Learning How To Recognize Codependency And Tips For Preventing It

Humans tend to be social creatures by nature. Having other people to lean on can improve our physical health, reduce our chances of developing mental illness, and make us feel less alone. However, there can be such a thing as too much dependence, which may be common among those who live with codependency. Those who are codependent often have low self-esteem, and their identity may be tied to taking care of others’ needs and emotions. Building up your sense of self, improving your self-esteem, and processing past trauma can help you prevent codependent behavior.

Meanwhile, you may move on from codependency by practicing self-care, setting healthy boundaries, finding happiness within yourself, and seeking professional help. A licensed therapist, whether in person or online, can help you identify and overcome codependent tendencies.

What is codependency?

Codependency generally refers to when a person tries to control or help another person to the extent that they neglect their own needs. A codependent person usually finds their identity and worth in putting others first. 

While it can seem wonderful and selfless to care for others, it can become unhealthy when it overshadows taking care of your own needs. In many cases, this excessive dependence results from childhood trauma due to family members living with illness or substance use disorder. Codependency often affects the relationship negatively and can make it difficult to be mutually satisfying.

Codependency versus being dependent

Depending on other people for emotional support is not necessarily a bad thing. We may all need to do it from time to time. It can be a healthy behavior that may get us through some of life's most difficult moments. Healthy dependency usually means that two people rely on each other for support, attention, love, and care. It is normally mutual and satisfying for both individuals. 

Codependency, however, can occur when one or both people feel they have no purpose without the other. More specifically, someone who is codependent may need to be needed by another human. They may like to fulfill the other person's desires, even if it comes at great personal cost and self-sacrifice. 

It can be difficult to distinguish between healthy dependency and codependency, but doing so can be vital so that you can seek help when needed.

What causes codependent behavior?

While the cause of codependency can vary, it is often a behavior that stems from one's childhood experiences. The child may have grown up in a home where their needs were ignored or neglected altogether. They may even have been abused*. Any emotional neglect can cause a child to develop low self-worth and self-esteem. It's also likely that a codependent person developed feelings of shame or guilt at some point in their life. Usually, those feelings have not been addressed.

*If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) for immediate support, advice, and assistance.

Furthermore, parents who are overprotective or underprotective often have codependent children. When a parent shields their child from the world, it can teach that child that they do not have what it takes to stand on their own. They may not gain the experiences necessary to develop healthy independence. Children who go through any trauma can also be more likely to become codependent on another person later in life. A child with a parent with a substance use disorder can also be more prone to being overly dependent on another person. 

Signs of codependency

You can be on the lookout for many signs to determine if you or someone you know might be codependent. Here are some of the most common indicators:

• You have trouble trusting yourself
• You have a hard time making decisions
• You have a hard time letting go of unhealthy relationships
• You try to change other people or think you can fix them
• You hide your true feelings in many cases
• You find it difficult to open up, be vulnerable, or ask for help
• You don’t ask for what you truly want
• Your focus is on another person rather than yourself
• You neglect your own needs
• You are hypervigilant about the emotions of others
• You try to solve other people’s problems
• You are a people pleaser
• You avoid conflict
• You think you’re responsible for other people’s emotions
• You feel obligated to help others
• You have low self-esteem or self-worth

How to prevent codependent behavior

You may not be able to prevent things that happened in your childhood, like neglect or living with a parent who has a substance use disorder. However, you can take steps to prevent codependency from taking over your life. 

• Build up your sense of self: Knowing who you are, what you stand for, and what your values are can ensure you maintain your sense of self in any relationship. You may also be less likely to compromise on things you don't agree with and make sure your own needs are being met.
• Work on your self-esteem: Codependent people tend to have lower self-worth and may not be as confident in themselves. This can lead them to seek validation from others and need constant reassurance. If you love yourself and know that you are valuable as you are, you likely won't be reliant on other people to tell you what you're worth.
• Process trauma: If you've gone through scary or traumatic events in the past, you may need to work through those things on your own or with the help of a professional. Healing your traumas can make it less likely that you'll look to others to fix or save you.

You can heal from codependency. Remember to have patience with yourself. What matters may be that you work toward healthier relationships that satisfy you and let you be yourself.

Moving on from codependency

Have you realized you're living with codependency? Please know that you can heal and move forward with your life. Below are some tips for addressing these potentially harmful behaviors:

• Practice self-care: Self-care can be anything from hobbies to activities to healthy habits. You might take an art class, ride your bike, or get a pedicure. Taking time for yourself each day, week, or month can be important for reducing stress and recognizing your needs. 
• Build up your self-confidence: Since codependency often stems from low self-worth, you may need to build yourself back up after a codependent relationship. You can heal trauma, establish healthy relationships, and learn to say "no" more often.
• Set healthy boundaries: Boundaries can be vital to keeping everyone safe and healthy. They can establish people as individuals and emphasize personal autonomy. They may also contribute to better mental and emotional health. In times of distress, they can keep you from feeling burned out.
• Get professional help: Seeing a therapist can give you the chance to work through past hurts or traumas that may have created your codependency in the first place. You may have the chance to process your feelings in a safe space without feeling judged. Your therapist can point out when you may be falling back into harmful habits.
• Find happiness within yourself: Realizing that no one can fix or save you can be a big step toward moving past codependency. No relationship can make you happy on its own, and it's generally not healthy to rely on another person for complete life satisfaction. A relationship cannot usually heal your past wounds; you may need to do that work yourself.

If you're in a codependent relationship, you can learn how to recover from the unhealthy behaviors, patterns, and habits that got you to where you are today. Since codependency is often a learned behavior, the solution may be to unlearn it. It can be helpful to remind yourself that you have what it takes to move forward and into healthier relationships.

Signs of a healthy relationship

Codependent relationships are usually unhealthy, even if the people in the relationship don't realize it. Healthy relationships tend to look different and can bring both people happiness and satisfaction. We’ve discussed the signs of a codependent relationship, but what are the signs of a healthy one? 

• Open communication: Healthy relationships are typically built around open and honest communication. Both partners may practice empathy and understanding, and they may actively listen during important conversations. When there's conflict, they usually fight fairly and focus on restoring the relationship rather than being right.
• Mutual support: Healthy dependency in a relationship generally means that both people can go to the other when they need advice, help, or emotional support. There is typically no shaming from either side when one partner is going through something difficult. Emotions are normally welcomed, accepted, and explored.
• Trust and respect: Without trust and respect, it's often harder to feel safe and accepted within the relationship. When trust and respect are present, both partners can be themselves and grow alongside one another as individuals.
• Enjoyment of time spent together: In healthy relationships, partners do not always have to be together. However, they typically enjoy the time they spend with one another. They can find fun things to do and often laugh together. They can usually be themselves without feeling judged by their partner.

Whether your relationship is healthy or not, there may always be ways to improve it. Some couples may go to counseling to make improvements, while others may implement changes independently. Every relationship can be different, so it's usually best not to compare yours with others. However, it can still be good to stay aware of potential red flags so you can recognize when something isn't healthy. 

Coping with codependency

Therapy is commonly pursued by those living with codependency. However, you can also try these tactics to relieve some of your stress:

The practice of mindfulness, or focusing on the present without judgment, can help you with emotional control and stress reduction. You may be able to recognize your wants and needs more clearly and express them better. When you take the time to be still and mindful, you can become more in tune with your desires. Then, you can work toward relationships that can healthily fulfill your needs.

Since many people with codependency may also experience anxiety, breathing exercises can offer relief.

People who are codependent often find it difficult to identify their true thoughts and feelings. Writing down anything that comes to mind on paper can help you see your emotions more clearly. Journaling may also help you express those needs more effectively.

How can therapy help?

Moving past codependency isn't always easy, but it's usually healthier in the long run. You don't necessarily have to go through the process alone, and you may benefit from the support of a licensed therapist. 

One of the most popular treatments for codependency tends to be cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which usually focuses on identifying false thinking and beliefs and then works to replace them with healthier thoughts and behaviors. 

Because codependency often evolves from childhood experiences, therapy frequently delves into the root cause of the behaviors, helping you to reframe false ideas and uncomfortable emotions into something more positive. 

Many people are turning to online therapy instead of traditional in-office therapy because of the ease and convenience of receiving care. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, and it can be a great option for anyone needing professional advice and support. A benefit of online therapy may be that you can easily match with a therapist who has experience helping others with similar challenges, such as codependency.

Online therapy may be helpful if you are living with codependency, depression, anxiety, or other mental health challenges. Although not many studies currently focus on the efficacy of online therapy for codependency specifically, research generally suggests that online and in-person therapy are similarly effective.