5 Tips For Helping A Friend Cope With Grief

Grief is a nearly universal experience—but it is one that people can experience in vastly different ways. While many of us know how it feels to lose a loved one, we may not always know what to say or do to help someone else cope with grief. If your friend has lost someone close to them, your support can be meaningful, potentially making a significant difference in their ability to process their feelings, get things done, and heal. If you’re looking for strategies to help someone recently bereaved, there are several tips to keep in mind. Read on to learn more about what your friend may be experiencing during the grieving process and how you can make this period in their life more comfortable and less lonely.

What is grief?

The American Psychological Association describes grief as the “anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person.” While grief can look different depending on the individual, feelings of sadness, anger, or confusion are common. It can cause an individual to experience serious mental health struggles and may lead to isolation, work-related concerns, and other challenges. 

Traumatic grief, which can occur after the sudden death of loved ones, can often feel like the worst thing imaginable, leaving individuals not only sad but also in physical pain. As the person goes through their grief journey, the support of friends and family members can become key in healing and finding a way forward. Though people often experience grief differently, there may be stages that the bereaved go through as they process the loss of a loved one. 

The stages of grief

The five-stage model of grief, also called the Kubler-Ross Model, is a commonly referenced framework for processing grief that originated in a 1969 book, On Death and Dying, by psychiatrist Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Since its publication, researchers have continued studying grief and adapting this model by adding or modifying the stages. While the five-stage model of grief is not thought to be evidence-backed, it can still help describe some of the feelings and behaviors that individuals experience following a loss. The five original stages of grief are as follows:

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

People may experience these stages out of the above order or, in some cases, not at all. For example, a bereaved individual may feel anger at first, then depression, and then bargaining before experiencing anger again. Whether you’re supporting a grieving friend or have just experienced your loss, remember that these stages are simply a guide and that other models of grief exist. 

Grief and mental health concerns

The emotional and physical challenges that typically accompany grief are natural, and people can often work through them with support and proper coping strategies. In some instances, however, feelings of loss can develop into complicated grief, or prolonged grief disorder, as described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V).

Complicated grief may develop if grief is severe, persistent, delayed, or absent. It is estimated that 7-10% of adults experience complicated grief following a loss. Additionally, many people experience challenges like post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and sleep disorders like insomnia as they navigate grief. 

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

How to help a grieving friend: 5 tips

If a friend is experiencing grief, you may worry about acting appropriately or knowing how to interact with them, especially when trying to avoid saying the wrong thing. During this challenging time, as each individual grieves differently, you can offer social support and comfort to grieving people in numerous ways. The following are five tips for supporting a grieving friend.

1. Reach out regularly

The period following a significant loss can be difficult. When a friend is coping with the loss of a loved one, regularly making yourself available to them can help them feel cared for and supported. Consider reaching out with a phone call, email, or quick text. Your message can be simple (e.g., “Thinking of you. I’m planning to give you a call this evening if you’re available?”).

People experiencing grief may not reach out on their own, so consider calling or messaging consistently. You can even let them know that you’ll call in the morning every other day, for instance, so they can expect and look forward to your conversation. 

You can also make yourself available in person. Your presence may be both meaningful and helpful as your friend copes with grief, allowing you to provide them with emotional and practical support (the latter of which we’ll discuss below). However, they may prefer not to talk about what happened or the extent of their grief yet. If this is the case, you can let them know that they’re welcome to talk about their feelings, experiences, and the loss itself when they want to.

2. Offer practical support

In addition to emotional support, you can provide hands-on help to your friend during this difficult time. Experts advise against simply asking a grieving friend if they need anything, as they may struggle with difficult emotions and not have the words or energy to articulate their needs. Instead, offer to do specific things for them, such as:

• Cleaning their kitchen or bathrooms

• Bringing their favorite meal

• Doing their laundry

• Taking out the trash and recycling

• Making specific funeral arrangements

Assisting your friend with these logistical concerns may give them time to focus on their well-being and process their feelings. 

3. Listen

If your friend initiates a conversation, focus on the words and feelings they express rather than your response. Ask follow-up questions if appropriate, but know that silence is okay, too. By allowing your friend to speak, be heard, and simply sit quietly with another person, you’re showing them that it’s okay to grieve and that they don’t need to go through this experience alone.

4. Use language carefully

How you choose to verbally support your friend, especially when discussing traumatic grief or recalling memories of loved ones, can be crucial. Avoid being too directive and use a more empathetic approach.

One of the most important things to remember is that it’s okay to talk about the deceased; it may reassure your friend that their loved one is being remembered. When in doubt, practice honesty, complemented by meaningful eye contact, to convey your sincerity. You can start with, “I’m not entirely sure what to say or how to say this, but …”. Even if it’s hard for you to express your condolences, your friend will likely appreciate your efforts.

The following are some messages to consider:

• “I’m so sorry for your loss” 

• “I know how much you loved them”

• “I can’t imagine what you’re experiencing, but I will always be here to provide support and listen”

Notice that many of these phrases are simple and brief yet still meaningful. Along with these words, you can recount a memory of the individual who passed and create a space for your friend to do the same. There are also phrases and euphemisms that you may want to avoid. Many experts advise against the following: 

• Self-focused phrases like “I could never handle what you are going through” 

• Statements that highlight the bright side, like “At least they’re not suffering” 

• “Let me know if you need anything.” (while the intent is often kind, this phrase places the burden of asking for help on the person who’s grieving)

5. Seek professional help

At times, your friend may request some space to process their thoughts, make funeral arrangements, or generally decompress without the pressure of socializing. These requests may simply be part of their grieving process, but if you’re concerned about their mental health, you can offer to accompany them to a doctor’s appointment, therapy session, or even a support group for people who are grieving.

In addition, it can be hard to process your feelings surrounding loss, even if the deceased wasn’t your loved one. While it’s important to be a compassionate, loving friend, it’s just as crucial to take care of yourself and, if necessary, consult mental health professionals for additional guidance.

Going through the grief process with online therapy

Online therapy is an effective tool for people experiencing mental health challenges related to the loss of a loved one. In a 2015 study of people experiencing complicated grief, researchers found that online cognitive behavioral therapy effectively reduced grief-related depression and ruminative thoughts in participants. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a widely utilized form of treatment that focuses on reframing thought patterns that may be underlying symptoms, such as those related to bereavement. 

Online therapy can provide emotional support and guidance if you’ve experienced loss or are helping a loved one navigate their grief. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can develop coping strategies remotely through video calls, voice calls, or in-app messaging. You can also reach out to your therapist outside of sessions, which can be helpful if you have a question about the stages of grief or forgot to mention something during therapy.