Marriage Advice To Cherish, To File Away, And To Ignore
If you’re soon getting married or have recently gotten married, you’ve likely received many pieces of advice from well-meaning family and friends. Some of this advice may be helpful, while other concepts may not apply to your relationship, and still others may do more harm than good. While common adages like, “Never go to bed angry,” may often be helpful, it may not always be true that you need a prenup or that you’re “marrying the family” and not just your spouse. In addition, the advice to always put everything in your own name and that you must become close with your spouse’s friends may not be necessary or wise. If you’re seeking more professional, research-backed marriage advice, you might consider couples therapy. You can attend sessions in person or through an online therapy platform.
Marriage advice to cherish: Never go to bed angry
Marriage advice to cherish can include helpful nuggets of wisdom that you may wish to follow in your relationship. Although there can be exceptions to this type of marriage advice, it often holds true.
You've probably heard this mantra before or even seen it embroidered on throw pillows. When you announce your engagement, you'll probably hear it again. Despite how often you've encountered the phrase, “Never go to bed angry,” it could be worth listening to in many cases. Some studies show that sleeping can consolidate negative memories and make them harder to reverse.
The sentiment can be simple: If you're fighting, try to come to an understanding before you go to sleep. That doesn't necessarily mean that you must fully solve your problem before bed. If you can, that can be great, but sometimes it might not happen. Staying up to try to solve a complex problem could leave you losing sleep and becoming more irritable as you become more tired, potentially worsening the problem.
When that's the case, you can agree to pick up the discussion some other time when you aren't so tired. You might say that you love each other, and then go to sleep. The problem will likely still be there in the morning, but if you make peace before you go to sleep, you're likely to sleep better and wake up in a mood that is more conducive to constructive problem-solving.
Marriage advice to file away
Although much of the marriage advice you receive may come from a place of love and good intentions, some pieces of advice may not apply to you. You might consider filing away the following pieces of advice for further consideration.
Sign a prenup
"Prenup" is generally short for "prenuptial agreement," a legal document in which you and your fiancé typically agree on how you will handle a divorce in the future, should you decide to get one. Some people don't like the idea of prenups because they feel that they require the assumption that the marriage is going to fail. Others argue that having something written ahead of time can save a lot of bad blood if you do ever get a divorce.
In many cases, prenups tend to be more valuable for people who have more assets, partially because this usually makes a divorce more legally complex. If you lead a simpler life, a prenup might not save you as much time and energy. As a result, whether a prenup is right for you generally depends on your attitude toward them and your financial situation.
You marry the family
A common cautionary phrase can be, "You marry the family." This usually suggests that when you marry someone, you also marry all their family's problems. On the other side of the equation, you may also be marrying all their benefits, such as social support.
This idea may or may not apply to you. It may depend on how close your partner is with their family and how their family operates. Some families can be very intimate, and you may find that your problems and their problems remain quite separate. In some cases, your partner may not be very close to the family, or they may not have much family. It may be best to sit down with your fiancé and decide together what roles both of you want your respective families to play in your married life.
Marriage advice to ignore
Sometimes, you may hear marriage "advice" that isn't meant to help you so much as defend or vindicate someone who has had a bad experience with marriage. It could also be that the people giving this advice believe what they’re saying and have positive intentions, but the message simply isn’t helpful or doesn’t apply to your situation. This is general advice that you don't need to carry with you and may ignore altogether.
Look at the mother/father
One common lamentation can be some form of the concept, "Look at the mother." This can imply that every woman in a married relationship behaves as her mother does. The same is sometimes said of men in married relationships.
While we may often pick up social cues from our parents, we can be just as likely to do so in an inverse fashion. Sometimes, we may see the things that our parents do, decide that they are normal or good, and adopt those behaviors. Other times, we might see things that our parents do and decide that those behaviors are not good. In these cases, we might refuse to adopt them or even adopt opposite behaviors. Other times, we may adopt a combination of these approaches. We may like something that our parents did but decide that it isn't appropriate in our situation, for example.
Many mental health conditions, like anxiety and depression, can run in families, so if your fiancé's direct relatives have a mental health condition, there may be some possibility that they will develop it, too, although there is no guarantee, and environmental factors can play as large a role as biological factors.
Vetting those we love based on how likely they are to develop certain traits might not be the healthiest approach. Ideally, the person that you marry should usually be someone you are willing to love and support regardless of challenges that may or may not develop in the future.
Put everything in your name
"Put everything in your name" can be a method of getting around a prenup. The idea is usually that if you make all the payments on the house, the car, the utilities, insurance accounts, etc., you may "hold all the cards" if your relationship ends. The other person will likely be more dependent on you, and (as the theory generally goes) you may get everything if you divorce.
This advice may not be legitimate, though. Legally, having payments in your name doesn't necessarily mean that you'll get everything in the event of a divorce. Further, if you’re thinking defensively about a divorce, it could be easier and fairer to go with a prenup.
In addition, insisting on having all the responsibilities as a type of power move may be a form of emotional abuse*. It may not defend you in the event of separation so much as it could make the separation more likely. If you both own everything, you can have equal responsibilities and benefits. This can lead to a more transparent, trusting, and strong relationship.
*If you or a loved one is witnessing or experiencing any form of abuse, please know that help is available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline anytime at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Learn to like their friends
There's typically nothing wrong with liking your fiancé's friends. However, the idea that you must like them to make things work might not be relevant. You're likely marrying your partner because you want to spend your life with them, but it can be healthy for the two of you to spend time alone and with friends (mutual and otherwise).
When advice isn't enough
Benefits of online therapy
Some couples feel hesitant to speak to a therapist about their marital problems. A clinical environment like a therapist’s office might make doing so even more uncomfortable. Many couples prefer online therapy because they can discuss their relationship problems from the comfort of their home. It could also be more convenient to attend sessions online, especially if you’re having to work around two people’s busy schedules. Appointments for internet-based therapy are often available outside of normal business hours.
Studies show that web-based therapy can be just as effective or even more effective than in-person therapy for some people. One recent study demonstrated similar outcomes for couples undergoing online counseling via video conferencing when compared to more traditional in-person counseling. Both groups generally showed improvements in the areas of mental health, relationship satisfaction, and therapeutic alliance.
Takeaway
What is the best marriage advice?
Marriage advice is highly personal and can vary from one couple to another based on their unique circumstances and needs. However, some universally applicable advice for building a strong and healthy marriage includes:
- Effective Communication: Open and honest communication may be the foundation of a successful marriage. Take time to listen to each other, express your thoughts and feelings, and work together to find solutions to challenges.
- Quality Time: Making an effort to spend quality time together, whether it's through date nights, common hobbies, or simply talking and connecting on a regular basis may help to make a marriage successful.
- Respect and Empathy: Treat each other with respect, kindness, and empathy. Understand that both partners have their own feelings, needs, and perspectives.
- Mutual Values and Goals: Ensure that you and your partner have core values and long-term goals. Discuss your aspirations and work together to achieve them.
- Conflict Resolution: Learn healthy conflict resolution skills. Disagreements are a normal part of any relationship, but it's important to address them constructively and with mutual respect.
- Support Each Other: Be each other's biggest cheerleaders. Support your partner's goals and dreams, and be there for them in times of need.
- Intimacy: Physical and emotional intimacy are essential. Nurture your emotional connection and maintain a healthy and loving physical relationship.
- Forgiveness: Learn to forgive and let go of past mistakes and grievances. Holding onto grudges can harm a marriage.
- Quality Over Quantity: It's not about the amount of time you spend together but the quality of that time. Be present and fully engaged when you're with your partner.
- Seek Help When Needed: If you're facing significant challenges or struggling to resolve issues, consider seeking professional help through marriage counseling or therapy.
What are the 4 things for a good marriage?
A successful and fulfilling marriage is built on a foundation of various elements, but there are four fundamental aspects that are often considered essential for a good marriage:
- Communication: Effective and open communication is the cornerstone of a healthy marriage. Partners should feel comfortable discussing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns with each other. Listening attentively and empathetically is just as important as expressing oneself. Clear and respectful communication helps couples understand each other better and resolve conflicts.
- Trust: Trust is vital in a marriage. Partners must have confidence in each other's reliability, integrity, and commitment to the relationship. Building and maintaining trust requires honesty, consistency, and dependability.
- Respect: Mutual respect is crucial in a good marriage. Partners should honor each other's individuality, values, and boundaries. Respect involves treating each other with kindness, empathy, and consideration. It also means valuing each other's opinions and needs.
- Intimacy: Intimacy in a marriage encompasses both physical and emotional aspects. Couples should nurture their emotional connection through mutual experiences, conversations, and support for one another. Physical intimacy is also essential for many couples, as it fosters closeness and affection.
While these four elements are fundamental to a good marriage, it's important to recognize that every relationship is unique, and additional factors, such as common values, goals, and interests, also play significant roles. Successful marriages require ongoing effort, adaptation, and a commitment to nurturing the bond between partners.
What should I do to prepare for my marriage?
Preparing for marriage is an important and thoughtful process that involves both practical and emotional considerations. Here are some steps to help you prepare for a successful marriage:
- Open Communication: Engage in open, honest, and meaningful conversations with your partner about your values, goals, and expectations. Discuss your individual and mutual aspirations, family dynamics, and any potential concerns.
- Pre-Marital Counseling: Consider pre-marital counseling with a qualified therapist or counselor. This can help you and your partner work through potential issues and improve your communication and conflict-resolution skills.
- Financial Planning: Discuss your financial situation, including your income, debt, savings, and financial goals. Create a budget and agree on how you'll manage your finances as a couple.
- Legal and Practical Matters: Understand the legal and practical aspects of marriage, including marriage licenses, name changes (if applicable), and any prenuptial agreements. Consider legal and estate planning, such as wills and powers of attorney.
- Family and Friends: Discuss how you will navigate your relationships with family and friends as a married couple. Ensure that both partners are comfortable with the level of involvement and boundaries you establish.
- Common Living Arrangements: If you haven't already, you may consider living together before marriage to understand each other's living habits and preferences.
- Conflict Resolution: Learn effective conflict resolution skills. Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, and knowing how to address them constructively is important.
What is most important in a marriage?
The most important aspect of a successful marriage is often the quality of the relationship itself. It's the emotional connection, trust, and mutual respect between partners that form the foundation of a strong marriage. Effective communication may be important, allowing couples to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns openly and honestly. Moreover, maintaining a sense of individual identity and fostering your own hobbies and interests while nurturing the partnership is crucial. A good marriage is one in which both partners feel valued, heard, and supported, and where they work together to overcome challenges and grow together, both as individuals and as a couple.
What advice would you give to newlyweds?
Every marriage is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach or best advice that will work for all couples. Strategies that work for one couple may not work for others. In terms of advice for newlyweds, here are some strategies that may help you get off on the right foot:
- Open Communication: Keep the lines of communication open and honest. Discuss your dreams, goals, and expectations for the future. Good communication may be a key to resolving conflicts and maintaining a strong connection over the long haul.
- Quality Time: Make an effort to spend quality time. Continue dating, exploring new experiences, and creating lasting memories. Regularly set aside time to nurture your emotional connection and enjoy the other’s company.
- Financial Planning: Be proactive about managing your finances. Create a budget that makes sense for you and your spouse, discuss your financial goals, and decide on a plan for handling money as a couple. Financial disagreements can be a significant source of stress, so addressing these issues early is important. Developing a budget for everything from grocery shopping to travel can give couples the stability they need for a great marriage.
- Conflict Resolution: Learn healthy conflict resolution techniques rather than trying to get one word in over your partner. Conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, and knowing how to address them constructively is essential.
- Support Each Other: Be each other's biggest supporters and cheerleaders. Encourage each other's personal and professional growth, and provide emotional support during challenging times.
- Maintain Individuality: While marriage is a partnership, it's also important to maintain your individual identities and interests and not to forget who you are. Continue to pursue your passions and personal goals.
- Foster Intimacy: Emotional and physical intimacy are both important. Nurture your emotional connection through meaningful conversations and common experiences. Physical intimacy is a way to express your love and connect on a deeper level.
- Seek Guidance: Don't hesitate to seek guidance from marriage counselors or therapists if you encounter challenges you can't resolve on your own. Professional support can help strengthen your relationship.
- Celebrate Milestones: Celebrate your love and milestones together. Acknowledge special occasions such as marking the day that you started dating,, and continue to express your love and appreciation for each other.
- Be Patient and Forgiving: Understand that no marriage is perfect, and both partners make mistakes. Be patient and forgiving with each other, and focus on growing and learning together.
How do you keep your marriage strong?
Maintaining a strong and healthy marriage requires ongoing effort, commitment, and open communication. Developing a solid foundation of communication, trust, and respect can give relationships a powerful start. As a marriage progresses and develops over time, it may be beneficial to continually support one another and foster greater love and intimacy through mutual experiences. This may help couples to remember why they got married in the first place.
Building a strong marriage takes time and effort from all parties. Marriage can sometimes seem like a roller coaster, with ups and downs, however, by continually working together couples can learn and become stronger. This continual learning process is one of the hallmarks of a successful marriage.
What are the five steps to marriage preparation?
Marriage preparation is an important process that can help couples lay the foundation for a strong and enduring marriage. Here are five key steps for marriage preparation:
- Open and Honest Communication: Engage in deep, open, and honest conversations with your partner. Discuss your individual values, goals, and expectations for your life together. This is the time to address any concerns, explore common values, and understand each other's priorities.
- Pre-Marital Counseling: Consider enrolling in pre-marital counseling or therapy. A qualified therapist or counselor can help you and your partner navigate potential issues, improve communication, and develop valuable conflict-resolution skills. This can be especially beneficial for addressing any unresolved issues and preparing for the challenges of marriage.
- Financial Planning: Discuss your financial situation, including income, debts, savings, and financial goals. Create a joint budget and agree on how you'll handle finances as a couple. Financial disagreements can be a significant source of marital stress, so addressing these issues proactively is crucial.
- Legal and Practical Matters: Address legal and practical aspects of marriage, such as obtaining a marriage license, understanding the legal implications of marriage, and deciding on name changes (if applicable). Consider estate planning, wills, and powers of attorney.
- Cultural and Family Considerations: Talk about how you will navigate your relationships with family and friends as a married couple. Ensure that both partners are comfortable with the level of involvement and boundaries you establish. Discuss any cultural or religious considerations that may impact your marriage. It may be beneficial to discuss plans for future children.
What is a marriage plan?
A marriage plan is a comprehensive and strategic outline that engaged couples create to prepare for their future together. It encompasses various aspects of married life, including mutual goals, expectations, and practical considerations. A marriage plan typically includes elements such as financial planning, family and friend dynamics, communication strategies, conflict resolution techniques, and an understanding of legal and practical matters related to marriage. It may help couples build a strong foundation for their partnership, align their values and priorities, and navigate the challenges that can arise in married life. A well-thought-out marriage plan encourages open communication, fosters trust, and sets the stage for a successful and fulfilling marriage.
How can I improve myself before marriage?
Improving yourself before marriage is a valuable step that can contribute to a strong and successful partnership. For a prospective husband, wife, or partner preparing for marriage may help avoid pitfalls. Here are some ways to work on personal growth and self-improvement:
- Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your values, goals, and priorities. Understanding yourself better may help you to realize and communicate your needs and expectations more effectively to your partner.
- Communication Skills: Enhance your communication skills, including active listening and expressing your thoughts and feelings clearly. Keeping communication open can allow couples to continue to move forward together.
- Conflict Resolution: Learn and practice healthy conflict resolution techniques. This will help you address disagreements constructively and prevent them from escalating into major issues.
- Self-Care: Prioritize self-care by taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This includes maintaining a healthy lifestyle, managing stress, and seeking professional help when needed.
- Financial Responsibility: Build good financial habits, including budgeting, saving, and managing debt. Financial disagreements can put a strain on a marriage, so being financially responsible is crucial.
- Continued Learning: Engage in continuous learning and self-improvement. Read, take courses, and pursue your passions and interests. This will make you a more interesting and fulfilled person.
- Support Network: Strengthen your support network of friends and family. Having a strong support system can provide emotional and practical assistance when needed.
- Personal Goals: Set and work toward your personal goals and dreams. Continue to grow as an individual so that you can bring your best self to the marriage.
- Flexibility and Adaptability: Develop the ability to be flexible and adapt to change. Life will present unexpected challenges, and being able to adapt is an important skill.
- Respect and Empathy: Practice respect and empathy toward others. This will not only benefit your future spouse but also contribute to more harmonious relationships with others.
What is the most important part of preparing for marriage?
The most important part of preparing for marriage is building a strong foundation of emotional connection, open communication, trust, and mutual values. Here's why each of these components may be important:
- Emotional Connection: A deep emotional connection between partners may be the foundation strong marriage. It involves feeling understood, loved, and supported by your partner. This emotional bond provides a sense of safety and resilience during the inevitable challenges of married life.
- Open Communication: Effective and honest communication is essential for understanding each other's thoughts, feelings, and needs. It's the key to resolving conflicts, making joint decisions, and maintaining a strong connection. A healthy marriage thrives on transparent and empathetic communication.
- Trust: Trust is fundamental in any marriage. Partners must have confidence in each other's reliability, integrity, and commitment to the relationship. Trust provides a sense of safety and allows for vulnerability and emotional intimacy.
- Mutual Values: Mutual values and goals help guide the trajectory of your marriage. When partners align in their values and aspirations, they can work together towards a common purpose. This unity enhances compatibility and reduces the likelihood of major conflicts.
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