why abuse survivors go back?

It can be very difficult to understand why someone would return to a relationship that is abusive and causing them pain. Understanding different psychological responses that can occur in an abusive relationship may shed some light on this problem.

When someone is being abused, they can develop sympathy for the abuser. This occurs when a cycle of abuse and remorse continues and is known as Stockholm syndrome. The abuser begins to develop positive feelings for the abuser, and an attachment occurs. We attach to people to survive when we believe we need them to meet our needs. This attachment can then lead to emotional dependence. For some people, abuse has been normalized in their childhood, and they may associate love with abuse.

After an abusive encounter, the abuser may become very apologetic and shower the abused person with apologies, gifts, and promises of change. Due to the factors discussed above, the abused person may believe what they are being told and summon the hope that the abuse will end. Humans have the ability to fantasize and emotionally attach to these fantasies. Many abused people have created a fantasy world where there is no longer the abuse, and the relationship exists in kindness.

As humans, we are susceptible to patterns and cycles. The cycle of abuse is not exempt from this rule. The abuse cycle includes a tension-building phase; an abusive event then occurs, remorse and reconciliation happen, and then there is a period of peace before the cycle continues again. This cycle can occur over and over again for many years. Sometimes there may be long periods of time between cycles, and other times, it may rapidly cycle. The abuse may also change over time and fluctuate between verbal and physical abuse.  Abuse can occur through financial control as well. When people have been trapped in a cycle of abuse, they may begin to blame themselves, become embarrassed, feel trapped and helpless, and even deny the abuse is occurring. If you have been experiencing domestic violence, reach out for help immediately. You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Abuse can be a complicated situation, and sometimes it is not always easy to recognize. If you are being abused or feel someone you know is being abused, please contact your local abuse hotline for confidential support.