BetterHelp’s Reddit AMA on Motherhood: Real Questions, Real Answers

Mother’s Day tends to arrive with a particular kind of pressure. There are flowers and brunches and the expectation of warmth, and underneath all of it, for a lot of women, something far more complicated. New mothers still finding their footing. Mothers carrying the quiet grief of pregnancy loss. Women who wanted to be mothers and aren’t yet, or aren’t sure they ever will be. The holiday can be joyful and painful at the same time, and too often those two things don’t get to exist together in the same conversation.

That’s part of what BetterHelp’s Motherhood With You series was designed to make room for. Hosted by Sonni Williams, LPC, PMH-C, a Licensed Professional Counselor and Perinatal Mental Health Counselor, the three-episode original series follows real mothers through the chapters of the journey: expecting and new moms, moms of kids and teens, and empty nesters and grandmothers. The series doesn’t package motherhood as a single experience. It treats it as the layered, sometimes contradictory, deeply personal thing it actually is.

In that same spirit, Williams took that conversation directly to the public on May 8, hosting a live Reddit AMA on r/mentalhealth in the week leading up to Mother’s Day, hosted through the u/BetterHelpTherapy account. For two hours, she fielded questions from new mothers, partners, people working through pregnancy loss, and others navigating the parts of parenthood that don’t always get airtime. Her framing at the start set the tone: “I believe therapy is a lifestyle, not a crisis response, and I want to spend today having the kind of honest, real conversation that women actually need.”

The questions that came in ranged from practical to deeply personal. What are the early signs of postpartum depression that tend to get missed? How do you hold onto yourself after becoming a mother? What can a partner actually do when someone they love won’t ask for help? Below are some of the most meaningful exchanges from the session, lightly edited for clarity.

Preparing for Postpartum Before the Baby Arrives

Q: Are there things you can do during pregnancy to lower the chances of postpartum depression?

A: There's not exactly a way to completely eliminate the risk, but you can put some things in place for yourself proactively. Awareness and preparation are essential to mitigating risk. I always stress the importance of creating a support plan for the mothers and birthing people that I work with. A support plan looks like identifying who is helping, when they're helping, and how. You should also prioritize sleep, sleep and more sleep. Sleep is not a luxury during the postpartum period but rather a health necessity. Being aware of your mental health history is also helpful. People who already have certain mental health conditions like anxiety or depression are more likely to experience postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. Being open and honest with your provider about your mental health history can help you both prepare a plan for after the baby arrives.

What Postpartum Depression Actually Looks Like

Q: What are early signs of PPD that are often missed? I have friends who didn't realize what was happening to them and didn't have a good group of other mom-friends to lean on.

A: I'm sorry that your friends had to go through that. Support is so important during this time period. One of the key things is timeline. If it happens within the first couple of weeks, that is the Baby Blues period that you might hear people talk about, and it's extremely common. If symptoms persist after that first couple of weeks, you may need more support. The changes new moms or birthing people experience are not always big dramatic changes, but they can be changes in functioning and not just mood. Here is a list of common symptoms to be on the lookout for: increased irritability, feeling disconnected or like you're on autopilot, trouble sleeping or resting, feelings of heaviness and low mood, and consistent weepiness or tearfulness.

Q: What's the difference between postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety? Can you have both?

A: There are a few things to consider when looking at postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. Postpartum Support International groups these under PMADs (Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders) because they often overlap. With postpartum depression you might notice numbness, disconnection, and low energy. With postpartum anxiety you might notice racing thoughts, constant worry, and not being able to relax. You can have both, and many people do. I experienced both after the birth of my second son.

Q: How do you tell the difference between normal postpartum hormone changes and actual PPD?

A: First, "normal" is subjective and it's important to figure out your baseline of normal. On average, you might hear a lot of people being told to give it a couple of weeks because baby blues is considered normal and usually resolves itself within about 10 to 14 days postpartum. This could include tearfulness, sadness, and mood swings. If these things persist beyond that, it might be time to explore resources and support.

Postpartum Beyond the First Few Months

Q: My sister is two years postpartum and she struggles more with emotional regulation now than before kids. Could this be a postpartum issue even after two years?

A: At two years postpartum, I would probably think less in terms of "Is this technically postpartum?" and more in terms of "Has motherhood fundamentally impacted her mental health and nervous system?" For many women, the answer to the second question is yes. The pressure of caregiving, lack of support, identity changes, chronic overstimulation, and mental load can absolutely affect emotional regulation long-term, especially if there was anxiety, trauma, or depression in the mix all along. A lot of people think postpartum mental health challenges only exist in the first few months after birth, but the transition into motherhood can impact someone for years. Motherhood changes the brain, body, routines, and emotional bandwidth in a profound way. It's not uncommon for people to not fully recognize they've been struggling until much later because they've normalized functioning in survival mode.

When Professional Support Becomes Necessary

Q: At what point does postpartum anxiety become something that requires professional intervention rather than just lifestyle adjustments?

A: When your anxiety gets to the point of being overwhelming or if you become limited in your functioning due to postpartum anxiety, then you should seek professional support. For example, if you constantly worry about your baby becoming sick and you take precautions around not keeping your baby out in public for long spans of time or limiting interactions with other people, I would consider that to be within normal range. However, if your anxiety over your baby becoming sick keeps you from taking your baby anywhere and not letting anyone around your baby, including your partner, then I would suggest starting to explore resources and options to get support.

Pregnancy Loss, Abortion, and Complicated Grief

Q: I was 19 when I had an abortion, and my family doesn't recognize it as a loss. I just wish it was recognized more. Like yes I did carry a child. Is that normal? I am not sure if this is a question you can answer.

A: What you're describing is very hard and I'm sorry your family does not recognize or see you in the way that you would like. Your feelings, whatever they are, remain true and valid. Abortion can be so stigmatized that many people never get the acknowledgment or support they actually needed. People can often act like you are not "allowed" to grieve if the pregnancy did not end in birth. That's not fair to you, because your body still went through a pregnancy and your life still changed. What you're describing can fall under what is known as complicated grief, or disenfranchised grief. This type of grief is one that society does not fully validate or make space for. When grief like this happens: people question whether they're "allowed" to feel it, emotions get pushed down instead of processed, and anniversaries, motherhood conversations, or family dynamics can reopen wounds years later. You are not wrong for feeling the way that you do and I hope moving forward you're gentle with yourself.

Holding onto Identity Through Motherhood

Q: I struggle with wanting to keep my identity as an individual and equally as a mother. Sometimes I feel the world is asking me to choose one or the other. How does one work to hold both?

A: This is something I work with my expecting moms on very early on. The fact is that you will change after childbirth, there's no way around it. But I always ask this one question: "What are 2 to 3 things that you want to protect about your identity going into this next season?" Once we identify those things, we keep them front and center in our work and make plans to keep them in place after the baby. For me and silly as it sounds, it was keeping my standing nail appointments. You can't manage what you don't monitor, and having a few specific things that you want to keep for yourself are important. Also, don't let the world make you choose. You get to decide how you want to show up in motherhood.

How Partners Can Help

Q: My partner just had our baby and I can tell something is not right but she keeps saying she is fine. As her partner I feel completely helpless. What can I actually do to help her?

A: The main thing is to focus on what is actionable and helpful. One important thing to note is that your partner needs rest and sleep. However you can protect that, start there. It's also helpful to take over day to day logistics, including figuring out meals and household chores. Your job is not to solve what your partner is going through, but you can sit with them without trying to "fix it" or help find resources even if they are resistant at first.

Q: My daughter is experiencing perinatal anxiety. I don't know how to help her. What can I do?

A: If your daughter hasn't reached out for support yet, I would start there and encourage her to do so. As her mom, you can offer support by listening to her and validating what she's experiencing. I wouldn't try to "fix" it but rather walk alongside her and show up for her. Showing up could look like sitting with her, listening to her fears and concerns without judgment, helping her talk through potential solutions around the things causing her the most anxiety. The main thing is to be present and let her know she's not alone during this season.

Navigating a Complicated Mother's Day

Q: As someone who has experienced multiple pregnancy losses, I've been in a bad head space about Mother's Day for weeks. Do you have any tips on navigating the day successfully with the family members in my life who deserve my time and attention, when all I want to do is hide from the world?

A: I appreciate you for sharing and bringing this up. It's important to say that everyone does not look forward to Mother's Day and in fact it's quite hard for a lot of people to navigate. I would start by being gentle with yourself and giving yourself some grace. Just because you feel like the mothers and other women in your life deserve your time and attention, it doesn't mean you're capable of doing some big grand gesture or even necessarily showing up in the way you might want to. I would suggest you sit down and make a list of all the things you would like to do for them and then take that list and figure out what's feasible for you at this time. Maybe instead of spending the day with them, you send flowers or a sweet message and a promise to celebrate at a later date. You are in a period of grief and mourning, and if you want to spend the day holding yourself, then you should give yourself permission to do just that.

A Final Note from Sonni Williams

Williams closed the session with a message to everyone who showed up: "Motherhood, parenthood, and the postpartum experience are deeply personal, layered, and sometimes difficult topics to navigate. I'm grateful for your thoughtful questions, your honesty, and your willingness to show up in this space. The more we talk openly about these experiences, the more supported, connected, and healed we become. Wishing you all gentleness, joy, and support this Mother's Day and beyond."

The full Motherhood With You series explores parenthood through three episodes covering topics from new moms to grandmothers, with additional resources, community groups, and access to licensed therapists available directly through the platform. 

The complete AMA thread, including additional questions and responses not featured here, is available to read on the r/mentalhealth subreddit. Sonni Williams, LPC, PMH-C, is a BetterHelp therapist specializing in perinatal mental health. 

Follow u/BetterHelpTherapy on Reddit for future conversations and AMAs.

Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing a perinatal mental health crisis, contact a qualified healthcare provider or call a crisis line immediately. This Q&A has been lightly edited for length and clarity.