How to stop loving someone and start moving forward

Loving someone you don't want to love can be challenging, especially if you feel it doesn't matter to you anymore. You might feel your emotions contradict your mindset and that it would be easier to forget the individual you love. While emotions like unrequited love can be painful, there are ways to move forward and accept them without letting them drive your behavior. Considering these coping mechanisms may help you move forward healthily and feel less attached to your love for this person.

Why do I love someone I don't want to love anymore? 

Love can stick around for many reasons when you want it to stop or go away. Below are a few you can consider. 

Chemical reactions 

Love is a chemical reaction in the brain that causes a release of chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. These chemicals cause a rush of euphoria, making you feel excited, connected, and safe in your relationship. Studies show that love can be addictive for some people, especially in relationships with a push-and-pull dynamic. 

If you miss the release of love chemicals you used to get with a person, you might start feeling them again when you see reminders of them, such as their favorite color or a picture of them on social media. These reactions are normal and may fade with time as you continue to stay out of contact with someone. 

A lack of closure

Some individuals may appreciate closure after the end of a relationship. Closure could mean saying goodbye, having a profound conversation, or making amends. It could also mean mutually deciding to stay out of each other's lives. It can feel scary and confusing if both partners are not on the same page. If you've been ghosted, abandoned, or ignored, you might feel like the person you loved didn't care about you enough to give you the closure you seek. If you don't have closure, you might feel stuck on the idea of receiving it, waiting for the person you love to reach out to make sense of what happened to you. 

An insecure attachment style

Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1950s. They described four distinct attachment styles individuals form from the attachments they make with their parents as infants and children. Attachment theory involves the idea that insecure attachment styles can cause relationship conflict. Below are the three insecure patterns and their behavioral associations: 

• Anxious attachment: Anxiously attached individuals may fear abandonment and loss above all else, letting it drive their actions. They may ask for constant reassurance, feel afraid on their own, and let others drive their personality and feelings.

• Avoidant attachment: Avoidantly attached individuals fear vulnerability and connection and may actively run from connection when offered. They may pull away completely when they feel threatened, potentially having few short-term relationships instead of long-term connections.

• Disorganized attachment: Disorganized attached individuals may cycle between anxious and avoidant tendencies. They may crave love and fear abandonment but also detach themselves when relationships become too close or remind them of a past traumatic event. They may go back and forth to the point that the relationship becomes confusing and unpredictable for their partner. 

If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.

If you have one of the above attachment styles, it might drive your actions and emotions. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may feel they still love their ex-partner because they have been abandoned and want to try to salvage the relationship or receive validation that their ex feels the same, even if they know the relationship has ended. Severe anxious attachment can lead to sending anxious messages, waiting hours for the phone to ring, or sending a letter to an ex to try to reconcile. 

Fear of missing out 

For those with indecisive tendencies, it can be challenging to end a relationship, as it's often a finite choice. When a relationship ends, you might wonder what could have been and worry that you made the wrong decision. If your ex is still interested in you, it might solidify these feelings, making you feel like you still love them because you fear losing them altogether. 

Genuine love

At times, love for an ex can be natural and genuine. If you loved someone, had a healthy relationship with them, and felt connected to them for a long time, it can make sense to continue to feel that love when you are no longer together. In these cases, sitting with these feelings, acknowledging them, and accepting that you can love someone you must lose might be helpful. 

How to stop loving someone you don't want to love

If you're ready to stop loving someone you're tired of loving, there are a few coping mechanisms you can use to potentially change your feelings. However, suppressing emotions has been associated with mental and physical health challenges. If your emotions are not changing, practicing acceptance and self-love may be more effective until you're ready to move forward from your loving feelings. 

Focus on self-care

Self-care can mean any activity that brings you joy, peace, and self-compassion as long as it does not harm you or another person. It can be a vital part of caring for your mental health as you work to stop loving someone. Below are a few activities you might try: 

• Mindfulness and meditation 
• Yoga
• Eating healthy foods
• Spending a day with your pets
• Taking a weekend trip on your own 
• Watching a happy movie 
• Spending time in nature
• Singing or playing an instrument
• Taking a hot bubble bath 
• Writing in a journal
• Exploring tourist spots in your city
• Hugging yourself
• Self-soothing with lotions, comfy clothing, and yummy food 
• Playing positive video games
• Trying a new hobby
• Spending time with friends and family

Distract yourself

Distraction is another skill to keep your mind off someone you miss. If you’d like to stop thinking about the person for whom you have feelings of love, find an activity that stimulates your brain and keeps your hands busy. For example, you might try writing a story, building DIY furniture, dancing at a club, playing video games with friends, making art, or cooking a meal. Find an activity that keeps you occupied and try to focus on it for a few days or weeks. 

Perform a "goodbye" ritual

For those that feel a lack of closure, it might be beneficial to try a closure "ritual," which can involve any practice you feel fits your needs. Some people believe in cord-cutting spells involving two candles lit with a cord tied around them. Other people might write a letter and burn it or bury it in a significant location. You can also donate your ex's belongings or throw them away if seeing them in your home hurts you. Find a ritual that helps you feel you've had closure. 

Give yourself time

Refrain from contact

If you want to get over a person, it might be valuable to spend less time with them or cut off contact completely. Seeing someone in public, hanging out with them, continuing to be physically intimate, or checking their social media accounts may cause lingering feelings. Consider blocking your ex online and giving yourself the time you need away from them to reevaluate your emotions. 

Connect with a professional 

In some cases, love may remain when you know it's unhealthy for you. If you relate, you might benefit from speaking to a therapist. If you face financial or locational barriers to treatment, you can also try an online therapy platform like BetterHelp.

Online therapy can help individuals receive care from home at a cost-effective price. If you want to be discreet about treatment or prefer not to commute to therapy, you can reduce the chances of seeing your ex in public by working with a provider online. You can also choose a nickname if you don't want to give your real name with your therapist. 

Studies have found that online therapy is significantly effective. One study discovered that this treatment modality could reduce loneliness, isolation, and depression in individuals, which may be common symptoms in those trying to get over an ex. In addition, online therapy was as effective as in-person options.