I Cheated On My Partner: What Should I Do?
"I cheated on my partner." This phrase may be something you'd never think would apply to you. Or, perhaps you suspected this mistake would happen for a while. Whatever the case, if it's happened, you may find yourself feeling a myriad of emotions.
You might be at a point where you have to decide what to do next. Do you admit it or keep it a secret? Do you stay and try to repair the relationship with methods like online therapy or move on to a new love? This guide explores some things to consider as you move forward.
Deciding What To Do After Cheating
In a closed relationship where you've agreed to exclusivity, cheating on your partner can be significant and have consequences. Your next steps likely depend on the situation. Does your partner know about the incident? If they don't, have you considered whether you'll discuss it with them?
Honesty increases the chances of your relationship's survival. If you want to continue the relationship, being truthful about your actions is likely the best course. Yes, it may end the relationship, but if you're honest and remorseful, your partner might be willing to work with you to save it.
However, it's also possible that you don't want to save the relationship. Perhaps you cheated because you weren't sure how else to end things.
If you need help deciding what to do, whether you'd like to be honest, or if you'd like to save the relationship, speaking with a therapist might help. With online therapy, you can talk with a professional via video, phone, or messaging and work through this challenging time. It's as effective as in-person therapy, and an outside opinion can help you better explore the situation.
Finding The Reason
While the encounter might have meant nothing, once you've cheated, you can't take back that it happened. And there's usually a reason that things like this happen. It could be anything, from a reaction to changing attraction levels in your relationship to seeking revenge for past emotional pain. Or it might be related to things like impulsivity or low self-esteem unrelated to your partner.
It can help to explore why you cheated before deciding how to handle the situation. Here are more potential causes:
Running away from problems
Long-distance relationship
Social media/the internet
Boredom
Lack of respect or attention
Growing apart/increased space
Pornography addiction
A reaction to prior infidelity
Abuse
Insecurity/feeling alone
Feeling unappreciated
Body image/aging issues
If you tell your partner about the incident of cheating, they might ask why it happened, and being able to explain could help the discussion. Speaking about this with a therapist could help if you can't identify a reason. In addition, a therapist can help you explore subconscious thoughts and help rule out or identify mental health issues that might have contributed to the incident. Therapy can also help you process any guilt or shame you may feel after the incident.
In addition to telling your partner the reason, knowing can help prevent something like this from happening again. This is another way working with a therapist can be helpful after cheating on your partner.
Do You Tell Your Partner Or Keep It Secret?
If you decide to tell your partner but cannot bring yourself to do it, revealing the truth in a therapy setting could help. You could ask your therapist if your partner can attend a session and request their help disclosing the truth. Or, you could engage in relationship counseling and use this as a safe place to keep what happened.
Repairing The Relationship
After revealing that you cheated, you and your partner can begin to repair the relationship if they decide to continue it. However, infidelity can feel intensely upsetting to your partner, and a simple apology might not be enough to mend things. Working with a licensed relationship counselor might help you understand how to proceed, with insight into how to show your care and regain your partner's trust.
You can skip professional help, but you'll likely still need to navigate trust issues and complicated emotions. Your partner might also need time to decide if they want to continue the relationship, and giving them this space might be integral to saving it.
Research suggests that to move past a breach of trust, including cheating, partners must progress through stages including:
Knowing the details
Releasing the anger
Showing commitment
Rebuilding trust
Rebuilding the relationship
Moving past cheating is usually a delicate process, whether working alone or with a relationship counselor, but these steps might help. For example, you could start by allowing your partner to ask as many questions as they'd like about the details of the incident to address "knowing the details."
Then, according to the steps above, you might allow your partner to express their emotions, which could include shock, anger, confusion, disappointment, and a loss of control. They might want to be alone during this time, and you may work on showing commitment by giving them what they need.
From there, it might be time to navigate rebuilding trust and the relationship. This entire process will likely look different from relationship to relationship. Suggesting a relationship counselor might be appropriate if you need help approaching the process.
Takeaway
If your partner is willing, it's often possible to overcome an incident of cheating with caution and sensitivity. And you can work to address the reason behind the event personally to reduce the risk of it happening again.
A licensed therapist or relationship counselor can be helpful regardless of how you choose to proceed. And BetterHelp can match you with a professional based on your needs and preferences so that you have someone to talk to. In addition, sessions are easy to schedule, and you can use in-app messaging to reach out to your therapist whenever you need.
If you choose to pursue couples counseling, this online format of BetterHelp can make it easier to arrange sessions that work for both of your schedules. And you'll enjoy the benefits of therapy from the comfort of your home.
Read below for reviews of BetterHelp counselors from people experiencing similar issues.
Counselor Reviews
"Frankie is a great therapist. She is very responsive, her advice is always simple and straight forward, yet well-thought out too. She is currently helping me with infidelity, marriage, separation, divorce, and much more and her kind sincerity always helps me to move forward with confidence in my life."
"Dr. Murphy has been very helpful in identifying issues and behaviors that led me to withdraw from my relationships and now she is helping me to repair them."
Commonly Asked Questions:
What should I do if I cheated on my boyfriend?
Can you cheat on your boyfriend and still love him?
Should I tell my boyfriend I cheated on him?
Why did I cheat on my boyfriends?
Why did I cheat on my boyfriend that I love?
How do you treat a cheating girlfriend?
What are the signs of a woman cheating on you?
Will a woman who cheats cheat again?
Does the guilt of cheating ever go away?
Will I ever forgive myself for cheating?
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What should I do if I cheated on my boyfriend?
No matter how you look at it, cheating in a relationship is a pretty big deal. Cheating can leave you morally bankrupt. If you decided to cheat, you may be afraid of being faced with the “once a cheater always a cheater” mentality that others have. Even though it may not feel like it right now, you do have a say-so in how the rest of your life plays out. Relationship problems do not have to a permanent part of your story. However, if you want to avoid relationship problems moving forward, it is important to address what led you to cheat in the first place.
Whether you decide to tell him at this point or not, it is still important to deal with your thoughts and feelings. Talking to a best friend or loved one may be helpful. You may find it easier to talk to someone who is more neutral, such as a licensed counselor or therapist. Whatever you decide, it’s important to understand that having peace of mind and well-balanced mental health can have a positive impact on several areas of your life.
Should I tell my boyfriend I cheated on him?
If you have cheated on a boyfriend, it can make you feel bad about yourself and leave you wondering if it’s possible to stay in the relationship if he finds out. Deciding whether you want to tell him can be a gut-wrenching decision. Unfortunately, there is no simple answer and there are consequences no matter what you decide. If you tell him, you may risk the loss of your current relationship with him. On the other hand, if you keep the secret to yourself, it could become too much to live with. As difficult as it is at times, in most situations, honesty is usually the best thing for you and him.
Why did I cheat on my boyfriend?
There are many reasons that may have led to you cheat on your boyfriend. Only you can say for sure why it happened. If you are experiencing insecure feelings about yourself, especially your sexuality, you may have found yourself looking for some way to build your confidence, such as flirting with another guy. Maybe things got out of hand before you stopped it. Another reason that some people cheat is the fear of settling down. While being in a relationship has its positive side, it’s not uncommon to get cold feet and wonder if you’re with the right person. If your boyfriend is inattentive to your wants and needs, maybe you felt like you needed the companionship of someone and turned to someone else.
If you have cheated on your boyfriend, it’s important to acknowledge your own thoughts and feelings about what has happened and to seek help, if needed. While cheating once does not mean that you will cheat again, having unresolved issues that led to the indiscretion can increase the likelihood. If you are having a hard time dealing with the guilt of cheating, you may find it helpful to reach out to a counselor or mental health professional who is trained in relationship or couple’s counseling so you can have a neutral person to talk to. If you feel like you need to include your boyfriend in on the sessions, that is an option that you can discuss with a therapist and plan to do when you are ready.
Do you really love someone if you cheat on them?
Depending on who you ask, you may get conflicting answers to this question. Some people believe that it is possible to feel some form of love for a partner, but not feel totally committed to them. In this case, the person may not feel that cheating equates a lack of love.
Should I forgive my cheating boyfriend?
Deciding whether to forgive your cheating boyfriend can be hard. Falling in love with someone and then finding out they ended up cheating on you can leave you feeling like an emotional wreck. The most important thing to know is that only you can decide to forgive someone else for a wrong they committed against you. Both anger and forgiveness can have a powerful impact on your emotional well-being. It comes down to the question of whether you feel like you are prepared to carry anger or pain in your heart from now on or if you are willing to look beyond what has happened and release yourself from the hurt. The truth is, while forgiveness may benefit your cheating boyfriend, it can also help you. Choosing to forgive means you have decided that you will not let the past determine how your future unfolds. Forgiveness does not mean that you must remain in the relationship or that you must tolerate poor behavior from anyone else in your life. It simply means that you have chosen to let go of something that hurts you so that you can move on to a happier, healthier life.
Do cheaters feel pain?
Cheaters often feel pain. It is sometimes hard to see past your own pain from being cheated on to even begin to understand why the other person did it. However, whether it was an isolated incident or an ongoing affair, the emotional weight of cheating in a relationship can be devastating to the person who is doing it. The guilt, embarrassment and fear of losing a relationship can all bear down on a cheater and cause significant pain. Additionally, it is not uncommon for someone who has cheated to experience physical symptoms because of the emotional strain. High blood pressure, headaches, and gastrointestinal problems are among some of the physical symptoms they may experience.
What to say to your boyfriend after you cheated?
The mere thought of confessing that you cheated can be overwhelming. If you have been unfaithful and you feel like you are ready to admit your transgression, it’s important to prepare yourself for how your boyfriend may act. Think about what you want to say and be willing to listen to his response, even if you don’t like what he has to say.
You can begin the conversation by telling him that you have something you want to confide in him and that you would like for him to hear you out. Don’t drag the conversation out. Be matter of fact and to the point, but don’t be harsh with your words. Tell him how you feel about what you’ve done and ask for his forgiveness. Even if he doesn’t willingly forgive you at first, it’s important to ask for forgiveness.
Don’t try to downplay the seriousness of what has happened. Chances are, he is going to feel violated and angry. He has that right. After you’ve told him what has happened and asked for forgiveness, ask him if there is anything he wants to know or if he has anything he wants to say to you. It’s important to understand that he may not want to talk right away, but he may come back to you later. When all else fails, try to imagine how you would feel in his situation.
Can I forgive myself for cheating?
Perhaps one of the hardest things to do after cheating is to forgive yourself. The guilt that you feel may feel overwhelming. It’s okay to acknowledge how you feel about the affair and what you want out of life moving forward. Even if your partner forgives you, you may still need to deal with the emotions you are experiencing. If you and your partner are trying to work out your relationship, be honest about how you feel and tell them you are working on yourself. Also, reaching out to a counselor for individual and/or couple’s therapy, as needed, could be helpful as you work through this difficult time.
Should you tell your partner if you cheated once?
Opinions vary about whether one unfaithful transgression should be revealed to the unassuming partner. Perhaps the bigger question is, can you live with yourself if you don’t tell your partner? In many cases, one lie leads to another and another. If you want to have a healthy relationship, now or in the future, learning to address your own shortcomings and admitting to wrongs will your partner feel like you are willing to work on problems if they arise.
Can a relationship go back to normal after cheating?
Some relationships can go back to normal after one partner cheats. Other relationships may not be salvageable. The long-term success of a relationship depends on a couple’s willingness to work together to overcome the hardship. In some cases, it may be necessary to seek the help of a counselor or therapist. It may take a while for healing to begin and each person should be prepared to experience emotional ups and downs. Cheating is a violation of trust and it takes deliberate effort to overcome the effect that it can have. Nevertheless, if you value your relationship and both of you are willing to work, it is possible to experience a normal relationship after someone cheats.
What makes a person cheat?
There are several factors that may lead to a person making the decision to cheat. For many, it is not an instant decision, but more of a process of feeling the need for more connection with someone. Lack of sexual intimacy in a love life, lack of emotional connection, and being overworked are some common things that may lead to one partner cheating. If you have been cheated on, it is important to understand that you are not accountable for your partner’s choice. No matter how difficult you can be, your partner must accept accountability for their own behavior. Also, if you are the one who cheated, blaming your partner’s shortcomings (real or perceived) for your behavior is not right. If there are issues in the relationship that make one partner feel dissatisfied, it is essential to address those issues and try to put forth effort to resolve the problems.
Should you tell the truth if you cheat?
If you want to salvage your relationship, as difficult as it may be, it is usually a good idea to tell the truth. Of course, your safety is of utmost importance. Therefore, if you are unsure of how your partner will react to what you’ve done, you may consider asking them to go to counseling with you and let the counselor lead you into a therapy session that is focused on addressing what has happened.
Also, if your partner asks you directly if you have cheated, it is important to tell the truth. In fact, if they ask you, they may already have some idea and may be trying to see if you will try to lie about the situation. It may be hard to talk about and you may feel like it would be easier to avoid the subject altogether. However, if you have any intention of rebuilding your relationship, it needs to start with a foundation of truth.
Do cheaters always cheat?
No. Cheaters do not always treat. In fact, buying into the old “once a cheater, always a cheater” notion seems to undervalue a person’s ability to change. A friend of mine who had an affair once told me that if a person believed a cheater always cheats, that person had probably never felt the gut-wrenching pain and humiliation that comes with being a cheater. Changing one’s behavior can be difficult, especially if has been a long-term pattern. However, change is possible and people who cheat can go on to have healthy relationships that are stable and faithful.
What are the signs of a woman cheating on you?
There are signs that a person might be cheating on you, but it’s tough to know for sure. It is possible to cheat in a monogamous relationship or a non monogamous relationship. In a marriage, or for partners who live together, you may notice that someone is gone more often; they might stay out later on a frequent basis out of the blue, saying they’re with a friend, best friend, or at work. They may be less attentive to your marriage or relationship and might appear to hide things, such as their social media, or, if they are having sex with another person, anything that could allude to this. Regardless of the cause, if something feels off or if there’s an unexplained change in the relationship, it may indicate that there is something to work through with a partner.
Will a woman who cheats cheat again?
Cheating can be through sex or other non sex related acts. Studies show that those who had sex with someone outside of the relationship were more likely to do it again. However, it is possible to break the cycle. If you’ve cheated before, it is possible to never cheat again. Talking with a mental health professional may be beneficial in helping you break the pattern.
Does the guilt of cheating ever go away?
Whether you break up or stay together, the aftermath of cheating can come with a great deal of emotional turmoil. Talking with a mental health professional can be beneficial, whether it’s as a couple, an individual, or both. With a professional, you can work through feelings of guilt, work to deepen an existing relationship or prepare for your next, and discuss any other concerns that could be on your mind, such as getting to the root of why you cheated. Therapy is a judgment-free zone, and it is important to be honest in therapy so that everything is on the table.
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