How And Why To Choose Love Every Day

Updated March 2, 2023by BetterHelp Editorial Team
It can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking of love as a powerful emotion over which we have no control. However, even happy couples sometimes have negative feelings toward earth other, due to the small frustrations, disappointments, and hurts of everyday life. Sustaining a relationship in the face of these challenges can require a conscious decision to stick with love. But how can you choose love in the moments when it’s the last thing on your mind?

As with many positive behaviors, the habit of love can be built up through small everyday actions. When you opt for generosity and kindness despite not feeling generous or kind, you could be making that choice a little bit easier the next time. This article will suggest some simple but effective ways to choose love every day.

What Does It Mean To Choose Love?

It can sometimes be hard to see love as a choice because the word “love” can be used in many different ways. Sometimes it simply means a strong preference, such as when we say “I love this band!” Other times, it means the deep affection and care that we feel for families or lifelong friends. Often, it means the dizzying, head-over-heels feeling of attraction that hits us in the early stages of a relationship.
Learn Effective Ways To Choose Love In Your Life

However, “love” can also refer to a pattern of behavior rather than an emotion. It can mean the kind, caring actions we take toward others. Sometimes it means doing things that are difficult or even dangerous to keep the people we care about happy and safe. In this sense, love is a choice we make, rather than something that happens to us. 

Some researchers have defined theories of romantic love that account for these many meanings. For example, the Quadruple Framework identifies attraction as only one of four key ingredients in love. The others are connection, trust, and respect, all of which can be strengthened by loving actions from a partner. 

Choosing love can mean making choices to show that you respect your partner and value your connection. Building trust may mean making those choices again and again until they become second nature. The suggestion below may give you some ideas on how to choose love in your everyday life.

Be Patient

Though you may describe your partner as “perfect for you”, there’s a good chance you don’t love everything about them. Most people have some annoying habits, and since our loved ones are often the people we spend the most time with, we see their flaws on full display.

One simple (though not always easy) way to choose love is to let some of those little annoyances slide. If you’re constantly criticizing your partner, they may feel that you don’t actually like them for who they are. At least one study has shown that hostile criticism can have important negative impacts on relationship satisfaction. When you’re feeling irritated, it may be worth taking abreath, recalling that you love your partner despite their foibles, and holding back your comments.

This doesn’t mean you should be a doormat. Expressing anger when appropriate can be important for the health of relationships. But it might be best to save your criticism for the things that really matter.

Affirm Their Feelings

If respect is a core component of healthy love, dismissing a partner’s feelings can come across as very un-loving. Sometimes, though, we can become fixated on whether the other person is “right” to feel a certain way. This might cause us to turn an opportunity for greater empathy and intimacy into an argument.

When your partner expresses a negative feeling, it may be helpful to remember that emotions can’t be “right” or “wrong.” Their initial reaction is a reality that they’re experiencing, even if they come to agree with you later on. Choosing love can mean acknowledging and validating what they feel instead of immediately going on the defensive. 

Give Them Your Attention

Research on relationship dynamics suggests that early-stage love often has a somewhat obsessive quality. You may think about the other person all the time, plan your week around when you can see them, and have to struggle not to text or call them too much. This urgency often fades as your relationship becomes more stable and your feelings for your partner take on a more comfortable, familiar quality.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it may mean that you have to work harder not to take the person you love for granted. You could make a habit out of small, unexpected gestures of affection that make it clear they’re in your thoughts. You might also want to avoid gluing your eyes to your phone or diving into some other personal activity when the two of you are together. Undivided attention can be a simple but powerful sign of love. 

Learn Their Love Language

The theory of love languages has been talked about so much that it can sound cheesy to some. Still, the basic concept that different people have different ways of expressing and receiving love has received support from psychological research. For example, you might feel more loved when your partner does small things to make your life easier, but they might feel more loved when you give them compliments. A 2022 study found that relationship satisfaction is greater among couples who learn and adopt each others’ love languages.

If you don’t know the love language of the person you’re with, they’ll probably be happy to tell you. You may also be able to get a hint by paying attention to how they act toward you. For example, if they tend to hug you, kiss you, and stroke your hair when they’re feeling affectionate, there’s a good chance that “physical touch” is a big love language for them. 

It may not feel natural for you to express love their way. But getting out of your comfort zone for your partner’s sake can be an important way to choose love. 

Support Their Passions

It can be healthy in a relationship for both people to have some interests of their own. This may give you both some time to yourselves so you don’t feel stifled. That said, it can be very discouraging when a partner seems to take no interest at all in the things that you care about. 

When you’re in love with a person who has a passion that you don’t have, you can choose love by taking an interest in it anyway. That doesn’t necessarily mean it has to become your favorite thing. However, making the effort to learn a bit about it may bring your partner a lot of happiness. 

If they’re taking part in a competition or putting on a show, maybe you can show up and cheer them on. If they make art, maybe you can display it in your workspace. Even if it’s not your cup of tea, it may mean a lot to the person you love. 

Learn Effective Ways To Choose Love In Your Life

Try To See Them In The Best Light Possible

Most people have some qualities that are less than ideal, even those we love dearly. Being in love doesn’t necessarily mean ignoring everything that’s wrong with the other person. However, it might mean making an effort to see the good in them.

Some researchers have found that the most successful relationships are the ones in which people view their partners more positively than their partners view themselves. Though this might sound like self-deception, there’s evidence that it can genuinely improve mutual happiness over time. Choosing love could mean giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and looking harder for their good qualities than their bad ones.

You Can Choose Love In Any Relationship

The advice above has focused a lot on romantic partners, but it can apply equally well to other types of emotional connections. You can choose love with your family and friends as well. Even people who don’t feel romantic or physical attraction can still give and receive love in many of the ways we’ve described.

Relationship Counseling May Help You Choose Love

If you’re finding it challenging to express love in your life, you might want to consider working with a therapist. Sometimes a person outside of the relationship can have an easier time spotting the ways that your communications are breaking down. 

Online counseling might be a good choice for those who need urgent relationship help or find it difficult to make time for therapy. Web-based platforms often speed up the process of finding a therapist and make scheduling easier.

Therapy delivered over the internet has been shown to be equally effective as traditional couples’ counseling. A study published in 2020 concluded that most participants who tried web-based therapy “found the videoconferencing experience to be beneficial and positive.” Some reported that the online format enhanced their sense of control and comfort, making it easier to connect with their therapist. BetterHelp can assist you in locating and talking with a licensed counselor to help you make more loving choices in your relationships.


You may find that your relationships are healthier if you think of love as something you do, not something that happens to you. Seemingly small choices like paying attention to your partner, validating their feelings, and taking an interest in the things they care about may help you build a flourishing romance. Choosing love every day can be the key to keeping it alive.

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