When it comes to improving marriages, one of the ways to do so is through imago relationship therapy. Imago couples therapy transforms conflicts between a couple into something that's healing. Both partners finish therapy with a deeper and loving connection and are eager to continue their lifelong journey together. Find out how imago couples online therapy can benefit your relationship.
Imago relationship therapy sessions are based on our "imago" or the "unconscious image of a love that's familiar." In other words, people seek a romantic relationship that either mirrors the love they received from their parents or hope will heal their childhood wounds. Much of the conflict that occurs in relationships is due to expecting that one’s partner will fulfill their needs in a certain way, but that expectation is not met. If these expectations and needs are not met, it can make each partner wonder if they chose the right mate.
For example, suppose a person had a difficult childhood where they were criticized by their parents often. When their partner criticizes them, they may be very sensitive to that criticism and experience intense feelings and worry about being abandoned. Though they hoped and expected that their partner would not be critical of them, that expectation did not match reality. Therefore, they may wonder if this is the right mate for them. As a result, the relationship may experience more emotional instability, and both partners may experience less relationship satisfaction. These issues that come up are “core issues,” which are the primary focus of healing in the relationship.
Therefore, problems in a person’s early life, as well as their partner’s childhood experiences, can create conflict and emotional problems in the relationship. In fact, much of the conflict found in adult relationships is rooted in painful experiences of the past and early attachments. This is particularly true for anyone who experienced domestic violence or neglect in their childhood.
Furthermore, because people seek relationships in order to heal, they may be drawn to incompatible people as conflict often brings opportunities for healing.
Through the use of imago relationships therapy, couples can gain a deeper understanding of each other’s feelings and process those childhood wounds so that they're not affecting the relationship. Imago relationship therapy teaches couples how to be in a conscious relationship and how to offer each other support and validation for their concerns and vulnerability.
Who Developed Imago Relationship Therapy?
Imago was developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1980. They named it after the Latin word for “image,” as this therapy focuses on the unconscious image of familiar love. They helped thousands of couples over decades facilitate healing of their marriage and were even able to repair their own marriage using their own exercises and theories.
Imago relationship therapy exploded in popularity after Dr. Hendrix and Dr. Hunt published the New York Times bestselling book Getting The Love You Want. They provide numerous courses on this type of therapy, published more New York Times bestsellers on the subject, and even appeared on Oprah.
How Effective Is Imago Relationship Therapy?
Is imago relationship therapy effective, or is it just another fad promoted by a New York Times bestselling book? Typically the effectiveness of a type of therapy is determined in a randomized controlled trial and peer-reviewed studies. However, this form of therapy is relatively new. Therefore, there have only been a few peer-reviewed studies and trials of imago relationship therapy.
In 2016, a study trial of imago relationship therapy was published in Family Journal. The results of the study showed that imago relationship therapy helped couples experience increased empathy and relationship satisfaction. This was one of the first clinical studies that showed imago therapy to be a success and positively impact relationships.
In 2017 a controlled trial of imago relationship therapy was conducted by John Carroll University. The study included 12 sessions over 12 weeks of imago relationship therapy. After the randomized control trial, the researchers reported that couples did experience increased satisfaction in their marriages. However, the increases were not clinically significant.
Luckily, another randomized controlled trial of imago relationship therapy is set to complete in the summer of 2022. During this randomized controlled trial, one group of couples will receive 12 weeks of imago relationship therapy with a trained imago therapist while the other group will not receive treatment. Instead, they will get a copy of the New York Times bestseller How To Get The Love You Want after 12 weeks of no treatment or intervention.
For now, if you really want to know the effectiveness of imago relationship therapy, then you should look at the reviews of the New York Times bestselling book How To Get The Love You Want. To date, it has sold millions of copies over the years, with many readers reporting significant improvements in their relationships.
Imago therapy helps couples create a conscious relationship by shifting the focus from blaming each other and being reactive to showing support, empathy, and understanding. This helps couples create a deeper and loving connection with one another and gain more understanding of each other’s feelings. The knowledge that comes with therapy offers opportunities to deepen emotional intimacy and strengthens the relationship.
You should consider imago therapy if you are struggling with your relationship or marriage and believe that you or your partner’s childhood feelings and experiences are causing unhealthy relationship patterns. Though imago has been primarily used to help with marriages, it can be beneficial to long-term relationships as well as premarital couples.
However, both you and your partner must consciously seek to work towards improving the relationship. Imago relationship therapy is not passive work. Both partners must put effort into the relationship as well as themselves. Many therapists will encourage you to work on your own negative traits in addition to working on the relationship, so you may be guided to try individual therapy in conjunction with imago. This is so that you can work on your core issues, as they are the primary factors in your relationship patterns and emotional experiences. If one partner is not willing to put in the work, it will be much harder for imago therapy to succeed.
Instead of talking to an imago therapist, some people prefer to try out imago therapy through a workshop setting. Couples will go to group settings outside of their home to learn some of the exercises and techniques of imago relationship therapy. These include learning different dialogue activities to have a better, more meaningful conversation, explore their emotions, reconnect on a deeper level, and allow them to feel more positive about each other. However, many couples decide to continue their work by seeking imago therapy after finishing these workshops.
The basic theory of imago therapy is that our earliest relationships impact our adult life. Imago therapy involves creating a unique system that improves imago relationships. We are all born complete and whole. But, in the early nurturing and socializing stages, we get hurt, most of the time by our caretakers. For example, you may have experienced difficulties in childhood. Imago therapy will build the positive and the negative aspects you've unconsciously associated with your primary caretakers, leading to positive imago relationships. This is the image, and in essence, that's the blueprint that we need to put forward and the one that we need to have in front of our partner in an intimate imago relationship.
Imago relationship therapy utilizes a few techniques to help couples develop a more loving connection. These include:
The exact methods you will use in therapy will be tailored specifically to you and your partner’s needs. Your imago therapist will come up with techniques and a plan that makes sense for you and your partner’s needs.
By conducting this work, you and your partner are likely to see many benefits in your marriage and your own behavior. Some of these benefits may include:
The overall goal of imago therapy is to align the conscious mind with the agenda in the unconscious mind. Our conscious mind usually has the good feelings that we have, and the unconscious mind usually wants healing and growth, sometimes not done in a positive sense. We want to build intimate, committed relationships in a conscious sense. The transition can't be done with insight, though. While we may be able to identify some of these negative aspects, we actually need to build the skills.
For example, you may be able to figure out that you've always been looking for your partner to always be there for you because you fear abandonment. Engaging in healing so that you can shift from the unconscious marriage to a conscious marriage and relationship will help you provide you with more safety and passion within your relationship.
However, every couple is different. Each set of partners will experience unique conflict or struggles within their relationship. Furthermore, each of the partners within the relationship may have their own negative traits to work through, such as lack of empathy or emotional instability, or even more serious issues like substance use or other addictive behaviors. Your imago therapist will help the two of you develop a therapy goal that makes sense to your situation.
Imago relationship therapy can take some time. Unlike some other types of therapy, it takes an average of 2-5 years of regular work to bring yourself the relationship that you deserve. In order to reach a successful relationship, you should be willing to work with your current partner.
If couples constantly blame, criticize, or react negatively to their partners, it may be because they have an unfulfilled goal of healing. That's where imago relationship therapy comes in. Within this, you transform the negative feelings of being unfulfilled into one that's much more empathetic. It can help with the short-term success of a relationship.
But, if you're in a relationship where you feel unfulfilled by your partner, how you feel like everything is kind of just at a standstill, where you feel like you're more negative with your partner than you have been in the past because you feel like something is missing, then imago therapy may work for you. It can touch on these inner problems and, from there, allow you to have a great feeling for your relationship, and it's a means to have a better, much happier relationship that you'll enjoy too.
If you feel like the advice of a therapist could save your marriage because it helps to tackle some of the blame and criticism that you may have had in the past, then you might consider seeking professional support. It can make a huge difference in your life, in the fact that you're learning more about yourself and others as well. Imago therapy is quite helpful with understanding some of the negative aspects of your past and how it can affect you, and from there, you'll be able to create a life that's better for you and one that's more fulfilled as well. A marriage doesn't have to always be healing, but it's helpful to understand and care for your partner, and imago therapy is a great way to help change your relationship.
What is the Imago method?
Imago relationship therapy (IRT) is a form of couples therapy or family therapy and is a method based on the unconscious image we create in our minds about our relationships, often influenced by our early childhood experiences. Imago therapists help couples in adult relationships understand each other in a way that looks at their deepest thoughts and fears in a way that considers each individual's childhood feelings, personality traits, upbringing, and development.
How do you practice Imago therapy?
Imago therapy services are practiced using traditional talk therapy with couples that uses dialogue to explore compassion and empathy for each other and thus resolve conflict and unhealthy behaviors and responses with concrete solutions.
Is Imago evidence-based?
While imago therapy is not currently considered evidence-based, introduction studies and a controlled trial of imago relationship therapy techniques have been carried out continuously in recent years to confirm its effectiveness for couples. That being said, countless anecdotes have shown its purposes have been a helpful practice for many, so it may still be worth bringing up to your therapist if it is something you are interested in. According to the New York Times, couples therapy, in general, is something worth investing in.
Are Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt still married?
Understandably, one would want to know if the founders of a popular couples and marriage therapy technique have been able to maintain a healthy relationship. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt have been happily married for over 30 years and are proud parents of six children.
Does Imago therapy work?
While there haven't been any studies yet showing the overall success rate of imago therapy, many people have positive reviews for their experiences. According to The Marriage Restoration Project, they see a 90% success rate for imago therapy within their practice. This may vary by location and quality of therapist.
What is the Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method is similar to imago therapy in that it is an approach to helping couples better understand each other and improve their relationship. The Gottman method is evidence and research-based and involves taking an assessment to tackle issues such as communication and intimacy.
What is an Imago match?
An imago match is a partner who reflects the characteristics of our parents or caregivers from childhood. This can be healing especially if you have wounds from childhood that can be mended with a healthy, loving connection.
Where does our Imago stem from?
Our imago stems from childhood and is influenced by our parents and/or our primary caregivers.
How do you use Imago?
Imago is used in imago therapy to understand our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors by analyzing our upbringings. How we are raised greatly influences how we interact in relationships, which is a central feature of analysis in imago therapy.
What is the Imago method?
The Imago method works to strengthen our current relationship by understanding and healing from early relationships. In fact, the name Imago even comes from the latin word “image” because its creators say it focuses on the unconscious image of familiar love. This method is seen as helpful because imago therapy suggests that we expect the love we feel within our romantic relationships in our adult life to either mirror the familiar love we felt in our early lives or to facilitate healing from negative emotional experiences we had as children.
How do you practice Imago therapy?
Imago therapy is practiced with the help of a licensed Imago therapist. Your trained Imago therapist will provide you couples or individual therapy tailored specifically to your needs and the needs of your relationship. Many therapists will also use a common Imago ground rule in their practice called “Imago Dialogue.” This means both partners agree that only one partner will speak at a time during the session. Other Imago therapists may suggest other ways to practice the therapy outside of sessions, such as using a family journal.
Is Imago evidence based?
Imago therapy is not currently evidence based but a randomized controlled trial found that couples who use Imago therapy for 12 weeks experienced statistically significant increases in marital satisfaction. Other peer reviewed studies on Imago therapy can be found here.
Is Harville Hendrix still married?
The founders of Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT), Helen Lakelly Hunt and Harville Hendrix, have been married for more than 30 years. Their lifelong journey together in both life and work has resulted in the type of committed relationship many who begin Imago relationship therapy strive for!
Does Imago therapy really work?
In Imago therapy, it’s possible to increase relationship satisfaction and have better communication with your partner through a deeper understanding of our past and present intimate relationships, as well as your partner's childhood experiences. This type of therapy is seen as helpful for married couples as well as premarital couples.
What is an Imago match?
An Imago match refers to the Imago theory that your early attachments are responsible for your relationship patterns later in life. For example, the positive and negative traits of your parents can be what you are attracted to in your next relationship or in romantic love in general. This means if you came from a childhood with painful experiences, such as domestic violence, addictive behaviors such as drug use or other types of addictive behaviors, it makes sense to see these same negative actions and traits play out in your romantic relationships later in life.