developing healthy lifestyle habits, taking time for yourself, exploring your personal beliefs and values, and seeking support from others. Additionally, embracing a child-free lifestyle can be its own form of self-care, allowing for prioritization of your passions and well-being. 

Daily strategies for well-being

There are everyday things you can do to take care of your physical, mental, and emotional health. For example, establish a consistent exercise routine, nutritious eating habits (including drinking plenty of water throughout the day), and adequate sleep. To manage stress, consider developing a mindfulness practice, including activities like meditation, deep breathing exercises, and journaling. 

Regularly practicing gratitude can cultivate a positive mindset, too. Try writing down things you are grateful for each day, let people know how much you appreciate them, and focus your thoughts and energy on the positive aspects of your life. Many find that engaging in regular acts of kindness and generosity can be an excellent way to nurture gratitude. Finally, spend time doing things that nourish and bring you joy, such as enjoying nature or doing a creative project. Engage in activities that stimulate your mind, such as taking a class or workshop, reading, or learning a new skill.

The role of relationships and social support

Studies indicate that connecting with loved ones is a cornerstone of good physical and mental health. Face-to-face interactions, calls, or even online communications can help (although it can be best to limit or avoid social media use if you find it's negatively impacting your well-being). Many find groups or activities that align with their interests and passions can foster connection, including groups targeted at people who are childless by choice. 

Attachment style and the decision to avoid having children 

While the issue is complex and multifaceted, research suggests that early attachment experiences with parents may play a role in shaping a person's views on parenthood and their desire to be child-free. For example, one study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that attachment avoidance toward caregivers was the strongest predictor of being child-free among the study’s participants. 

Additionally, participants with anxious attachment styles cited safety concerns or worries that they may risk passing along health issues to their offspring as some of the top reasons for remaining child-free. In contrast, individuals with avoidant styles tended to refrain from having children for lifestyle reasons.

Long-term considerations and aging without children

Proactive planning for the future is often necessary to age comfortably, regardless of whether a person has two children, three kids, or a child-free parental status, for example. Housing, care needs, and legal affairs are common considerations. People without children may need to consider designating a power of attorney and establishing retirement community options that offer flexibility for changing needs. For those who want to leave a legacy, teaching, writing memoirs, and making donations to charities can honor their memory. In cases where individuals are unable to manage their own affairs later in life, a guardian or conservator may be appointed to handle financial, healthcare, and housing decisions. 

Do people who never wanted children experience regret?

While many people who never wanted children report no regrets, some do experience doubt or regret. A survey by We Are Childfree, an organization dedicated to fighting stigma and supporting people who choose to go child-free, found that 4% of respondents who decided to remain child-free expressed some regret. The survey also examined the types of regret experienced by its participants and found the overwhelming majority experienced what is known as “cold” regret—regret over a missed opportunity or something they didn't do, rather than the “hot” regret one might experience after doing something one wishes they hadn't, like a mistake or a bad decision. 

The choice to be child-free can present mental health challenges

Speak to an online therapist for support

Caring for yourself and exploring your child-free identity in therapy

If you’re experiencing distress or doubt over your choice to remain child-free, remember you’re not alone. Many people experience similar feelings. However, the reasons for such emotions are often more complex than a simple absence of children in one's life. Issues of identity and experiences in one's own childhood may play key roles. 

Virtual therapy can support individuals as they work through such mental health challenges from the comfort of home on a schedule that fits their needs. In addition to accessibility and convenience, online platforms like BetterHelp offer access to a broader pool of therapists, allowing users to find a therapist who affirms their child-free lifestyle—an essential factor for those who may fear stigma and judgment. 

Empirically driven data shows that methods like internet-delivered cognitive behavioral therapy (iCBT) can be effective in helping individuals with a variety of mental health challenges. For example, a 2020 meta-analysis published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research found evidence supporting online CBT for depression and anxiety treatment.