How To Manage Relationships With Controlling People

Having a relationship with a person who has controlling tendencies can be challenging, whether they’re your significant other or your coworker. It can be helpful to understand that controlling tendencies usually stem from anxiety and other mental health challenges. Earning the trust of the controlling people in your life and anticipating their needs when reasonable can be helpful. You may also wish to speak with a licensed therapist through an online therapy platform for more personalized guidance.

Tip 1: Understand where control issues may come from

Those with anxiety-related control issues are often perceived as people who “have it all under control.” That is the persona they may embody and work very hard for the world to see. They may have learned that the best way to fend off anxiety can be to depend only on themselves. If they want a job done, and done right, they may believe they must do it alone, so they may always look like they're on top of things. Inside, however, they might be anything but calm, cool, and collected. In fact, they're likely a ball of nerves just waiting for the other shoe to drop or for all their plans to fall apart.

Tip 2: Familiarize yourself with other motives for controlling behavior

Understanding the motives behind the perceived annoying and possibly demeaning actions, words, and attitude of a person with a controlling personality can be essential. If the controlling person is your boss, they may be experiencing anxiety or a similar mental health challenge. They may be coping with that anxiety by attempting to control every detail of certain projects or micromanaging their employees. That degree of control may have led them to find success in work previously, potentially reinforcing this type of behavior. If you work on understanding the source of the controlling behavior, it may lessen your negative reactions toward the controlling person.

Sometimes, a person with a controlling personality may not have experienced organization or structure during their childhood, and they may now feel compelled to make up for that prior deficit. Other times, they may have experienced a loss that they felt could have been avoidable and may now be trying to ensure they never go through the same situation again. They might do this by trying to exercise control to the point that it can be overwhelming for you. If you know that the individual is behaving this way because they are overestimating a threat or compulsively attempting to avoid a painful trauma, then it may be easier for you to interact with them in a positive manner.

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

Tip 3: Look at the need behind the behavior

If you're struggling with a controlling boss or a co-worker, you might try to isolate the behavior from the need. Ask yourself what is it that needs to be done and how you can reassure the controlling person that it will happen. If your boss gives you an assignment and hovers over you as you attempt to complete it, you might tell them that you understand the importance of the assignment. You may then restate your understanding of the deadline and the objective.

It can be helpful to remember that the need for control is often related to anxiety. By restating and clarifying your understanding of the objective, the deadline, and your desire to deliver a quality product in a timely manner, you can help alleviate their anxiety. This may help them lighten up, but you may have to do this several times before their controlling behavior is redirected elsewhere.

Tip 4: Earn trust

There are often many aspects of a job that require responsibility. If your boss or coworker sees that you are taking a task seriously, then they may realize they don't necessarily have to monitor you. By demonstrating that you can be relied upon consistently, you may earn the trust of your boss or other controlling coworkers. Often, it can be hard for a controlling individual to trust others because they may feel as though they are the only person who can complete a task the correct way. In a work environment, this can mean the controlling person micromanages employees instead of delegating tasks to others, potentially leading to inefficiencies and strained relationships with coworkers. 

The same can be true for a controlling significant other. It may be difficult for your partner to open up in a romantic relationship if they have a controlling personality. If they ask you for a reasonable favor, such as picking up something from the grocery store, being reliable may help you earn their trust. That reliability, in turn, may alleviate their anxiety. This does not necessarily pertain to unreasonable tasks, such as predicting your significant other's arbitrary needs, but if you show your partner that you can fulfill their needs without being controlled, that can go a long way toward fostering a healthy relationship.

Tip 5: Anticipate the need

It may seem like a great deal of responsibility falls on your shoulders if you have a relationship with someone who has control issues. Even so, it can be important to recognize and be compassionate toward the controlling person. You may not be able to change that person, but you can change your reactions. You can anticipate their behavior and be proactive.

Individuals with anxiety and control challenges can be fairly predictable or ritualistic in their behavior and reactions. If we can react to their controlling behaviors with compassion rather than with frustration, then we may manage the situation appropriately.

Predicting a controlling person's behavior might mean understanding that their weekly "Friday deadline" can be stressful to them. However, being expected to “read someone’s mind” can be quite different. For example, having to know that your boss takes two sugars and one cream in their coffee without them ever telling you generally isn’t fair to you. Reacting to this type of unhealthy behavior can require a calm and assertive response.

Online therapy can help

If you experience anxiety and fear of losing control, this may impact your personal and professional relationships. Conversely, you might be struggling with a controlling person in your life. There is help available, and often just talking to someone about what you’re going through can be beneficial.

A growing body of research has shown that online therapy can address many of the issues stemming from control-seeking thoughts and behaviors. One study, published in Current Opinion in Psychiatry, found that online therapy can be a useful method of treating symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), including control issues. A particularly effective mode of online therapy when helping manage symptoms of OCD can be cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Cognitive-behavioral therapy generally works by reframing negative thought patterns, so that situations that may otherwise lead to controlling behavior or thoughts can become less triggering. 

Online therapy platforms are often considered a more convenient option for therapy due to the elimination of many common barriers, such as geography, cost, and stigma. The ability to get the professional help you deserve from the comfort of your home can be very empowering.

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Takeaway

Coping with controlling people can be extremely difficult. Their behaviors or mindsets may seem silly or frustrating, but they often stem from issues with anxiety. Earning their trust and anticipating their needs may help to relieve their anxiety and lessen controlling behaviors. Working with a therapist online can be another method of discovering effective tools for managing relationships with people who have controlling tendencies.