Emotional Responses To Therapy: Feeling Hate Towards Your Therapist

The therapy process can bring up intense emotions.Attending therapy with a provider you don’t like or have developed negative feelings toward can be challenging. In many cases, it may be possible to switch therapists and find a more appropriate fit. However, if you’re in a situation where you’re mandated to attend therapy or your therapist has disrespected you in some way, it may seem like you cannot move past your feelings about this individual in order to experience effective therapy. 

There are a few reasons you might feel hatred for your therapist. Moreover, there may be many methods to help you move forward with treatment. Thanks to a 22% growth in psychological careers in 2023, there are thousands of therapists entering the field and many providers to choose from. If you find that you don’t match with one therapist, it may be beneficial to try another. This article addresses the reasons you might feel negatively toward your therapist and what you can do to ensure you still get the support you need. 

Understanding emotional responses to therapy and identifying potential sources of psychological tension

The connection between a client and therapist, often referred to as the therapeutic relationship or therapeutic alliance, is a significant relationship.Hating your therapist may be uncomfortable, and each person can have different reasons for feeling this way. Below are a few potential reasons you may experience hatred toward a provider, as well as ways to cope with these emotions.

Feeling disrespected

Feeling disrespected by someone you’ve trusted to support your mental health can be painful and confusing. If your therapist demonstrates any of the following behaviors, they may be acting disrespectfully: 

• Ignoring you when you speak
• Interrupting you mid-thought 
• Judging your experiences 
• Telling you that you didn’t experience what you know you did 
• Talking to your family members, boss, or friends without consent 
• Not accommodating a disability (e.g., the need for a service dog in a public building) 
• Ignoring your boundaries about topics you don’t feel comfortable discussing 
• Pushing you to act in ways you’re uncomfortable with 
• Arguing with you about subjects instead of remaining impartial 
• Taking sides with others in your life

If you are being disrespected by a clinical psychology professional, feeling frustrated, irritated, or upset with them is a valid response. Addressing your discomfort with their behavior may be a good first step in these cases. If your provider continues to treat you poorly, you might consider finding a new therapist. 

Disrespect toward a client is often frowned upon in other industries, and in a “helping profession” like counseling, it can be especially harmful to a client’s mental health. For this reason, it can be important to address any disrespect immediately. Doing so can protect your boundaries, mental health, and personal goals for therapy and help you walk away from sessions with positive feelings.

A poor match with your mental health therapist

In some cases, a therapist might not be a proper match. Therapists have unique personalities, goals, and areas of expertise, and each one is different. A therapist’s emotions or demeanor could have clinical implications.  If you’ve met with a therapist who lacks experience in your area of concern or someone with a personality that clashes with your own, you might have difficulty communicating with them about your needs. 

For example, a client who prefers direct communication and interactive sessions might not fit with a therapist who takes a “sit back and listen” approach. Moreover, you might feel anger toward your therapist if they offer suggestions or treatments that don’t match your preferences. 

If this is the case, you could benefit from setting a boundary with your therapist about the type of care you’re seeking. Let them know you’re uncomfortable and need a different approach.

Symptoms of a mental health condition, such as personality disorders

For some clients, symptoms of a mental health condition, like personality disorders or other mental disorders, can contribute to less than positive emotions about their therapist. Suppose you’re experiencing mood-related symptoms because of a condition like a depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or a personality disorder, for instance. In this case, you might associate your feelings of sadness, irritation, or distress with your therapist as you discuss complex subjects. 

Some clients may find that they don’t really hate their therapist. Instead, they may experience distressing emotions when they talk about difficult subjects, such as past trauma, before they are ready. If a therapist brings up an emotional trigger, the client may lash out in anger. If you feel hatred or anger toward your therapist, ask yourself whether you might be angry at the situation or the topic at hand and not at your therapist directly.

Psychological projection in therapy

At times, a client may project their experiences with other people in their lives onto their therapist. For example, if their therapist reminds them of an unkind parent or a teacher who harmed them as a child, they might believe their therapist will treat them similarly. This type of projection is referred to as “transference” and can occur in therapist-client relationships. 

If you’re experiencing transference with your therapist, ask yourself what it is about the provider that reminds you of others in your life. You can also let your therapist know what you’re experiencing so they can provide strategies to help you cope with these feelings. In some cases, your therapist might suggest another provider more suited to your needs. 

An ineffective therapeutic modality 

Within the broad categories of individual therapy, family therapy, and couples therapy, there are over 400 therapeutic modalities that can be practiced. You might find that one modality is less effective than another for your needs. For example, if your therapist uses cognitive-behavioral therapy for your PTSD, but you find EMDR more effective, you might not benefit as much from your sessions. 

If you’re experiencing this problem, ask your therapist if they can change strategies. Some therapists aren’t trained in multiple modalities, so you may decide to change therapists to find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’d like to try. 

Unethical behavior 

Although rare, therapists may sometimes overstep boundaries and act unethically. When therapists work with a board, they agree to the ethical standards and requirements outlined by the American Psychological Association (APA) or American Counseling Association (ACA). These requirements often align with the requirements of state boards within the US.

Ethical violations in therapy sessions may include the following: 

• Inappropriate touching 
• Initiating a romantic or sexual relationship with a client 
• Taking on a client who they previously dated or had a sexual relationship with within the past ten years 
• Taking on a client who is related to them or someone they know
• Violating a client’s right to discretion 
• Countertransference, where the therapist associates the client with someone they know 
• Heavy self-revelation (i.e., talking about themselves often) 
• Asking the client to keep a secret about a crime 
• Trying to become friends with the client outside of sessions
• Unethical billing or stealing money
• Termination of services without communication when a client requires further support 
• Discussing a client’s information with their family members or friends without consent 
• Reaching out to a client’s doctor, hospital, or prior therapists without consent 
• Not reporting child abuse, domestic violence, or thoughts of suicide 

If you feel hatred toward your therapist due to unethical, non-consensual, or abusive behavior from them, you’re not alone. In these cases, it can be important to end therapy and reach out for support. You may also consider reporting any ethical violations to the state licensing board.

How therapists understand and respond to client emotions

Therapists receive specialized training regarding how to respond to clients’ emotional reactions; still, mental health professionals are human, and their own emotions can come into play. 

Therapists’ emotional reactions and countertransference

The subconscious emotional responses therapists have toward a client may be referred to as countertransference feelings. Traditionally, therapists’ feelings in session were considered an obstacle to overcome, but this view has recently been challenged. According to the American Psychiatric Association, experienced therapists can use countertransference to inform their approach to therapy, possibly improving patient outcomes and treatment planning.

How therapist responsiveness affects patient outcomes

Research on the therapeutic dyad shows that therapists’ emotional reactions play a role in patient outcomes. In one study, forty patient therapist dyads participated in weekly sessions of supportive expressive psychotherapy. Treated patients and therapists rated responsiveness and attunement after each session. 

Moreover, therapists filled out a self-report questionnaire before and after each session, noting how they were feeling, specifically in the area of one positive feeling (i.e., therapists’ parental feelings) and one negative feeling (i.e., therapists’ inadequate feelings). A review of patients’ post-session ratings examined therapists’ feelings and how they colored the session. Results indicated that therapists’ feelings impacted patients’ ratings of the session, especially in the areas of therapist empathy and therapist attunement. However, results only affected therapists’ ratings negatively in the area of helpfulness. 

Skills for managing intense emotions during therapy

Generally, therapy can be a safe space for emotional expression. However, there may be times when it is valuable for patients to learn emotional regulation skills. 

Emotion regulation and distress tolerance

For some people, the possibility of experiencing distressing emotions may be a deterrent to psychodynamic psychotherapy. Helping clients manage emotions and learn distress tolerance can enable them to continue their progress in therapy. 

Cognitive restructuring and reframing thoughts

Cognitive restructuring, also known as cognitive reframing, may be one of several effective coping skills patients can use to regulate emotions. This technique involves identifying negative thought patterns that cause distress and then reframing them, making them more helpful than distressing.

Calming techniques to regulate the nervous system

In therapy, you can also learn emotion regulation strategies such as relaxation and calming techniques. These can effectively calm the nervous system, reducing uncomfortable physical sensations and helping you remain in control of your emotions. Examples can include: 

• Deep breathing exercises
• Grounding techniques
• Progressive muscle relaxation

Emotional co-regulation

Emotional co-regulation is a technique commonly used by parents to help their children regulate emotions. Therapists can use this strategy with adult patients to help them cope with distressing feelings as they arise in the present moment. A positive patient outcome associated with emotion co-regulation may depend on: 

• Therapist attunement
• Therapist empathy
• Nonverbal cues
• Validation
• Somatic awareness
• Use of therapy tools such as a feeling word checklist
• Teaching clients emotion regulation skills

Coping with psychological and personality disorders: Finding the right mental health therapist 

Whether you are experiencing symptoms of borderline personality disorder, anxiety, or anything in between, if you’ve experienced a conflict with a therapist and feel uncertain about returning to therapy, you might benefit from alternative counseling methods such as online therapy. 

Understanding emotional responses to therapy: How online therapy can help you avoid asking, “Why do I hate my therapist?”

If you’re looking for a new provider, platforms like BetterHelp can offer cost-effective, accessible, and convenient counseling services. You can often get started within 48 hours of signing up, and you can match with a therapist who meets your preference for specialty, therapeutic goals, and identity-related needs. If you don’t connect with your therapist, you can switch providers until you find someone who is the right fit for you.

Benefits of online cognitive behavioral therapy, solution-focused therapy, and other types of online therapy 

Studies have found that many clients feel more comfortable with online therapy compared to in-person options, and four out of every ten Americans have used telehealth counseling for their mental health needs since 2021. With telehealth’s popularity, it can be a compelling choice for those who prefer distance from a therapist.