5 Tips For Helping A Friend Cope With Grief

Medically reviewed by Julie Dodson
Updated March 13, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Grief is a nearly universal experience—but it is one that people can experience in vastly different ways. While many of us know how it feels to lose a loved one, we may not always know what to say or do to help someone else cope with grief. If your friend has lost someone close to them, your support can be meaningful, potentially making a significant difference in their ability to process their feelings, get things done, and heal. If you’re looking for strategies to help someone who is recently bereaved, there are several tips to keep in mind. Read on to learn more about what your friend may be experiencing during the grieving process and how you can make this period in their life more comfortable and less lonely.

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Looking for ways to support a grieving friend?

What is grief?

The American Psychological Association describes grief as the “anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person”. While grief can look different depending on the individual, feelings of sadness, anger, or confusion are common. It can cause an individual to experience serious mental and physical health struggles and may lead to isolation, work-related concerns, and other challenges. Though people often experience grief differently, there are thought to be stages that the bereaved go through as they process the loss of a loved one. 

The stages of grief

The five-stage model of grief also called the Kubler-Ross Model, is a commonly referenced framework for processing grief that originated in a 1969 book, On Death and Dying, by psychiatrist Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Since its publication, researchers have continued to study grief and adapt this model by adding to or modifying the stages. While the five-stage model of grief is not thought to be evidence-backed, it can still help describe some of the feelings and behaviors that individuals experience following a loss. The five original stages of grief are as follows:

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

People may experience these stages out of the above order or, in some cases, not at all. For example, a bereaved individual may feel anger at first, then depression, and then bargaining, before experiencing anger again. Whether you’re supporting a grieving friend or have just experienced your loss, remember that these stages are simply a guide and that other models of grief exist. 

Grief and mental health concerns

The emotional and physical challenges that typically accompany grief are natural, and people can often work through them with support and proper coping strategies. In some instances, however, feelings of loss can develop into complicated grief, or prolonged grief disorder, as described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V).

Complicated grief may develop if grief is severe, persistent, delayed, or absent. It is estimated that 7-10% of adults experience complicated grief following a loss. Additionally, many people experience challenges like post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and sleep disorders like insomnia as they navigate grief. 

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

5 tips for supporting a grieving friend

If a friend is experiencing grief, you may worry about acting appropriately or finding the right words when interacting with them. During this potentially challenging time, there are many ways you can provide attention and care. The following are five tips for supporting a grieving friend. 

1. Reach out regularly

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The period following a significant loss can be difficult. When a friend is coping with the loss of a loved one, regularly making yourself available to them can help them feel cared for and supported. Consider reaching out with a phone call, email, or quick text. Your message can be simple (e.g., “Thinking of you. I’m planning to give you a call this evening if you’re available?”).

People experiencing grief may not reach out on their own, so consider calling or messaging consistently. You can even let them know that you’ll call in the morning every other day, for instance, so they can expect and look forward to your conversation. 

You can also make yourself available in person. Your presence may be both meaningful and helpful as your friend copes with grief, allowing you to provide them with emotional and practical support (the latter of which we’ll discuss below). Importantly, though, they may not be ready to talk about their grief yet. If this is the case, you can let them know that they’re welcome to talk about their feelings, experiences, and the loss itself, when they can do so.

2. Find ways to help

In addition to emotional support, you can provide hands-on help to your friend during this difficult time. Experts advise against simply asking a grieving friend if they need anything, as they may not have the words or energy to articulate their needs. Instead, offer to do specific things for them, such as:

  • Cleaning their kitchen or bathrooms
  • Bringing their favorite meal
  • Doing their laundry
  • Taking out the trash and recycling
  • Making specific funeral arrangements

Assisting your friend with these logistical concerns may give them time to focus on their well-being and process their feelings. 

3. Listen

Sometimes, a person who is grieving simply wants to be heard. Providing your friend with the opportunity to talk through their feelings, and then taking time to listen intently, can be a significant show of support.

If your friend initiates a conversation, focus on the words and feelings they express, rather than your response. Ask follow-up questions if appropriate, but know that silence is OK, too. By allowing your friend to speak, be heard, and simply sit quietly with another person, you’re showing them that it’s okay to grieve and that they don’t need to go through this experience alone.

4. Use language carefully

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Looking for ways to support a grieving friend?

How you choose to verbally support your friend can be important. One important thing to remember is that it’s OK to talk about the deceased; in fact, it may reassure your friend to know that their loved one is being remembered. When in doubt, practice honesty. You can start with “I’m not entirely sure what to say or how to say this, but …”.  Even if it’s hard for you to express your condolences, your friend will likely appreciate your efforts.

The following are some messages to consider:

  • “I’m so sorry for your loss” 
  • “I know how much you loved them”
  • “I can’t imagine what you’re experiencing, but I will always be here to provide support and listen”

Notice that many of these phrases are simple and brief, yet still meaningful. Along with these words, you can recount a memory of the individual who passed and create a space for your friend to do the same. There are also phrases and euphemisms that you may want to avoid. Many experts advise against the following: 

  • Self-focused phrases, like “I could never handle what you are going through” 
  • Statements that highlight the bright side, like “At least they’re not suffering” 
  • “Let me know if you need anything” (while the intent is often kind, this phrase places the burden of asking for help on the person who’s grieving)

5. Seek professional help

At times, your friend may request some space to process their thoughts, make funeral arrangements, or generally decompress without the pressure of socializing. These requests may simply be part of their grieving process; but if you’re concerned about their mental health, you can offer to accompany them to a doctor’s appointment, therapy session, or even a support group for people who are grieving.

Additionally, it can be hard to process your feelings surrounding loss, even if the deceased wasn’t your loved one. While it’s important to be a compassionate, loving friend, it’s just as crucial to take care of yourself and, if necessary, consult mental health professionals for additional guidance.

Processing grief with online therapy

Online therapy is an effective tool for people experiencing mental health challenges related to the loss of a loved one. In a 2015 study of people experiencing complicated grief, researchers found that online cognitive behavioral therapy effectively reduced grief-related depression and ruminative thoughts in participants. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a widely utilized form of treatment that focuses on reframing thought patterns that may be underlying symptoms, such as those related to bereavement. 

Online therapy can provide you with emotional support and guidance if you’ve experienced loss or are helping a loved one navigate their grief. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can develop coping strategies remotely, through video calls, voice calls, or in-app messaging. You can also reach out to your therapist outside of sessions, which can be helpful if you have a question about the stages of grief or forgot to mention something during therapy.  

Takeaway

If you’re wondering how to help a friend navigate their grief, you’ve already taken the first step. In addition to the above tips, your prior knowledge of your friend can inform the way you’ll support them following a loss. If you’d like further guidance when it comes to bereavement, friendships, or similar topics, consider utilizing an online therapy platform. A mental health professional can give you the same compassion, care, and support that you’re working to provide to others.
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