Do marriage counselors ever suggest divorce?

If you have concerns about your marriage, you may be considering marriage counseling. Still, you might be worried about reaching out to a marriage counselor. This could be due to the fear of what you may find when you and your partner take an in-depth look at your relationship. You may fear that your relationship is broken beyond repair. Perhaps you’re worried that engaging in couples therapy might make things worse. Ultimately, you may wonder whether marriage counselors ever recommend that two people start the divorce process.

Nervousness or anxiety about initiating the therapy process is normal. Before you get started, it can help to better understand the process of marriage counseling. This article will discuss what to expect if you reach out to a marriage and family therapist for support with your relationship. 

What is marriage counseling?

Marriage counseling, also referred to as relationship counseling or couples counseling, is a cooperative effort between you, your partner, and your marriage counselor. Marriage counselors are typically trained and certified marriage and family therapists with experience helping couples identify concerns within their relationships. They may also help the couple develop strategies to address those concerns.

Issues which marriage counselors can help:

• Improving overall communication skills
• Helping partners better understand each other
• Developing healthier conflict resolution skills
• Identifying problematic areas of the relationship
• Addressing and resolving financial disputes 
• Building trust, or re-building trust after infidelity
• Discussing differences of opinion when it comes to parenting 
• Addressing concerns related to sex or intimacy
• Rekindling the “spark”

None of those concerns include recommending that a couple initiate the divorce process. 

What does marriage counseling look like?

If you are worried that a marriage counselor might suggest that it would be best for you and your partner to divorce, it might help to understand what a typical marriage counseling process looks like. You may have expectations of marriage counseling that may or may not be accurate. 

For example, people may expect that marriage counseling involves both partners being present for sessions, but this is not always the case. Most family therapists might agree that it is helpful for them to meet regularly with both partners to observe relationship dynamics. However, it can sometimes also be beneficial for the therapist to sit down with each member of the couple separately and hear their individual concerns. This could help them better understand the relationship in its entirety. 

Initiating marriage counseling

The initial few marriage counseling sessions may focus on the therapist getting to know you and your partner better and developing a trusting relationship with both of you. You might have a conversation about the policies and procedures associated with marriage counseling, including a discussion of ethics. The marriage counselor may explain their commitment to respect both of your opinions and needs, even when those opinions and needs may be in direct conflict. 

Your therapist may then seek to understand your relationship better. They may ask a series of questions about how the relationship began and how it has proceeded up until this point. This can give the therapist an idea of your overall relationship arc. They may talk with both of you together or separately to discover the core concerns within the relationship and any specific areas that could be improved.

Continuing the marriage counseling process

If you and your partner are both feeling comfortable after your first few meetings with your prospective marriage therapist, then couples counseling may proceed. At this point, your marriage counselor may take a deeper dive into your relationship. Through regular meetings with your therapist, you may begin to identify goals and objectives for the relationship as well as tangible steps the two of you can take to achieve these goals. 

Your counselor may also start assigning you and your spouse “homework” exercises. You may be surprised to learn that many components of marriage therapy involve small steps you and your partner can take during your everyday interactions with each other, not in sessions with the counselor. These “homework” activities may include:

• Recognizing the little things your partner does for you throughout the day (e.g., taking your dishes to the sink while cleaning up after dinner) and thanking them for their efforts
• Taking a pause before reacting to a frustrating aspect of your partner’s behavior
• Finding ways to intentionally touch your partner, even if it is just a brief hand-hold
• Creating time for activities for just the two of you, such as watching a movie together or having a date night
• Learning when an argument is indicative of a larger relationship concern and potentially waiting to discuss that concern until the next couples therapy session

Implementing these small changes in your lives together may build upon any progress made in marriage counseling. In this way, marriage counseling could decrease your likelihood of divorce or separation. One 2011 study demonstrated that 70% of couples who made these kinds of behavioral changes in their relationship reported higher levels of marital satisfaction. (Note: while this study is from 2011, science and research are constantly evolving, so older sources may contain information on theories that have been reevaluated since their original publication date.) 

Finding support for relationship concerns

When you are experiencing strife within your marriage, you may believe there’s no way out. But sometimes, hearing an outside perspective on the concerns you’re experiencing may be helpful. If you and your spouse are considering marriage counseling, you might want to explore online therapy options. Online therapy can be a particularly convenient choice for couples with busy schedules, including those whose work schedules may conflict with each other. With online therapy, spouses don’t need to be in the same room or even in the same city. Instead, you and your partner can meet with your therapist from anywhere you have access to an internet connection and on a timeframe that works best for you. 

One recent study found that couples therapy delivered online had a similar level of efficacy as compared to traditional in-person couples therapy. Some couples report that the online environment works better since it allows them to minimize distractions and focus on the therapist’s advice and techniques.