Why ab stay silent?

Friends or family members of survivors of domestic abuse often cannot understand why they stay silent about or try to cover up abuse. Friends or family members who may have an idea that abuse is occurring or witness abuse may become angry, frustrated, judgmental, or even sever ties with the survivors because it is painful to witness a loved one experience abuse. However, there are many reasons that survivors stay silent, including internal and external factors. Threats to kill survivors or their families, threats of continued abuse, as well as gaslighting, which aims to destabilize and undermine the survivors’ reality and lead them to question their own reality, can create feelings of low self-esteem, self-doubt, hopelessness, anxiety symptoms, depression symptoms, and even lead to Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. Survivors might also suffer from low self-esteem, engage in self-harm, or even attempt to end their lives. If you have been experiencing any suicidal thoughts, reach out for help immediately. You can reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Survivors may become more and more dependent on their abuser for approval or survival; they might try harder and harder to please the abuser in an attempt to experience less abuse. In addition, survivors of abuse may have been punished verbally, emotionally, or physically for trying to challenge the abuser, standing up for themselves, or expressing their own thoughts and feelings. After a time, survivors may begin to internalize these messages, self-censor automatically, and comply with the abuser’s requests to minimize violence.

Other major factors contributing to survivors staying silent are deep-seated feelings of shame, self-pity, or guilt. These feelings are often a direct consequence of experiencing abuse. Survivors might feel ashamed that they have endured so much abuse or believe that they are flawed and deserved the abuse. Survivors need to learn about trauma bonding and the psychological impact of abuse, making it extremely difficult to flee abuse. According to the Women Against Abuse, on average, it takes at least seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship before a survivor can successfully and permanently leave.

Other factors that might motivate survivors to stay silent are that they may be terrified of what friends and family might say, fear that they might not be believed, or fear being re-traumatized by being blamed for staying in the situation. In addition, abuse and patriarchal values reinforcing rigid gender roles, and women’s subservient roles, exploitation, or objectification are often reinforced in systems present within our culture. This is still evident in our media, TV, and films, courts, legal systems, current laws, cultural, societal, religious values, and differences of power in economic and employment sectors.

For survivors feeling stuck or trapped in an abusive relationship, there are resources and professionals available to provide support, help you develop a safety plan, and work towards leaving and healing. For friends and family, it is important to listen to survivors with compassion without being judgemental or critical.