I Try My Best: Why Am I Such A Loser?
By: Stephanie Kirby
Updated June 16, 2021
Medically Reviewed By: Rashonda Douthit , LCSW
Whether it’s a self-imposed title, or one other people have rudely given you, the‘loser’ label can negatively affect your life; and if you believe it’s accurate, that feelingof inadequacy can create a mindset that is difficult to overcome. However, it is possible to change how you feel about yourself with a few tips, and some help from others. This article will show you how.
Stay Away from Broad Generalizations
A broad generalization like loser can’t begin to describe you accurately, or entirely. You are a complex human being with talents and problems just like every other person on the planet. Remember that.
Something may have gone wrong recently, but that doesn’t mean your whole life is being derailed. Think of yourself the way that we think of athletes: an athlete can lose a single race or a game, but we still see them as successful. We always respect the effort they put into their careers. When we think about them, we consider how successful they’ve been in the past, and we know they’re likely to succeed again in the future.
If something went wrong for you recently, it can help to look at the work you’ve put into your life, your family, your career, etc. From this perspective, it’s easier to respect yourself and think positively about your actions, knowing this one thing is simply a blip in the grand scheme of things. When you look at specific positives about yourself instead of generalizing about the negatives, you can minimize what doesn’t work for you, and focus on what does.
Diversify Your Portfolio
One way to avoid generalizations is to have a rich, multifaceted life. If your job is your entire life,when something goes wrong at work, it can be easy to feel like a loser. If you are dedicated to your work, but you also have a fulfilling family life, good friends, and a hobby that matters to you, then you have much more to fall back on when something goes wrong in one of these areas.
Look for Your Winning Qualities
As mentioned above, you may feel like a loser because of something one person said, or because one thing went wrong. This can’t possibly provide a reliable picture of everything you do or everything you are. After all, your job, your social group, and your bank account don’t provide a complete picture of who you are as a person.
When an aspect of your life has you feeling down, pay attention to your best characteristics. You might feel like a loser, but undoubtedly, there are ways you show up in the world as a worthwhile person. Are you good at math, friendly to strangers, strong and healthy, or kind to your pets? Do you have other qualities that are valuable to yourself and others? It’s extremely unlikely that you are as one-dimensional as you believe. Remind yourself of the positive attributes you possess, and continue to practice them every day, even though that can seem hard when you’re feeling down.
List Your Achievements
In many ways, most societies view success as the default — it’s what’s expected of us. That means that, while you may have celebrated past successes, a current problem may have you feeling like a failure. One way to feel better is to focus on achievementsthat you may have taken for granted.
When were you most proud of yourself? When did others recognize your accomplishments? Focus on those times as you create a list of your life achievements. Then, no matter how short or long your list might be, congratulate yourself for doing well in those moments.
Connect With True Friends
True friends can validate you in ways that will help you recognize and appreciate your good qualities. The people you spend the most time with aren’t necessarily your truest friends, though. Now is a good time to build stronger friendships with people who can provide emotional support. If they express a beneficial mix of kindness and honesty, then they can change your life for the better.
It can also help to talk to your friends about hard times in their lives. Sometimes we feel like losers because we compare ourselves to other people. No two people are the same, however, and any successful person will tell you that there are times when they’ve struggled with their own shortcomings. You don’t have to go around asking people to share stories about their failures; just be open about yours, and chances are your friends will open up to you. This kind of conversation can be helpful to everyone, and can strengthen the bond between close friends.
Avoid Comparing Yourself With Others
Sometimes spending time with friends or even family members can contribute to you feeling like a loser. They may be at a high point in life where they’re experiencing unusual success. You may support them, but if you’re currently feeling like a loser, that won’t necessarily lift your mood, especially if you’re insecure about your accomplishments. It is important, however, to avoid comparing yourself to others.
Everyone is different, and everyone comes from different places. Sometimes it’s all too easy to look at another person’s success and ignore our own. This is especially true, once again, if you only look at one metric at a time. Maybe someone you know has a more prestigious job or a bigger paycheck than you, but perhaps they don’t have a family, or don’t volunteer as often as you do.
Check Your Mood
When people are experiencing a bout of depression, the world can look like a dark and lonely place. Even worse, they tend to blame themselves for the things that happen to them, even if they didn’t have any control over the way the situation played out. They exaggerate their faults and diminish their good qualities.
These thoughts and feelings can happen if something has recently gone wrong, but as long as you can recognize them and shake them off, you can prevent them from adversely affecting your life. If they last for a long time and don’t seem to have any cause, it may indicate something more serious.
If you find yourself constantly feeling as though you’re a loser, consider the idea that you might be suffering from depression. Look for signs like changes in appetite and sleep habits, feelings of sadness or regret, and thoughts of suicide. If you experience any of these symptoms, contact a licensed mental health professional immediately. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7, and the number to call is 1-800-273-8255.
BetterHelp Can Help
Sometimes, the erroneous idea that you’re a loser haunts you despite your best efforts to overcome it. At times like these, a therapist can help you deal with your feelings of inadequacy, so you can recognize your positive qualities. They can provide a well-tuned listening ear as well as helpful techniques for getting in touch with yourself and all of your wonderful qualities.
Online therapy has been proven to help manage feelings of inadequacy.A comprehensive study—conducted by Harvard University, and focused on depression symptoms—found that there are a number of advantages to internet-based cognitive-behavioral therapy (iCBT), when compared to traditional, face-to-face therapy. The study outlined several ways in which iCBT is beneficial for patients dealing with depression, including better access to care, lower therapy costs, and the ease of attending sessions online. It also cites a broad array of research that points to the efficacy of internet-based therapy and online resources when treating depression.
BetterHelpprovideds a discreet way of seeking care for your depression, anxiety, and/or other concerns stemming from a negative self-image. As opposed to traditional face-to-face therapy, which may seem uncomfortable due to existing confidence issues, you can privately reach out to therapists with BetterHelp. The fees for online therapy are also much lower than with traditional counseling. Because rent and other office expenses are eliminated, online therapy can be offered much cheaper. Be sure to read some of the reviews in the next section to see how others started thinking more positively about themselves after seeking therapy.
“I love how positive Lauren is and how she points out my strengths, but also lets me wallow in sadness when I need to. Her assurances are becoming ingrained in me.”
“Dr. Wilson has been great. He gives me tools to help between sessions. I always leave the session feeling better than I started. He’s kind and encouraging. I’m very thankful for him and BetterHelp which allows these sessions on a busy schedule.”
It can be easy to get stuck in negative mindsets that prevent us from feeling good about ourselves, especially if someone else calls you a “loser.” However, with the strategies provided in this article, including working with a counselor or therapist, you can improve your self-esteem and start feeling better. Take the first step today.
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