5 Ways to Overcome Love Scars
Medically Reviewed By Laura Angers, NCC, LPCThe emotional scars that come from failed relationships can often be just as devastating and last just as long as physical scars. Sometimes when a relationship fails, or you find yourself in a bad relationship, it can seem as though the scars will never heal. But, there is hope that you can overcome those love scars and be much happier, even finding a healthy love in the future.
Love scars can run very deep. Often people with the deepest scars carry them from one relationship to another, simply adding layers of emotional pain to the point where it can seem unbearable. The only way to move forward and form healthy relationships is to overcome the pain and find peace within yourself. Only then will you be able to find a healthy love and erase the scars that came from past relationships.
There are many ways that you can overcome love scars. Of course, nothing will completely erase the pain you feel over a failed relationship. In fact, it is a good thing to remember past mistakes and past loves, because it can help you learn from it and not repeat the same patterns. But the key to living a healthy and happy life is not to allow those scars to dictate how you form relationships in the future, or worse, to prevent you from forming relationships at all.
Examine Your Relationships
As painful as it may be, one of the best ways to overcome love scars is to examine your past relationships thoroughly. Only by picking apart the relationships you have had and the people you have had them with will you be able to understand what went wrongfully. Sometimes just understanding what happened and how to avoid it in the future can put you well on the path to healing.
When you are examining your past relationships, you should think about the situation from all sides. Examine your feelings within the relationship and after the breakup. Examine what the other person may have been feeling, and their behavior. Think about your behavior and reactions, and how that might have contributed to the problem.
It can be very helpful through this process to talk to close friends and family who witnessed your relationship. Often people outside of the situation see things differently than you will see them. Especially when you are in the midst of the relationship, you may not see how the relationship was hurting you. You know that you have scars from it now that it's over but may not fully understand how those scars came to be. Getting the input from others who witnessed the relationship can give you valuable insight.
If you have had several failed relationships that have ended in similar ways, it can be very helpful to examine all of your relationships rather than just the most recent. When you take a close look at your past relationships, you will begin to discover harmful patterns in either your behavior and choices or the type of people that you have been in relationships with. Knowing the challenges and patterns that repeat themselves in your relationships can not only help you overcome the pain, it can also help you better understand how to have a successful relationship in the future and continue to improve your love life.
When you first begin the process of examining your past relationships, you may feel that the pain is too great to dwell on the situation. It can be helpful to go through this process with the help of a trusted friend or family member, or a therapist. There are also a lot of great books on the subject that can help you pinpoint the reason for failed relationships, or sometimes listening to certain music songs with lyrics based on what you’re going through can help. These lyrics in a song may help you cope with what you’re going through. You can search for songs to find music that is relevant to what you’re experiencing. Then you can select and save a link to at least two songs that make you feel content during dark times. Often just knowing the reason behind why things happened the way they did can help you heal the scars.
Put The Blame Where It Belongs
It is true that relationships are a two-way street, or they should be. However, it is also true that many relationships fail because one person is mistreated in some way. If you were mistreated, this could lead to some very deep scars from which it can be very hard to heal.
Whether your relationship ended because your partner cheated on you, or you were emotionally or physically abused, it is important that you place the blame where it belongs. Often people who went through emotional or physical abuse blame themselves. They wonder what they did wrong to deserve being treated the way they were treated. They think that they must have done something wrong.
The fact of the matter is that if you were in a relationship where you were emotionally or physically abused if your partner cheated on you, or if your partner broke it off for seemingly no reason, you are not to blame.
When you blame yourself for the behavior and choices of others, it is impossible to heal from the scars left behind by those choices. You begin to live in constant doubt of yourself, and you begin to feel as though you can't do anything right. You fear to be in new relationships and worry that you will always be either alone or screwing up in another relationship. The only way to heal and move forward is to know and recognize where the blame truly lies.
Of course, sometimes relationships end, and there was something you maybe should have done differently. Examine your relationship carefully and determine if perhaps you did do something wrong. Maybe you were the one who cheated, or maybe you were verbally abusive to your partner. If this is the case, recognize and acknowledge the mistakes that you made and why they were wrong. Only in doing so can you move forward and avoid those things in future relationships.
Discover Self-Love
Often when a relationship goes bad or ends abruptly, you will take a hit to your self-esteem. You begin to doubt everything about yourself. You wonder why you are not loveable, or you think that you must have been a horrible person for it not to work. You may come to believe that everything is your fault and that you are unworthy of love in potential future relationships.
The scars from your past can render you completely paralyzed. You could find that you are not taking care of yourself as you should. You may start letting hygiene go, or you may stop eating properly. The end of a relationship can make you feel like you're at the bottom of the barrel, and that you are not worthy of coming to the top.
The best thing you can do in these situations is to learn to love yourself. When you love yourself, you will feel much better about the present and the future. You will be able to better take care of yourself, and you will begin to heal yourself from the bad relationship.
Learning self-love can be difficult, especially if you have always suffered from poor self-esteem. It can take a long journey of self-discovery to identify the best things about yourself and bring them into the light. Journaling is a great way to go on this path to self-discovery and self-love. You can also seek help from a therapist to get more support on your path to self-love and learn useful information on how to implement it into your daily life.
Practicing self-love is easy, but it can take time to build new habits and take care of yourself. A good way to start is to make sure that you are doing things for yourself daily that you need to do, such as taking a shower, brushing your hair, brushing your teeth, and getting enough sleep. You should also be making time to do things to replenish yourself, whether that be meditation, time out in nature, listening to a song while viewing the music lyrics, or take a bubble bath. Just select at least one thing each day that is just about pampering yourself for a short time.
Self-love is about treating yourself the way you would treat someone else that you loved. As you are going throughout your day, think about what you would do for a partner if you were in a relationship. Do those things for yourself. You will soon begin to recognize the importance of self-love, and the act of loving yourself alone will heal your love scars considerably.
Set Boundaries
As you heal from your love scars, you'll need to set boundaries with those around you, as well as any potential future relationship that you might have. Setting boundaries will not only give you time to heal, but it will also set you up for future success and safety in relationships.
Setting boundaries with those around you, such as friends and family, can help give you the time you need to heal. Let them know what is acceptable and what is not. For example, you don't need to be constantly reminded of the past. Let your friends and family know that you don't want to talk about the ended relationship. Tell them not to keep you updated on your former partner's movements.
An important part of the healing process is to set boundaries for yourself and your future relationships. Examine carefully what you need and want from a relationship. Go on a journey of self-discovery and figure out what you want and need from life in general. Once you know what you want and set boundaries to get it and avoid the things you don't want, you'll be much more likely to heal from your scars and find new, healthier relationships.
Move Forward
The best thing you can do to heal from love scars is to move forward with your life. This does not necessarily mean that you jump right into another relationship. Rather, you want to move forward in independence and hope that you'll find the love that you're looking for.
Data shows, one of the best ways that you can move forward is to visit with a therapist or licensed counselor for their therapy services. They can help you work past the issues you have because of your failed relationship and identify patterns in your relationships that you can learn to avoid to enhance future relationships.
Therapists can also help you learn and gain your independence outside of a relationship so that you can move forward with your life without the hinderances of love. Online therapy is a great tool where a licensed therapist can provide you with therapy services to develop stronger relationship skills and understand how you give and receive love so you can deliver as a better partner in your relationship. At BetterHelp a licensed therapist can deliver therapy services based on the information you give them. You can even fill out a questionnaire, and based on this data and information, the therapy website services will select a therapist that bests suits your individual needs.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Can people fall back in love?
Love can be a confusing emotion for many of us. When the person you love is no longer a part of your life -- you may find yourself missing them from time-to-time. While it's possible for people to fall back in love, it's normally the exception -- and not the rule.
How do I know if I'm in love?
When you feel like you want to make a long-term or permanent commitment to your current love interest, this is usually a sign of being in love. People with scars may feel like they are in love more often if they haven't healed the wounds and the scars left from previous relationships.
How do I stop thinking about someone?
The best way to stop thinking about someone is to find an activity that you enjoy and spend time getting back in touch with yourself. This could be by listening to a song you relate to, or doing something you enjoy. A good way to get in touch with your true self and desires is by taking part in self-care routines to restore physical wellness and get mental health relief by talking to a licensed psychotherapist or counselor.
What are the signs when a relationship is over?
When you and your partner no longer find each other attractive, want to spend time together, and start to imagine yourself outside of the relationship -- this is a sign the relationship is heading for a breakup. At this point, interventions like couples counseling or marriage therapy has been shown to help save the relationship, if both partners want to.
How can I bring the spark back?
Talk to a licensed relationship expert to learn new and creative ways to put the spark back in your marriage or intimate relationship. A therapist can teach you how to "love my scars" which helps you keep from making the same mistakes in your relationships. You may look back on your relationship with the knowledge you’ve learned and realize you’ve come a long way due to the effectiveness of therapy.
Can love fade away and come back?
While you can’t measure love, it’s possible for people to grow apart as responsibilities, career paths, and interests change. Taking time out to address these issues with the help of a licensed relationship expert can help you learn to bring back the spark in your love relationships and become more content.
What is the sign of true love?
While you cannot measure true love, many people believe true love is finding the one who will love me and "love my scars." While unconditional love is often a component of true love, this isn't the only characteristic that everyone uses to define their own "true love." Finding true love is different for everyone.
Can you love two people at once?
There has been some debate about whether it is possible to love two people at once. If you have questions about loving more than one person at a time, the best place to get sound advice -- is from a licensed relationship professional like a counselor or therapist.
How do you know if someone is your soulmate?
People who believe in "soulmates" believe there is one person out there who matches them perfectly, however, there is no concrete evidence or knowledge this is true. "True love" and soulmates are idealized forms of love based on an idea. To learn more about soulmate and true love relationships -- speak with a relationship expert.
What causes love to fade?
The passage of time and changing needs or desires are some things that can cause love to fade. If you feel your love is fading and you're looking for new ways to reconnect with your partner, a relationship therapist can help.
Can you really just stop loving someone?
Falling out of love with someone usually happens over a period of time. Most of us don't just fall in and out of love overnight. A buildup of small issues and unresolved needs often contribute to people falling out of love. If you want to learn more signs and symptoms of falling out of love -- chat with an expert.
How do you revive love in a relationship?
Learning how to love your partner again as your needs begin to change is no easy task -- but it can be done. Taking the time to talk to your partner about how they feel and how their needs have changed can give you both a new perspective on your relationship that can help revive lost love.
What to do when the spark is gone in your relationship?
If the spark is gone in your relationship and you want to fix it, start by being honest with yourself. Are there any improvements that you can make related to your communication styles and behavior that can help your relationship improve? Talk to a relationship therapist to get insight into how your behaviors are affecting your relationships.
How do you save a struggling relationship?
The first step to saving a struggling relationship -- is to admit you have a problem. Pretending like things are perfect in your relationship (when they aren't) can cause more damage to an already struggling relationship. Get help from a relationship expert to learn how to fix broken love relationships.
How do you rebuild a broken relationship?
The best way to begin to rebuild a broken relationship is, to be honest with yourself about how you got to the point of being broken. Talk to a relationship expert like one of the therapists at BetterHelp.com that can guide you through healing your broken relationships.
What are the 5 stages of breakup?
The 5 stages of a breakup are 1. Shock 2. Denial 3. Anger 4. Emotional 5. Acceptance. As people go through the various stages of a breakup, they eventually find closure in ending the relationship. Data shows some people progress more rapidly through these phases than others.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is one where one or both people in a relationship take part in negative behaviors that poison the relationship. You may feel as though your relationship or your partner is a fraud. Examples of toxic behavior are lying, cheating, manipulation, gaslighting, and similar behaviors.
When should you give up on a relationship?
If your relationship is toxic or abusive, you may need to consider ending the relationship. Relationships that fall into these categories rarely end well. There is a potential for violence and serious mental trauma in an abusive or toxic relationship. If you need help leaving an abusive or toxic relationship start by contacting a professional at the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
What is an obsessed person?
A person who is obsessed is plagued by unwanted thoughts and behaviors of a person or situation over which they have no control. An obsessed person may go to great lengths to attempt to control the thoughts and behaviors of the object of their obsession. For example, a person may be obsessed with a certain song and listen to the same song they recorded over and over again.
How do you make someone think about you?
Trying to make someone think about you isn't always the best idea. Becoming a person who is genuine, engaging, and interesting will keep people interested in you -- in a positive way.
How do you know someone is thinking about you?
When someone is thinking about you in a positive way, they'll usually let you know it. A phone call, a text, or online chat is an easy way for someone to let you know they're thinking about you.
How do you know the spark is gone?
When both partners lose interest in participating in or saving the relationship, this is a sign that the spark may be gone. Talk to a relationship therapist if you're having trouble coping with the ending of a relationship or to get couples counseling or therapy.
Do relationships change feelings?
People who have unhealed relationship scars or a dark past may carry those scars and the associated behaviors into new relationships. Talking to a therapist or relationship expert can help you learn to cope and heal scars so you can have better relationships going forward.
What is love biologically?
Biologically, love is an emotion that is the result of the chemicals in the brain associated with attachment activating. Bonding hormones like oxytocin play a large role in attraction and attachment that leads to loving and committed relationships.
