Help Me: Feeling You’re Not Good Enough For Someone Else

Do you ever feel like you're not good enough to someone else or like you can't meet their expectations? If so you aren't alone. “I’m not good enough” can be a feeling that many people experience at some point, whether because their self-esteem took a hit or because they’ve always tended to experience negative thoughts. 

Human beings are social creatures by nature, for whom the opinions of those around us can feel incredibly important, especially when it comes to our relationship with our friends, family, and other important people in our lives. It can be easy to believe untrue thoughts like "I’m not good enough,” especially after experiencing unrequited love or some other type of rejection. There are many factors that can contribute to feeling like you aren't good for someone. When you learn how to identify the problem, you may find that you can overcome feelings of low self-worth and emerge stronger than before. 

Regaining confidence to feel good enough

When you're feeling unappreciated or you feel that someone else thinks you aren't good enough, whether it be as a parent, spouse, friend, or child, your self-confidence can plummet. It can be hard to feel like a confident and capable person if you believe you don't meet someone else's standards. This can also make it difficult to focus on your own happiness and can impact the way you view the world. Because of this, it’s important to explore the reasoning behind these feelings. 

Reasons you may feel like you're not good enough

There are many reasons you may feel as though you aren't up to your own standards. These can include:

Low self-esteem 

If you experience low self-esteem and a poor self-image, it can be easy to feel inadequate or like you don't meet someone else's standards. If you feel you don't fit the definition of the perfect partner, parent, or friend, you may begin to experience low self-esteem and have untrue negative thoughts about yourself that can lead you to feel insecure or unworthy of love and respect. Your feelings of self-worth can greatly impact whether you feel that someone else thinks you’re not good enough.

The way you're treated

You may be feeling worthless because someone else is trying to make you feel that way. This could be from an abusive relationship,* either physical or emotional, or from your development in early or middle childhood. If a child is constantly told they're a failure, they may start to believe it. This can leave them susceptible to manipulative relationships later in life, and the cycle may continue. If you experienced poor treatment as a child or have been in unhealthy relationships, you may find it helpful to find a therapist who can help you work through any resulting mental health concerns.*

Anxiety and depression

You may feel you aren't enough as a result of an underlying mental health condition, such as anxiety or depression. People who experience anxiety may naturally seek approval in their interactions with others, often questioning if they've acted appropriately. They may analyze their past conversations and feel certain they must have said something wrong, leading them to fear the reactions of others whenever they speak. They may beat themselves up over nothing, tending to fixate on the idea of what may have gone wrong even if there’s absolutely no proof that anyone is upset with them. This could lead to prolonged depression and feelings of loneliness, both of which can be harmful to a person’s mental health and further worsen thoughts of not feeling good enough or believing they don’t deserve good things in life. In severe cases, an individual may experience suicidal thoughts.

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. Support is available 24/7.

Past trauma

If you feel a persistent or recurring feeling of low self-esteem, it could be related to childhood abuse or other types of trauma, even those experienced as an adult child. In difficult situations, severe trauma from earlier in your life may cause you to shut down or feel detached from reality. If this is the case, you may be experiencing depersonalization or derealization disorder, which is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 5th Edition. Depersonalization or derealization complications, episodes, and experiences include feeling out of body or in a dreamlike state. This can sometimes affect your sense of worth.

Will it get better? How to overcome feelings of inadequacy 

Feeling like you’re not enough does not need to be a challenge for your whole life. When you’re feeling this way, it may help to consider how your life decisions can affect your thoughts and emotions. While there is no one “right” answer to improving your self-esteem and self-image, you can use certain strategies that help you change cognitive distortions or mental processes and practice self-compassion. You can also remember to practice self-care activities, such as exercising and making a schedule to spend time with a good friend.

If you experience low self-esteem and believe that someone else thinks you're not good enough, you may not feel comfortable approaching the "someone" in question. You may instead find it helpful to write in a journal about your thoughts. Journaling can reduce stress and may help you process your emotions, and you may find that you can express challenging thoughts freely without anyone judging you. It may also help you find insights into why you think and feel the way you do. You might realize that strength comes from within, as it's only you who can ultimately control your thoughts and emotions.

How BetterHelp can support your self-confidence

You may want to consider attending counseling with this other person or by yourself. A licensed therapist can help you explore your personality traits and feelings and may be able to identify sources of your thoughts about not being enough. It can be hard to differentiate whether the sources of negative emotions are just thoughts or a more serious underlying cause. 

If you are unsure about therapy, you may start by getting advice from your doctor. Feelings of low self-esteem can be expected in life; however, prolonged periods of feeling inadequate aren't. It is important to get the help that you need if you are constantly feeling this way. When we frequently feel like we’re not good enough or don’t deserve good things, it can take a toll on our mental health, social relationships, and overall well-being.

If you don’t feel comfortable visiting a therapist’s office, you might consider trying online therapy, which numerous studies have demonstrated to be effective. With online therapy at BetterHelp, you can connect with a therapist with professional experience. You can often connect via phone, live chat, or videoconferencing from the comfort of your home or anywhere you have an internet connection. Also, you can contact your therapist at any time, day or night, through in-app messaging, and they’ll respond as soon as they can. 

Read below for some reviews of BetterHelp therapists from people experiencing similar concerns. Many of us have experienced thoughts that we’re not good enough, but it can be possible to feel good, stay motivated, and improve our well-being with the help and guidance of a licensed mental health professional.

BetterHelp counselor reviews 

“I was really struggling with the relationships in my life and with my self-esteem in general. Brittany really helped me to open up and take a long, hard look at myself. After only a week, I am starting to look at my life so much differently.”

“He has been extremely professional and has been there to help me begin to overcome my anxiety and self-esteem issues. He is very good at listening and really understanding your concerns.”