Dating As Your True Self
Finding someone who loves us fully for who we truly are can be challenging sometimes. Frustrated by the search, you may sometimes wonder, "Who will love me for me if I show my true self?" Many of us long for deep, authentic personal connections but fear others may not love and accept us completely for our true core selves. If this is something you're experiencing, read on for a few tips for loving yourself fully and opening yourself up to authentic connections with others as your true self.
When you yearn for love, you may try doing just about anything to find it, even if that means keeping your true self hidden. A desire to have the affection of a person in whom you are romantically interested can be an intense feeling, but when you hide your inner self, you're not allowing your potential partner to meet you in authenticity. If they don't know the real you, they can't love you for who you really are.
Showing our true self can be a scary and vulnerable reality, but it is necessary if we want to be loved for who we really are. Sometimes, we may fear showing our true selves to others because we have a low opinion of different aspects of ourselves such as our body or fear judgment and rejection from others. If you are seeking deep love and connection as your truest expression of self, you may consider some of the following tips for how to embrace your self-worth and open yourself up to deep connection as your real self:
There are many ways to cultivate self love, such as journaling, positive affirmations, self-care, art, practice yoga to build awareness of your true self, celebrating your accomplishments, and more, and you can try a variety of approaches to find something that works well for you. For example, one approach could be to take out a piece of paper and write down answers to the following questions: Describe what you like about yourself today, and what accomplishment you are proud of? You can take this day by day or try to list 10 positive characteristics as a single exercise. Then, read your list and notice how each item makes you feel. If you were reading this same list about another person, how might you feel toward that person? If they evoke love and positive emotions, remember that you can extend those same feelings to yourself.
If you realize that there are things you don't like about your innermost self during the process of self-reflection, that is okay, too. We are all works in progress. You can choose things you'd like to improve, too. You can identify the areas where you want to change and begin an true, heartfelt effort to improve those things, coming from a place of self-love and compassion. You can work towards an ideal self and fulfilling your full potential whilst recognizing, acknowledging, and loving your current self. Just like parents often love their child, you can love yourself through the different stages of life.
Getting past your fear of judgment
What concept or ideas are holding you back from being your true, authentic self? Oftentimes, people will say that they are afraid of being judged. If you identify with this notion, try to dig further: Why are you afraid of being judged? What makes judgment scary?
As you dig into this fear, you may realize that this fear of judgment shrinks as you create your own self worth. Sometimes, we may fear judgments from others because we are afraid that their perception of us is some indication of our true worth or value. But, as you work on self-love and establish a strong sense of self-worth and identity, you may start to see that it is not dependent on other people's approval. Your worth is inherent regardless of the world around you.
As you put your authentic self out there and engage in conversations, try your best to show your genuine self with others. You may ask yourself, "Am I being my true self?" Are you saying things that are true to you and line up with your value system? Are you telling things about yourself that are honest? Are you presenting a false version of the self out of fear, or can you loosen up and feel somewhat comfortable in your own skin? Are you having fun?
These are some of the questions you can ask yourself in the moment if you are struggling to let the real you shine through. If you find that you are not being your true self, you can always catch yourself and try again.
Coping with negative opinions from others
Not everyone will like everyone else, so rejection is possible—it is just a part of life. So, let's say you put your true self out there, and someone rejects you or expresses a negative opinion. This may sting at first, but then consider what it tells you: If someone has negative thoughts or opinions about the real you, is that someone you would actually want to be with, anyway?
Gaining support through therapy for your true self
If you want additional support with loving yourself more, cultivating healthy relationships, and finding the courage to put your true self out there, therapy can help.
Research shows that there is a link between self-esteem and our relationships. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, for example, found that high self-esteem enhances the quality of our relationships, and good relationships lead to a boost in self-esteem.
If you are experiencing low self-esteem or intense worry about how others perceive you, seeking help in person may feel a bit intimidating. For some, connecting with a therapist virtually through online therapy may be a little easier. Having the ability to attend sessions from the comfort of your own home can help you feel more comfortable.
Plus, research has found that online therapy can be a facilitating environment for increasing self-esteem. For instance, one research study evaluated an internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (ICBT) program for low self-esteem in adolescents. It found that the individuals who received the treatment showed "significantly higher levels of self-rated self-esteem" compared to the control group, concluding that "ICBT can be effective for treating low self-esteem in adolescents, decrease depression and anxiety levels, and increase quality of life."
Counselor reviews
Read these reviews from individuals working through similar concerns with BetterHelp counselors:
"Tammy has been super helpful and we've only had 2 sessions. Somehow, we get a lot done in 30 minutes and her suggestions for helping me with trauma and low self-esteem are so simple that it's amazing I couldn't think of them sooner! I appreciate her so much and highly recommend her."
"Yvonne helped me hone in on the root of the issues I was dealing with and helped provide me with tools to improve my outlook and self-esteem. She helped me realize the ways of thinking that were not serving me and take steps to overcome my fears and doubts. She's also been great at providing me with perspective. I have loved working with her and have received much solace. I highly recommend working with Yvonne!"
Takeaway
Many of us essentially desire authentic connection but fear others may not love us for our true selves. If this is something you're grappling with, you may consider some of the tips above, including cultivating greater self-love, getting past the fear of judgment, and putting your true self out there. For support with these and other concerns, reach out to a BetterHelp counselor to take the first step.
Frequently asked questions
Read more below for answers to questions commonly asked about being your authentic self.
Your true self is the most authentic version of you. It embodies your inner self, free from the expectations of society and other influences, which can help you live a more meaningful life. A person who lives according to their true or ideal self may experience a greater sense of well-being and live in a way that aligns with their true nature.
An example of a true self might be a college student who, in their heart, is compassionate and creative but is studying to work in a competitive, fact-driven field. As a result, they might not feel fulfilled because their true self is more aligned with their artistic passions. Balancing inner desires with external pressures is a common struggle among human beings.
The theory of the true self suggests that everyone has a core, authentic self. It also proposes that self-actualization is achieved when a person’s actions and life choices are congruent with this true self concept. The theory often contrasts the “true self” with the “false self”, which is a facade a person creates to meet the expectations of others. However, the theory of the true self is often disputed as being subjective and non-observable in psychological science.
Discovering your true self generally involves a deeper look into your goals, desires, and values. It often requires self-awareness and noticing when you feel most genuine and at peace. Activities like journaling, mindfulness, and therapy may help with exploring your true self and pursuing ventures that offer more meaning in life. Still, not everyone discovers their true self in the same way.
Your true self is revealed through your actions, choices, and how you react in various situations. Often, you might act the most authentic when you're not playing a role and your true human nature can shine through. It can also be revealed in other aspects of life, such as stressful situations and challenges, where your responses might more closely reflect your true character.
The concept of the true self is sometimes related to the soul, especially in philosophical or spiritual beliefs. Some people might view the true self as the essence of a person beyond their physical body. However, the true self might also represent genuine personality traits, values, and desires, not necessarily a spiritual being.
The eight characteristics of the true self could include authenticity, self-awareness, empathy, resilience, open-mindedness, integrity, creativity, and the ability to have deep connections. These characteristics often show a greater sense of self that aligns with a person’s core beliefs and values.
The self often refers to the persona we present to the world, which is often influenced by societal expectations. In contrast, the real self or true self is who we are at our core, without external pressures. It often includes being in touch with genuine emotions, values, and desires.
The term “narcissistic true self” is a bit of a misnomer, as narcissism typically involves an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy to hide a person’s insecurities. In contrast, the true self is genuine and authentic, not guided by the ego or a need for external validation.
Yes, everyone has a true self. It's the part of you that's authentic and genuine, encompassing your most important values, passions, and beliefs. Discovering and expressing your true self can be a key aspect of personal growth and self-actualization, which can promote a more meaningful and satisfying life.
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