“Should I communicate with my ex?” 5 questions to ask yourself first

The temptation to contact your ex-partner after a breakup is quite common. Motivations for wanting to do so can vary—as can the answer to the question “Should I talk to my ex after a breakup? Is this a good idea?” Before you reach out, it’s usually wise to take a few moments to consider whether doing so is truly a good option for you. Especially after a relationship has ended, it’s important to prioritize your mental health and wellbeing, so take these factors into consideration before picking up your phone to call, text, or email your ex.

Ask yourself these 5 questions before contacting your ex

Relationships may end for all kinds of different reasons, and every situation is unique. However, a breakup generally means that one or more people were unhappy or felt that it was best to end things. Regardless of the cause, breakups are often difficult and emotional events. Because of these factors, it may be wise to think twice before reopening that door by contacting your ex again. Use these five questions to help yourself decide if reaching out is the right choice.

1.     Are you in the right frame of mind?

First, take a moment to check in on your current state of mind. Are you under the influence of alcohol, which can impair judgment and lower inhibitions? Are you feeling emotional about something else and feel the need for comfort? Are you missing physical touch or intimacy? If any of the above are true, it may be a sign that you’re in a vulnerable state of mind. In this case, contacting your ex may be an impulsive decision based on temporary feelings, which could bring about negative consequences for you.

For example, you may say things you’ll later regret because you might be speaking out of emotion in the heat of the moment. You might not end up getting the response that you want from them, which can leave you feeling worse. Or, you may end up getting back together, which may or may not be in your best interest, especially if the relationship was abusive, toxic, otherwise unhealthy, or unfulfilling in some way. So, if you find yourself in a vulnerable emotional state, it may be best to avoid contacting your ex during that time.

2.     Was your relationship healthy when you were together?

To accurately answer this question, you need to be honest with yourself. What was the relationship with this person like when you were still together? If your dynamic was generally healthy and positive, you may feel more inclined to contact them. Consider, however, why the relationship ended anyway. If it was their decision, it’s usually a good idea to respect their boundaries. If it was for compatibility reasons, it may bring you nothing but pain to try and rekindle a connection that doesn’t have potential. Whatever the relationship was like in the past, it’s often best to be realistic about it instead of succumbing to the common tendency to idealize.

If your dynamic was unhealthy or even abusive, it’s important to keep that in mind when grappling with the temptation to contact them. In a case like this, it’s usually best to keep that person out of your life for your own health and safety. Research shows that there’s a strong correlation between psychological distress (usually associated with abuse) and self-esteem, which can make it even harder to completely cut ties. However, remember that toxic or abusive patterns almost never change simply with time apart. It’s usually not recommended to consider rekindling things unless both of you have sought professional help that has led to significant behavioral change.

3.     Is your ex currently in a relationship?

Watching your ex move on can be difficult, especially if you yourself are still in the stage of grieving your relationship. Finding out that they have a new partner can be what makes you realize things are truly over, and can leave you feeling jealous or lonely. These feelings may make you want to lash out in anger and pain, or reach out to them for the emotional support they used to provide you. However, contacting your ex in this situation likely won’t bring you the relief you seek. It may also be unfair to them, potentially introducing confusion or upset into their new relationship.

If your ex is currently in a relationship, there are other ways to cope with your difficult feelings rather than texting them. If emotional support is what you’re seeking, lean on friends and family instead, or turn to a mental health professional. Trusted confidantes like these can remind you that your feelings, though intense, are temporary, and that you have the potential to be happy and even find love again in the future. It may also be helpful for you to avoid any indirect contact with your ex as you work through these emotions. Unfollowing them on social media, for example, may be a good idea.

4.     What’s your motivation for reaching out?

The reason you want to contact your ex can tell you a lot about whether you should. Do you want to apologize for things you regret? Do you want to make them jealous by telling them how well you’re doing without them? Do you miss the attention? If you’ve taken the time to honestly examine your motivations and you find that the reason you want to reach out is important and genuine, doing so may be appropriate. If you find otherwise, however, it may be best to avoid restarting communication.

Try to identify what the key emotions are behind your desire to reach out. Think about how you would feel if your ex reached out for the reason you’re considering, and whether you would consider it to be hurtful or helpful. Be honest with yourself and try to be as realistic as possible about the implications of reaching out for this reason.

5.     Will reaching out help, or make things worse?

Finally, consider if reaching out will truly benefit anyone, or whether it’s best to leave things as they are. Does initiating contact have true potential to change things in any meaningful way? Will you be disrespecting your ex’s boundaries by contacting them? Are you prepared for the possibility that they may not answer your text or calls, or that they will respond in a hurtful way?

If you want to contact your ex because there are things you feel you need to get off your chest, consider writing it all out in a letter first. Use it as an opportunity to express your emotions and organize your thoughts, and then leave it for a while. Come back to it later when your feelings have had time to lessen in intensity, and then you may be able to make a more rational decision about whether the points you expressed in the letter truly need to be said to your ex, or whether they’re best left in the past.

Strategies that may help you get over your ex

It’s normal for your ex to be on your mind after a breakup. In most cases, they were an important part of your life, and adjusting to that shift can take time. If you’re struggling with this process, there are some different tactics you can try instead of reaching out to them.

• Grieve the relationship. First, it’s often important to acknowledge your sadness and hurt feelings. A breakup is a type of loss, and grieving that loss is a key part of moving on for many people. This process looks different for everyone; try to give yourself the time and space to experience it. Do your best to be patient and gentle with yourself, and keep in mind that this phase and these feelings won’t last forever.
• Find points of gratitude. Next, it may be helpful to look back on your relationship with gratitude. If it was toxic or unhealthy, you can look to the future with hope and excitement about better relationships you may find next. If it was a generally positive relationship, you can look fondly on the good times you had and appreciate everything you learned. Sometimes, keeping the positives in mind can help you adopt a broader perspective about a difficult situation.
• Distract yourself. Finding healthy distractions can also help you in the process of moving on after a breakup. Focusing on your physical fitness is one suggestion, since research shows that “exercise improves mental health by reducing anxiety, depression, and negative mood and by improving self-esteem and cognitive function,” and that it has also been found to “alleviate symptoms such as low self-esteem and social withdrawal.” Since many people experience difficulties like these after a breakup, exercise is a common recommendation. You might also pick up a new hobby that gets you out of the house, join a club or group to meet new people, or focus on strengthening relationships with family and friends.
• Consider reaching out to a therapist. Finally, you may find it helpful to speak with a therapist. They can provide you with emotional support and help you process your breakup in a healthy way. A professional counselor can also help you identify healthy relationship patterns for the future, or learn more about yourself and what you want and need from a partnership. If you believe you may be experiencing mental health conditions like anxiety or depression in relation to your breakup, a therapist may provide the appropriate support for these as well.

Seeking therapy after a breakup

One study found that reflecting on a breakup can help speed up the timeline of a person’s healing process. A therapist can help you through this process so that it’s a constructive exercise. If you’re not sure about meeting with someone in person or are struggling to find the right therapist in your area, online therapy is an available option.

Research has shown that online therapy can feel more personal than traditional therapy, as 96 percent of people in one study who used online therapy reported feeling a personal connection with their online therapists as opposed to 91 percent who saw a therapist in person. If you’re interested in working through a recent breakup with the help of online therapy, consider BetterHelp. It’s a convenient, online counseling service that can connect you virtually with a licensed mental health professional. You can meet with your therapist from the comfort of your own home, and they can help you find the right tools to heal from your past relationship and move on in a healthy way. Below are some reviews of BetterHelp counselors from people who have experienced similar situations.

"He's not only provided me support but insight and encouragement to let me know I'm on a good path to self-improvement and discovery. Furthermore, Mark has provided me valuable insight on my romantic relationship, specifically with learning more about the relationship dynamics and how to build a stronger, healthier relationship."

"Rachael has helped me navigate the grief of a really tough breakup, listening to my concerns and trying to answer my questions. Quite literally saved my life."

Conclusion

When you are considering whether to contact your ex, there are a number of things to think about. You should be sure that you are doing it for the right reasons and that doing so won't further complicate your life or cause you more pain in the long term. A truly fulfilling and healthy relationship is possible – all you need are the right tools. Take the first step today.