How To Make Your Marriage A Dream Marriage

Everyone may have their own idea of what a dream marriage looks like. For example, many people dream of beautiful flowers, a beautiful gown, tailored suits, and enchanting music at their wedding. Paired with a magical moment of saying "I do," weddings can be meaningful events in an individual's life. 

However, finding out how to create the "dream marriage" or understanding what it means to you can be challenging once the wedding is over and you're married to your partner. Many married couples may struggle to know how to proceed if a conflict occurs. Understanding what psychologists have to say about making a marriage healthy may help you as you aim to have the marriage of your dreams.

What makes a marriage a dream?

Many people wonder what makes a marriage a "dream." However, that is often quite subjective. Some married people like to be together all the time, whereas others prefer spending their time apart. Some married couples dream of a life with many children or a house full of pets. Others imagine life on the go full of travel and adventure. 

While the specifics of a dream marriage may be individual, many of those who get married envision a life together that includes more happiness than sorrow, more contentment than resentment, more peace than discord, more prosperity than failure, and more health than sickness. While there are various ways to achieve this dream, many experts agree on a few ways to keep a marriage heading in a positive direction.  

Communication in a marriage 

Embracing diplomacy 

According to Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, a professor and chair of the Counseling and Higher Education Department of Northern Illinois University, diplomacy is not only involved in international relations. Learning to give and take may be integral to creating open communication. Try not to approach conversations or communication with your mind made up and no room for change, as doing so could shut off your ability to listen and be empathetic. 

Avoiding interruption 

When discussing a complex subject, couples may often interrupt each other or struggle to stop and listen. Poor listening behavior like this may lead to lower-quality communication. Instead, wait for your partner to speak and respond to understand instead of to make your point or be heard. Once your partner's concerns are heard, you may have a chance to let them know how you feel. 

Using "I" statements 

Focus on how you feel rather than what you perceive your partner is doing wrong. For example, if you feel left out when your partner spends time with their friends, you could say, "I feel lonely when I'm home alone, and I miss you. Would you want to schedule a date for next week so we can be closer?" This statement may be taken better than a statement like, "You always go out with your friends and abandon me at home." 

Think about the "we" 

Dr. Degges-White also suggests using collaborative language to show your partner you recognize that you are a team. For example, if you're struggling to come to an agreement, you might say, "I am noticing that we're struggling to agree. Let's take a break to return to this with a fresh mindset later." 

Setting reasonable expectations in a marriage 

Some researchers and psychologists assert that spouses with low expectations of their partner and marriage are happier because they are not as often disappointed when challenges occur. Other experts assert that setting lofty goals and ideals for your partner and your life together may help you move in a higher direction, leading to more profound satisfaction. 

According to a 2016 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, the answer lies somewhere in between. Researchers from the study conclude that married people should be careful to set expectations that directly relate to their ability to meet them. This research observed newlywed couples for four years. The study found that couples in marriages with low levels of destructive behavior thrived on elevated standards and expectations.

Couples with more severe problems and destructive behaviors found that high expectations caused lower marriage satisfaction. Couples with higher levels of destructive behaviors but low expectations reported being as satisfied as healthier couples with low expectations. The result showcases that achieving a dream marriage may involve ensuring your dream matches your ability to reach it.

Achieving the magic number

Researchers at the University of Washington found a "magic ratio" between positive and negative interactions in married couples: 5:1. The study states that for every negative interaction, a partnership needs at least five positive ones. If the ratio dips below this for too long, the research shows the relationship could be headed for divorce. The researchers in this study were more than 90% effective when using this method to predict divorce.

According to the research, positive and negative interactions are related to how you communicate during conflict. They also found that the nature of the negative interaction had a significant impact. For example, showing anger wasn't as harmful as behavior that showed criticism, contempt, or defensiveness.

Partners can have an argument or tense conversation, but tempering a negative moment like raising your voice with positive ones like taking your partner's hand, making a joke (not at their expense), or showing that you understand and care about their perspective, can help create a more positive environment. 

Below are eight points to consider when in conflict with your spouse: 

• Act Interested: Listen when your partner talks. Ask open-ended questions and make eye contact.
• Express Affection: Hold hands, kiss, and express genuine kind words during and outside conflict.
• Demonstrate They Matter: Bring up a topic you know is essential to your partner, even if it isn't for you. Show kindness and support if your partner is having a tough day. 
• Use Intentional Appreciation: Intentionally focus on the positives of your marriage and verbalize your thoughts about your partner's positive traits and the aspects you love in your marriage. 
• Find Opportunities For Agreement: Finding ways to agree may help your spouse feel validated and encourage further positivity.
• Empathize And Apologize: Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Acknowledge and validate their feelings. You can say, "I see that you feel frustrated," or "I understand why that would make you angry." If you made a mistake, apologize. 
• Make Kind Jokes: Playfulness and laughter can diffuse tension. However, respect your partner when joking; if they're uncomfortable, stop joking. 

Knowing when to seek support 

Challenges may occur despite the steps partners take individually and together to make a marriage a happy and healthy union. Circumstances beyond your control can put stress on yourself and your marriage. Knowing when to ask for professional help can be the difference between ongoing conflict and achieving the marriage of your dreams. 

Therapists have learned more about what causes marriages to fail, and new, more effective tactics to prevent these behaviors have been developed. It isn't too late to reach out for support, and there are multiple ways to partake in couples therapy. 

One way to find a qualified professional to help you keep your dream marriage alive is online couples therapy. Through an online platform like BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples, you can attend sessions via video, phone, or live chat. Sessions can be timed to match your schedule and can take place anywhere you have an internet connection and an electronic device.

Studies have also backed up the effectiveness of online couples therapy. One study showcases that online couples therapy improves marital satisfaction, quality of life, and the mental health of both partners and can be as effective as in-person options. If you're seeking support with your marriage, you're not alone, and many forms of online therapy can help you achieve your goals.