How To Forget Small Talk And Ask The Important Questions

Medically reviewed by Nikki Ciletti
Updated March 4, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Small talk, whether you love it or hate it, can be an inevitability of most of our daily social interactions. For many people, it can be refreshing to talk about smaller, inconsequential subjects before moving on with their day. But on the flip side, small talk can also feel like a conversational trap. It can be beneficial to use small talk as a way to transition into deeper topics. You may find that talking about things you feel passionate about inspires your conversation partners to dive into deeper discussions with you. To further develop your communication skills, it can be helpful to work with a licensed therapist online.

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Having trouble starting the conversations that matter?

What’s wrong with small talk?

Small talk generally serves a valid function within a conversation and in relationships. Focusing on the small stuff can create a brief escape from “real” problems. Research has even shown that chit-chat can help build bonds and improve moods

The only times that small talk can be a problem may be when you’re using it to actively avoid an important conversation, or if it’s getting in the way of you feeling comfortable around another person. Sometimes small talk is like a verbal tap-dance around what you’re really trying to say—and often, surface-level discussions are just a play to try and get into those deeper conversations. 

The frustration of being caught in small talk can, in some cases, even have an adverse effect on our mental health. Psychologists have found that people who have more substantial conversations report higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction. It may seem like common sense that people feel more satisfied in life if they’re comfortable having serious conversations, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to be focused on serious talk all the time. 

Getting to know someone

Not everyone has the same definition of “small talk.” For some people, asking them about their job might feel like an insignificant pleasantry, but for others, it might feel like a very personal inquiry. Keeping in mind that everyone is likely to have a limit on what they’re willing to tell, here are a few things to keep in mind when trying to move past superficial topics:

Everyone likely has something they want to talk about. It doesn’t necessarily matter if it’s macrame, running, reading, social justice, or just something interesting they saw happen the day before. Research has shown that people enjoy deep conversations with strangers more than small talk, but often feel stuck recycling the same handful of “acceptable” topics because that’s what they perceive as “normal.”  

Small talk isn’t always a dead end. Just because someone is passionate about something doesn’t mean they’re going to be chomping at the bit to discuss it with everyone they meet. Sometimes it takes a little bit of work to get them going. Here’s where the value of small talk may lie. If you’re talking about the terrible weather, maybe ask them how they like to spend their free time on a rainy day. If someone mentions that they’re going out of town for a weekend, that can be a great chance to ask them about the most interesting place they’ve traveled to in the past. 

It can be helpful to remember that there’s generally no need to jump down someone’s throat with the most serious questions you can think of! Anything that provides a chance to express your genuine curiosity in the person you’re speaking with may move the conversation in a more intimate direction. You might simply let the conversation flow and see where it takes you.

You don’t always need to be afraid of silence. One of the greatest drivers of meaningless small talk may be the belief that periods of silence need to be ended at any cost. In many social situations, silence may seem like the enemy, but that type of thinking can also block off an aspect of the conversational sphere that’s often overlooked. Sometimes, conversations have natural resting places, which can serve as jumping-off points into something new and exciting. 

Feeling the natural direction a conversation is heading can be an important social skill to learn, but sometimes it can take time to develop. If you struggle with feeling awkward during periods of silence, you might challenge yourself to accept it as an important part of the conversation rather than automatically filling it with chit-chat.

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Know what you’re bringing to the table

Sometimes, people have a hard time breaking out of small talk because they feel like they don’t have anything interesting to say. So just to dispel that notion, congratulations: You are interesting! Sure, you might not know how to articulate the things that interest you, but that’s something that can take practice for everybody. 

Of course, not every topic may be interesting to every person. Maybe you can talk at length about your favorite film, but if your conversation partner hasn’t seen it, you might notice their attention begin to wander. It can be helpful not to take this personally. Everyone generally has their own hobbies and interests, and some people don’t enjoy conversations they don’t feel they can contribute to. 

If you think it would help, there’s nothing wrong with taking a sort of “conversational inventory” as a method of discovering what you have to offer in a conversation. Try writing down on a piece of paper, on your phone, or on your computer ideas of what to talk about. You might choose five to seven subjects that are not small talk topics. Take a moment to write out one or two bullet points under each topic that explain why that topic is interesting to you and why you think it might be interesting to someone who has never heard about it before. Here are just a handful of ideas to get things started:

  • A hobby that’s important to you
  • The most interesting thing you’ve read recently, and the impact it’s had on you
  • Your personal passions and values, and what experiences have led you to develop them
  • Something about your culture or family that has shaped your personality
  • Any physical or intellectual pursuits that you are engaged in or want to learn more about

As you start to work topics like these into conversations, you may find that people are much more easily engaged and interested in what you have to say when it’s something you’re passionate about. 

How therapy can help your conversational skills

Therapy is essentially built upon the idea that people need to talk about certain things in their lives, things that may not be voiced in the casual pleasantries we exchange with strangers. Getting past surface-level discussions can be hard, especially if you’re nervous about what lies beneath. That’s totally okay. Working with a therapist can create a safe, judgment-free space to skip past small talk and explore deeper topics.

As therapy has become more available through online resources, it’s now often much easier to find a therapist who is easy for you to talk to. And since person-to-person therapy and online therapy are both shown to be equally effective, it may be worth exploring all your options to find someone to help you break through to the important discussions. Online therapy can add convenience and flexibility to the process of working with a licensed professional.

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Having trouble starting the conversations that matter?

Takeaway

Small talk is often a part of our everyday life. When superficial conversations seem like an impediment to what you’re really trying to say, it may be time to look for new ways to get around small talk. But, rather than fearing it, it can be important to see small talk as a tool to help you ease into deeper conversations. With practice and awareness, you may soon find yourself having the deep conversations you’ve been looking for. A licensed therapist, whether in person or online, can also help you develop your communication skills and move past small talk.
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