The Happiness Concept: How To Be Happy Alone

Happiness is a very individualized concept, meaning that each person has a different idea of what it means to be happy—and it usually looks very different from the glamorous snapshots we see on people’s social media. 

However, there are some common threads between happy people. According to a long-term study done by Harvard researchers, having fulfilling social connections and prioritizing intrinsic happiness over desires like fame and fortune usually contributes to the most happiness. If you’re having trouble in your new search for happiness, it may be helpful to work with a licensed therapist. You can do so online or in person.

What does it mean to be happy?

It can be challenging to truly define the concept of happiness, but in recent years, the field of positive psychology has developed in an attempt to break down happiness in a way that’s understandable and manageable. In many ways, positive psychology seeks to find answers to what Greek philosophers like Socrates and Plato called “Eudaimonia,” which they considered the highest possible state of well-being for which all people should strive. People tend to have widely differing opinions when it comes to how we should be striving for that happiness.

For the most part, people tend to overthink the concept of happiness. We may not constantly be monitoring our overall happiness, but if we stop to really think about it, we tend to know whether or not we’re happy with our lives. 

None of these answers may settle the age-old question of “what is happiness,” but they may bring that answer into focus. At the very least, they may help you begin to paint a picture of what your version of happiness looks like, and that can be a great place to start. 

Cultivating lifelong happiness

As anyone who’s experienced the sugar high and inevitable crash after eating too much candy may know, chasing fleeting happiness is not usually an efficient or sustainable goal. It can be important to find happiness in the moment, but this pursuit generally should not exist at the expense of long-term happiness. 

Research shows that spending time on satisfying relationships and maintaining physical health can substantially benefit one’s happiness. In one of the longest-running studies of adult life, Harvard University researchers collated data on a group of one-time undergraduates since the late 1930s. Since its beginning, the study has also grown to include the original subjects’ children—many of whom are now in their 50s and 60s—as well expanding to other people in their communities. The result is over 80 years of records on the physical and mental health of the subjects, and the most expansive study ever performed on what is most likely to create a happy life.

In particular, the study focused on what aspects of people’s lives were the best predictors of long-term happiness. What they discovered was that, more than anything, people who were satisfied with their relationships with other people at age 50 were much more likely to be happy at age 80. Next to that, they found that people who took the best care of their bodies throughout their 20s, 30s, and 40s generally had a higher likelihood of reporting lifelong happiness. 

What can we learn from this study, which is as close to a scientific answer to “what will make me happy?” as we have available to us? Let’s distill those lessons into two points:

1: Social connections can keep us happy and healthy

The researchers in the Harvard study have unequivocally asserted that people with strong connections to their friends, family, communities, or any combination of the three will usually live longer, happier lives. This doesn’t necessarily mean you need to start forming as many relationships as possible. Some people are happiest with just one or two relationships and can still receive the full mental and physical benefits as long as those relationships are meaningful. Quality, not quantity, is generally the key.

This may be our biggest takeaway, but there may be a few important things to remember. First, “relationships” do not always have to be romantic. Forming quality friendships can be just as important for our mental health and wellness. This can take time, but it’s usually worth it!

Second, there may be no such thing as a perfect relationship. The Harvard researchers noted that even the subjects who reported being happiest in their relationships still tended to bicker with their partners from time to time. What was normally important was that, when push came to shove, they entirely trusted their partner to have their back. Remember to hold other people, and yourself, to realistic standards. No one can be perfect all the time!

2: It can be important to orient your priorities toward happiness

In his TED Talk, Robert Waldinger, the fourth director of the Harvard study, mentioned that the most commonly reported life goals for millennials were fame and fortune. However, over the 80 years of the Harvard study, neither of those was nearly as strong a predictor of happiness as having strong relationships. Sometimes, when we orient ourselves toward long-term material goals, we do so without knowing if they will really make us happy in the end. 

For example, some people dedicate their entire education to careers that will make them financially successful, only to discover in the end that they don’t enjoy the work itself. This isn’t the case for everyone, but it goes to show that we may never count on prioritizing goals based on money or status to give us fulfillment. It can be important to keep perspective and, when you’re really trying to figure out what will make you happy in the long run, to prioritize the things you know will make a difference in your happiness.

You might spend time writing down a list of five things that make you happy and five things that you think will make you happy in life. Take a moment to realize which of these are short-term goals and which are long-term. Don’t be afraid to ask other people for their advice or input. Everyone’s version of happiness tends to be a bit different, and there may always be something to be learned from telling and listening to other people’s experiences.

How therapy can help

The truth is that the question, “What will make me happy?” is almost always too big for any one person to handle on their own. It’s a question that’s likely occurred to almost every person since the beginning of time, and yet it’s still debatable whether there’s one true answer. But no one has to go it alone. Talking to a therapist can be immensely helpful when trying to figure out how to escape loneliness and embrace solitude. 

With online therapy, individuals can reach out to their therapists through video, phone calls, and text, potentially making it easier than ever to communicate with a mental health professional. 

Sometimes, just having someone’s professional, objective opinion can make all the difference. Online therapy, which is often even more available and affordable than in-person therapy while being just as effective, can provide an amazing opportunity for perspective and guidance.