What Is A Gray Divorce? Exploring The Increase In Gray Divorces Among Older Adults
The concept of a “gray divorce” has to do with the ages of the individuals ending the marriage and how long they've been together. This particular type of divorce has been happening more frequently in recent years. Here, we'll explain what a gray divorce is, explore potential reasons for the recent increase in the gray divorce rate, and suggest ways to receive support as you navigate the end of a marriage.
What is a gray divorce?
“Gray divorce” is a term that has come about in more recent years to correspond to a new phenomenon related to divorce. It refers specifically to divorces initiated by older couples (at least 50 years old), typically after decades of marriage. These couples often married young and raised children together, eventually deciding to end their marriages after many years as partners.
The current divorce rate for gray divorces specifically
How a gray divorce differs from other divorces
A gray divorce is different from other types of divorces for two reasons: The individuals involved are older adults (usually 50 or older), and they have typically been married for many years. It can seem surprising for a couple who was married for so long to finally decide on divorce, even after raising a family and spending so much of life together. The social and cultural factors that may be contributing to the gray divorce phenomenon have been a topic of interest among couples therapists, sociologists, and those in related fields in recent years.
Why a long-term marriage ends: Possible causes of the high gray divorce rate among older adults
Why, exactly, has the divorce rate among the Baby Boomers generation been increasing so significantly since the 1990s? Experts propose a few factors that may play a role.
Life changes in older age
Many of those who married decades ago raised children together. Once those children grow up and leave home, the couple may experience “empty nest syndrome.” During this time, any issues within their relationship may become more pronounced. Partners may realize that they have differing values or goals at this stage, or they may even have been waiting until their kids were grown up to pursue a divorce.
Another life change that could potentially contribute to the end of a marriage in couples aged 50 or older is a health challenge that affects one or both partners. In some cases, the stress of health concerns could put a strain on the marriage. Alternatively, health issues could give one or both partners a new perspective on life and their relationship, potentially leading them to realize they want something different.
Evolving social factors
For couples who are 50 or older and have been together for decades, the current social landscape is quite different from the one in which they got married. Today, there's less emphasis on marrying young and more emphasis on taking time to find a partner with compatible values and goals—if one chooses to seek a partner at all.
In addition, women have gained more financial independence in the last few decades, which may be contributing to the growing population of single individuals in general. For many, marriage is no longer necessary for financial survival in the way that it once was, and remaining unmarried is becoming increasingly socially acceptable as well.
Finally, there's more social discourse on and knowledge of the many options a person has for their life. More people than ever are now happily living the single life, exploring their sexuality, traveling extensively, or making other lifestyle choices that may not have been available to those who married young many years ago. Unhappily married couples over 50 may learn of new options and decide to leave an unsatisfying marriage in order to pursue them.
Infidelity
Infidelity is another common reason marriages end in divorce, regardless of the ages of the individuals involved. Infidelity can be emotional, sexual, or even financial. While some couples can and do work through a breach of trust of this type, it can lead to the end of the marriage for many others—especially if it shines a light on other pre-existing problems in the relationship. Again, since women are now able to be more economically independent, divorce is also an option for many where it may not have been in previous decades.
Potential impacts of gray divorces
Like any divorce, gray divorces can have significant effects on those involved. See below for a few ways in which this type of change in marital status may affect both the former partners and their families.
On the former partners ending their marriage
Divorce is usually a highly impactful life event, but the way it affects older individuals can be unique. For some, it provides them with the opportunity to rediscover who they are, achieve a new sense of independence, and pursue a life more aligned with their values. For others, it can be an unexpected and devastating blow that challenges their confidence and identity and leads them to feel deeply uncertain about the future. For still others, the impacts can be a complicated mix of these emotions.
Divorce later in life can also have unique financial effects, which research suggests may correlate to gender. For example, one study indicates that women who went through a gray divorce “experienced a 45% decline in their standard of living (measured by an income-to-needs ratio), whereas men’s dropped by just 21%.” Divorce may affect retirement savings, assets like a shared family home, and overall financial security.
On the families of the older adults getting gray divorces
Divorce can be difficult for any children involved, even if they are now adults. Adult children of divorce may feel blindsided when their older parents split, especially if they were not aware of any problems in the relationship. In addition, adult children may have to take on more responsibility throughout the process, such as being expected to provide emotional support to one or both parents and helping with financial considerations, moving, finding a divorce attorney, and going through any court proceedings.
How therapy can help before, during, and after the divorce process
Regardless of the circumstances, divorce can be a difficult process and is often a time of upheaval for everyone involved. Seeking the support of a therapist can be beneficial during this period, both for the divorcing partners and for their children or other affected family members.
In older and younger generations alike, before a divorce is agreed upon, partners might decide to go to couples therapy if they're interested in trying to work out their relationship challenges. Partners can also attend therapy as individuals during and after the divorce process for support in navigating this major life change. A therapist can provide treatment for any mental health symptoms that may arise, such as an adjustment disorder or anxiety, as well.
Finally, adult children or other family members affected by late-life divorces may also benefit from working with a therapist. This type of provider can offer compassionate care and a listening ear as the individual processes the change in their family life.
Exploring the option of online therapy
Divorce can be a stressful time, and it may not be feasible to add in-person therapy appointments to your schedule. In such cases, online therapy may be a more convenient way to receive emotional support.
With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched and meet with a licensed therapist remotely, from home or any location with an internet connection. Plus, online sessions cost less than most in-person appointments without insurance. Research suggests that online therapy can often be as effective as in-person therapy, including for older adults.
Takeaway
What is a gray divorce?
A gray divorce is when couples in their 50s or older decide to separate. Gray divorces usually mark the end of a decades-long marriage. Some experts are referring to the increase in this type of separation as the “gray divorce revolution,” since adults aged 50 and older are the only age group for which the divorce rate has increased so sharply in recent years.
How common is divorce after 65?
“Gray divorces,” or divorces where the partners are at least 50 years old, are becoming increasingly common. In fact, today, younger couples divorce at rates lower than those 50 and older. Statistics suggest that the divorce rate for those over 50 has more than doubled since 1990.
What is the main reason for gray divorce?
Infidelity is one of the most common reasons for divorce at any age—for young people today as well as those from past generations. Apart from this, those who get a gray divorce are more likely to split because of changes in life circumstances. For example, experiencing empty nest syndrome or reaching retirement age and realizing differing future priorities is common.
Why do couples divorce after 40 years of marriage?
The reasons married people may divorce after a long-term relationship can vary widely. Some people were living in a bad marriage or unhappy marriage for years and decide to get a divorce once their children leave the house or they become more financially stable. In other cases, one spouse or both may discover new passions, social connections, or opportunities later in life and decide that it makes sense to take separate paths.
What are the consequences of a gray divorce?
The financial consequences of a gray divorce are often a key consideration, and they can vary widely depending on many factors—including when the couples married, what their pension plans or retirement accounts look like, and what their future goals are. The cost of legal fees can also affect a person’s financial position after divorce. That said, research suggests that more women tend to be at higher risk of being worse off than men after a gray divorce.
Who initiates the grey “gray” divorce?
According to a marriage research study by the AARP, women are more likely to initiate a gray divorce. Common reasons include differing financial priorities and differing retirement plans or goals. Like those of a younger age, individuals who get a gray divorce could also be motivated by infidelity or prolonged relationship conflict.
Do people regret gray divorce?
Many people are content with their decision to get a gray divorce and pursue the single life. It often gives an individual the opportunity to get to know themselves anew and follow personal passions and goals.
Is divorce after 50 worth it?
There is still much life to be lived after age 50. A married individual who is deeply unhappy may find that becoming a single person gives them a wealth of new opportunities to rediscover themselves and pursue personal interests and new relationships.
How do you avoid gray divorce?
It may be possible to reduce the risk of getting a divorce by ensuring strong communication early on in your marriage. Checking it often about needs, feelings, and future goals may help you and your partner stay on the same page.
What are the emotional effects of a gray divorce?
On the individuals who are separating, a gray divorce can bring up a complex mix of emotions. Relief, uncertainty about the future, shock, sadness, and frustration are just a few examples. For adult children or other family members involved, news of the divorce may also be shocking. Plus, a contentious divorce could require adult children to provide extensive emotional and practical support throughout the proceedings, which may be taxing.
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