Dating As Your True Self

Medically reviewed by Julie Dodson, MA, LCSW
Updated October 14, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Finding someone who loves us fully for who we truly are can be challenging sometimes. Frustrated by the search, you may sometimes wonder, "Who will love me for me if I show my true self?" Many of us long for deep, authentic personal connections but fear others may not love and accept us completely for our true core selves. If this is something you're experiencing, read on for a few tips for loving yourself fully and opening yourself up to authentic connections with others as your true self. 

AGUSTÍN FARIAS
Putting yourself out there can be daunting at times
Who will love me for me instead of my false self? 

When you yearn for love, you may try doing just about anything to find it, even if that means keeping your true self hidden. A desire to have the affection of a person in whom you are romantically interested can be an intense feeling, but when you hide your inner self, you're not allowing your potential partner to meet you in authenticity. If they don't know the real you, they can't love you for who you really are. 

Showing our true self can be a scary and vulnerable reality, but it is necessary if we want to be loved for who we really are. Sometimes, we may fear showing our true selves to others because we have a low opinion of different aspects of ourselves such as our body or fear judgment and rejection from others. If you are seeking deep love and connection as your truest expression of self, you may consider some of the following tips for how to embrace your self-worth and open yourself up to deep connection as your real self: 

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Learning to love your authentic self
Many of us are unnecessarily hard on ourselves sometimes, and the fear that others may not love us for who we are deep down could stem from our own negative views of ourselves.

We may feel unworthy of love as our true self, so we believe we have to hide that true self to be loved by others. If this is something you're experiencing, learning to love yourself more may be a valuable first step.

There are many ways to cultivate self love, such as journaling, positive affirmations, self-care, art, practice yoga to build awareness of your true self, celebrating your accomplishments, and more, and you can try a variety of approaches to find something that works well for you. For example, one approach could be to take out a piece of paper and write down answers to the following questions: Describe what you like about yourself today, and what accomplishment you are proud of? You can take this day by day or try to list 10 positive characteristics as a single exercise. Then, read your list and notice how each item makes you feel. If you were reading this same list about another person, how might you feel toward that person? If they evoke love and positive emotions, remember that you can extend those same feelings to yourself.

If you realize that there are things you don't like about your innermost self during the process of self-reflection, that is okay, too. We are all works in progress. You can choose things you'd like to improve, too. You can identify the areas where you want to change and begin an true, heartfelt effort to improve those things, coming from a place of self-love and compassion. You can work towards an ideal self and fulfilling your full potential whilst recognizing, acknowledging, and loving your current self. Just like parents often love their child, you can love yourself through the different stages of life.

Getting past your fear of judgment

What concept or ideas are holding you back from being your true, authentic self? Oftentimes, people will say that they are afraid of being judged. If you identify with this notion, try to dig further: Why are you afraid of being judged? What makes judgment scary?

As you dig into this fear, you may realize that this fear of judgment shrinks as you create your own self worth. Sometimes, we may fear judgments from others because we are afraid that their perception of us is some indication of our true worth or value. But, as you work on self-love and establish a strong sense of self-worth and identity, you may start to see that it is not dependent on other people's approval. Your worth is inherent regardless of the world around you.

With that said, it is also important to note that sometimes, fear of judgment from others could stem from an anxiety disorder, such as social anxiety disorder. If this is the case, you can speak with a mental health professional for additional support.  
Putting your true self out there

As you put your authentic self out there and engage in conversations, try your best to show your genuine self with others. You may ask yourself, "Am I being my true self?" Are you saying things that are true to you and line up with your value system? Are you telling things about yourself that are honest? Are you presenting a false version of the self out of fear, or can you loosen up and feel somewhat comfortable in your own skin? Are you having fun?

These are some of the questions you can ask yourself in the moment if you are struggling to let the real you shine through. If you find that you are not being your true self, you can always catch yourself and try again. 

Coping with negative opinions from others

Not everyone will like everyone else, so rejection is possible—it is just a part of life. So, let's say you put your true self out there, and someone rejects you or expresses a negative opinion. This may sting at first, but then consider what it tells you: If someone has negative thoughts or opinions about the real you, is that someone you would actually want to be with, anyway? 

Wouldn't it be more meaningful to be with someone who knows and loves the real you? We are all different and unique individuals with our own preferences, so it stands to reason that not everyone will be a good match for you, and that's okay. There are plenty of other people out there to get to know, many of whom will probably like you for who you really are. 

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Putting yourself out there can be daunting at times

Gaining support through therapy for your true self

If you want additional support with loving yourself more, cultivating healthy relationships, and finding the courage to put your true self out there, therapy can help. 

Research shows that there is a link between self-esteem and our relationships. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, for example, found that high self-esteem enhances the quality of our relationships, and good relationships lead to a boost in self-esteem.

If you are experiencing low self-esteem or intense worry about how others perceive you, seeking help in person may feel a bit intimidating. For some, connecting with a therapist virtually through online therapy may be a little easier. Having the ability to attend sessions from the comfort of your own home can help you feel more comfortable. 

Plus, research has found that online therapy can be a facilitating environment for increasing self-esteem. For instance, one research study evaluated an internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (ICBT) program for low self-esteem in adolescents. It found that the individuals who received the treatment showed "significantly higher levels of self-rated self-esteem" compared to the control group, concluding that "ICBT can be effective for treating low self-esteem in adolescents, decrease depression and anxiety levels, and increase quality of life." 

"Jecinta has been so helpful, I really needed someone to help drag me out this hole and give me tools to use daily to help me rebuild myself and my confidence. I also learned a lot about myself and the words and language I use about myself without evening knowing how much I was putting myself down and blaming myself for everything. I am learning to rewire my brain and look at myself in a new light. Jecinta is sent from above, I trust her fully. Thank you for listening and hearing me."
— BetterHelp member’s review of their therapist

Takeaway

Many of us essentially desire authentic connection but fear others may not love us for our true selves. If this is something you're grappling with, you may consider some of the tips above, including cultivating greater self-love, getting past the fear of judgment, and putting your true self out there. For support with these and other concerns, reach out to a BetterHelp counselor to take the first step.

You are deserving of positive self-esteem
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