The Challenges Of Emotional Intimacy (And How To Address Them)
Emotional intimacy generally refers to the close emotional connection between partners in a relationship. This type of intimacy can occur in all types of relationships but is often particularly important for romantic ones. You may improve emotional intimacy with your partner by putting down your phone, making yourself emotionally available, spending time with your partner, and finding a healthy balance between yourself and your relationship. You might also seek a couples therapist online or in person to help you and your significant other improve your emotional intimacy.
What is emotional intimacy?
According to a 2013 study, emotional intimacy usually encompasses the close connection experienced by partners in a romantic relationship. Both partners are likely to feel loved and safe, can trust each other completely, and feel they may communicate freely.
While it can be possible to form an emotionally intimate connection with other people outside of your romantic relationship, such as family, colleagues, and close friends, this article generally focuses on the link between romantic partners.
“Forming intimate relationships is a fundamental human motive. Emotions play a critical role in intimate relationships - they are central to the development and maintenance of these bonds, and these very bonds can influence both individual and interpersonal emotional dynamics across time.”—Emotional Dynamics in Intimate Relationships
Recognizing emotional intimacy
In an emotionally intimate relationship, you and your partner will likely:
Empathize with each other and provide consistent emotional support
Feel safe, loved, understood, and valued
Partake in meaningful conversations, planning your future together and discussing hopes, feelings, goals, and fears
Show a willingness to try something the other suggests, like trying a new restaurant
Talk about your days, listen, and validate the other’s feelings
Consistently show interest in the other’s experiences, emotions, and interests
Prioritize spending time together and genuinely enjoy being around each other
Benefits of emotional intimacy
Establishing and maintaining emotional intimacy in your relationship can bring many benefits to you and your partner, potentially including the following:
As a couple, you may develop a growing sense of physical and emotional safety as you trust each other to help through the most vulnerable moments.
You may gain confidence in your ability to overcome relationship challenges together. Conflict is often inevitable in a relationship, but if you and your partner have a high level of emotional intimacy, you will likely understand each other well enough to work through problems.
Your relationship can serve as a shield from the harmful effects of loneliness.
Realistic expectations may develop over time, leading to fewer disappointments.
It can be easier to experience spontaneous joy when partaking in emotional intimacy with your partner.
Beyond the romantic aspect of your relationship, you may be friends with your partner.
You likely look forward to speaking to each other and discussing the details of your time apart. Your partner is usually the first person you want to tell when something important happens.
You may entrust your partner with your secrets and keep theirs.
You may regularly show non-intimate love gestures, further strengthening your connection.
Knowing when something is wrong or bothering your partner may be easier.
As a couple, you and your spouse or partner may inspire each other to new heights and offer support.
Identifying a lack of emotional intimacy
Many couples don’t notice the decline in emotional intimacy until the problem becomes significant. It can be easy to fall into a routine and take your partner’s presence and affection for granted, potentially allowing your efforts at emotional intimacy to fall behind other commitments. Successful relationships usually take continual effort, and people often grow apart, creating emotional distance, when they don’t actively work to maintain their connection.
You may notice signs of an emotional intimacy issue in your relationship if you frequently feel lonely and lack support or if you believe that your partner doesn’t care about your innermost feelings. If you find that you and your partner aren’t discussing important events, showing physical affection, or experiencing more conflict, consider taking a break to reflect before discussing your relationship openly to work on building emotional intimacy.
Other types of intimacy in relationships
Intimacy extends beyond just an emotional connection. There are other ways to build a stronger bond through other forms of intimacy. For example, you might build a deep intellectual connection with an individual by bonding over common interests. Other types of intimacy besides emotional intimacy include the following:
Sexual intimacy
This type of intimacy involves sexual activity and sensual stimulation. Also known as physical intimacy, sexual intimacy may be more meaningful with a deep sense of mutual trust between partners. In a marriage, sustaining sexual intimacy may help contribute to overall life satisfaction.
Experiential intimacy
Experiential intimacy might involve common interests and experiences. This type of intimacy can be built through common activities, such as hiking or attending concerts, allowing individuals to explore new facets of their relationship beyond conversation. It strengthens bonds by creating memories that matter, even years down the line.
Intellectual intimacy
Intellectual intimacy is based on deep conversations and discussing ideas that stimulate the mind. This form of intimacy involves a mutual understanding and respect for each other's thoughts and opinions, which can lead to a stronger connection in platonic relationships or with a family member. It encourages partners or friends to express their thoughts freely, without fear of communication problems.
Spiritual intimacy
Spiritual connections involve connecting through beliefs regarding a higher power. This type of intimacy goes beyond just having the same beliefs; it involves supporting each other's spiritual growth and having empathy for the other's spiritual journey. In relationships, it can act as a foundation for managing stress and emotional turmoil, helping partners or family members act based on common values and goals.
Why some people fear emotional intimacy
People may fear or avoid emotional intimacy for many reasons. Previous adverse experiences in relationships can frequently lead to a person fearing rejection and holding themselves back so they won’t be hurt. Some worry that the relationship will consume them, and they may fear losing their identity as the connection strengthens. Others may be afraid they will be abandoned by their partner and avoid giving the relationship the power to hurt them to prevent that potential pain. Mental health conditions, such as avoidant personality disorder, anxiety disorders, and attachment issues, can also lead to a fear of emotional intimacy.
How to improve emotional intimacy with your partner
While the methods likely to be most effective in your relationship can be as individual as the people involved, researchers suggest several ways to create a healthy emotional connection with your partner. If you feel like you’re not on the same wavelength as your partner anymore, you might try some of these methods to improve your emotional intimacy.
Put down your phone
You’re not likely to build emotional intimacy with your partner through your phone. Instead, you might choose to turn off the electronics and focus on your face-to-face connection. Technology can interfere with relations between a couple if one partner feels the other is paying more attention to their phone, a 2016 study found.
“Want to enhance your family life and relationships? Put down your phone! You will be surprised how enriching it can be.”—Dr. Steve Maraboli
Make yourself emotionally available
It can be challenging to expose yourself to potential pain or ridicule by making yourself emotionally available—and therefore vulnerable—in a relationship, particularly after being hurt by someone else. True emotional intimacy typically flows in both directions, and when one partner feels they are doing all the emotional work, problems can arise in the relationship.
Prioritize time with your partner
It can be beneficial to put spending time with your partner at the top of your priority list and follow through with doing it. You might plan a regular date night and rotate picking locations. For example, you could pick up pizza and your partner’s favorite movie for a romantic night in or plan a trip together. You may have countless ways to spend time together, and talking about experiences can bring you closer.
Find a healthy balance between yourself and your role in the relationship
As important as it can be to devote yourself to your relationship, maintaining your individuality can also be crucial. According to a 2016 study, many successful long-term couplings involve partners who have a healthy balance between their own interests, support network, and social circle in addition to what they discuss with their significant other.
More tips to build emotional intimacy
Make a list of fun activities you both enjoy and take time to cross them off together.
Get involved in structured organizations focused on couples.
Speak to a couples counselor to grow with professional guidance.
Finding support for an emotionally intimate relationship
If you're struggling to form or maintain an emotional connection with your partner, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist for support and guidance on building communication skills and learning to connect emotionally.
Whether you are interested in couples therapy to work through issues you and your partner are experiencing or to seek treatment to overcome emotional challenges, assistance is available. Speaking to a licensed therapist online through a virtual provider can offer a convenient method to gain the aid of a professional as you strengthen the emotional intimacy between yourself and your partner.
Couples therapy can help you and your partner identify the issues causing conflict and find healthy ways to communicate your needs and emotions, especially after you both decide to commit to the process. Studies show that online couples therapy tends to be equally as effective as face-to-face therapy, and it often comes at lower costs with greater availability.
Takeaway
What is considered emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is generally considered to be synonymous with non-physical intimacy, or intimacy that does not involve sex. Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love defines intimacy as intense feelings of connectedness and bonding, which strongly represent the concept of emotional intimacy. The triangular theory’s definition of “passion” is closely related to sexual intimacy, which is distinct from the feelings of togetherness generated by emotional intimacy.
Emotional intimacy in a relationship includes deep conversations, exchanging secrets, demonstrating admiration, and supporting a partner through their challenges, as just a few examples. Evidence suggests that a high level of emotional intimacy - which isn’t sexual - promotes strong bonds between partners, increasing relationship satisfaction. Good emotional intimacy is likely also one of the critical factors necessary for a healthy sex life.
How do you show emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy can be shown in several ways. Listening to your partner actively, talking with them openly, trusting them, or showing appreciation are all ways to demonstrate emotional intimacy. You might consider writing them a short note telling them what you find special about them or letting them emotionally lean on you after a hard day at work. You might also consider increasing your own vulnerability. Emotional intimacy means being willing to be vulnerable, and honest self-confession is an important part of an emotionally intimate relationship.
The Gottman Institute, an organization dedicated to studying relationships, recommends building emotional intimacy through intentional practices. As the name suggests, intentional practices are deliberate actions couples undertake to grow emotionally closer, taking time away from a busy life to prioritize intimacy. Intentional practices help couples prevent their emotional intimacy from becoming lost. Mutual meditation is a common intentional practice.
To try it, sit face-to-face with your partner and set a timer, starting at 2 or 3 minutes. Close your eyes and sit together in silence, or use whatever meditation method works best for each of you. When the timer goes off, take turns expressing what the meditation meant to you. As you become more used to meditating together, you can try holding each other's hands or matching each other's breathing to increase intimacy.
What causes emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is a component of love. It is associated with trust and bonding. It is considered essential in romantic relationships, but strong friendships and familial relationships also typically have a deeper connection. It is caused by actions that promote a deep level of trust and connectedness between two individuals.. Any action that makes a partner feel heard, validated, understood, or safe can contribute to emotional intimacy.
How do you know if you have emotional intimacy with someone?
Emotional intimacy is a strong sense of connectedness and a desire to bond. If you long to be close to someone, tell him or her details of your life, or seek their support, you likely feel a strong emotional connection. Emotional intimacy is also closely associated with trust, and if you feel that you can trust the person, you may have formed a foundation for emotional intimacy.
Emotional intimacy creates the basis for strong, equal communication. If you’re wondering if someone feels emotionally connected to you, consider asking them directly. If they trust you and feel they can communicate openly, they will likely tell you so.
Is emotional intimacy cheating?
Although it is commonly thought of in terms of romantic relationships, emotional intimacy is also found in close friendships and family bonds. It is also considered a fundamental component of healthy, loving romantic relationships. Emotional intimacy is not cheating, but some people feel that expressing emotional intimacy with someone who is not your partner is. Becoming emotionally intimate with someone who is not your partner is sometimes called emotional infidelity. It is both controversial and poorly defined.
Emotional infidelity can be defined as engaging in non-sexual behaviors common to romantic relationships with someone who is not your partner. For some, becoming emotionally close to someone is a betrayal akin to sleeping with outside of your relationship. However, as mentioned above, emotional intimacy is common in relationships with friends and family. Defining the difference between a close friend and an emotional affair partner can be challenging, and personal uncertainties can sometimes lead to unhealthy behaviors like ending healthy friendships because the closeness of the friendship makes a romantic partner uncomfortable.
Is emotional intimacy the same as love?
Emotional intimacy by itself is not love, but it is generally considered a component of the love that people feel for friends, family, and romantic partners. Emotional intimacy is not sexual; it is characterized by strong feelings of connectedness and a close bond with another person. It is described as one of the three components of love in Robert Sternberg’s triangular love theory, the others being commitment and passion. Despite appearing in non-romantic relationships, emotional intimacy is commonly associated with romantic love, likely due to the strong relationship between high emotional intimacy and high relationship satisfaction.
Does emotional intimacy lead to love?
Emotional intimacy is commonly considered a component of love but doesn’t always lead to romantic love. Emotional intimacy describes strong bonds based on trust between two people, but it is not necessarily related to being attracted to someone or a desire to enter a romantic relationship with them. Strong, platonic friendships are usually emotionally intimate, and relationships between close individuals in the family are often characterized by emotional intimacy.
When considering romantic relationships, emotional intimacy may not lead to love, but it is likely necessary for it to continue. A high level of emotional intimacy between partners is associated with better problem-solving, better sex, and increased relationship satisfaction overall.
What does lack of emotional intimacy look like?
In a romantic relationship, a lack of emotional intimacy is associated with numerous risks to both partners' satisfaction and the relationship's longevity. Emotional intimacy, in its most basic form, is simply a meaningful connection between partners. When that meaningful connection is absent or damaged, a breakup becomes much more likely.
Emotional intimacy is also associated with factors that safeguard a relationship, such as connectedness, good communication, and a desire to problem-solve. Relationships that lack emotional intimacy often have partners who disregard each other’s feelings, feel angry with each other, rarely communicate well, and don’t trust each other. Trust is likely one of the best predictors of whether emotional intimacy is present in a relationship. When two partners trust each other, giving and receiving emotional intimacy is much easier.
Can you have a relationship without emotional intimacy?
While love can look different for everybody, it is unlikely that most people would consider a romantic relationship without emotional intimacy to be happy or healthy. Emotional intimacy describes the strong mental and emotional bond partners form in healthy relationships. It is not based on physical contact or sex, but high emotional intimacy is correlated with a higher degree of sexual satisfaction in relationships.
When emotional intimacy is absent, partners may find it difficult to communicate well, trust each other, or feel close to each other. Because emotional intimacy is strongly associated with high relationship satisfaction, it is reasonable to assume that an absence of emotional intimacy may lead to lowered satisfaction and happiness in a romantic relationship.
Why is emotional intimacy so hard?
Emotional intimacy is not the same for everybody. Some people find connecting to others and forging close, deep relationships relatively easy, while others see it as an insurmountable challenge. Many factors can affect how a person experiences and expresses emotional intimacy. Genetics may play a role, as may past experiences in relationships.
A person’s attachment style is likely also relevant. Attachment theory states that adult romantic relationships are heavily influenced by the relationship a person had with their parents or caregivers when they were a child. Children with warm, nurturing, and open parents tend to grow into adults with a secure attachment style, meaning they are comfortable with honest, empathetic communication. In contrast, children who were abused, neglected, or did not have their emotional needs met by their parents will likely grow into adults with an insecure attachment style, making emotional intimacy much more difficult.
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