why abuse victims stay?

Content/Trigger Warning: Please be advised that the article below might mention trauma-related topics that include types of abuse & violence that could be triggering.

One of the most common questions people ask victims of abuse is: why didn’t you leave?  Although this seems like the most straightforward answer, in reality, it’s a simple solution to a complex problem.

An abusive relationship almost always starts with an emotional bond--a strong connection between the victim and the abuser.  The victim may feel loved, taken care of, feeling important, being seen, etc.  They typically also feel a powerfully strong love for the abuser, which the abuser may reinforce via reciprocation of emotions. 

The first method abusers utilize to gain control of their victims is emotional abuse. The abuser slowly starts to pick apart the victim’s body image, capabilities, talents, values, intentions, intelligence, and anything related to their identity.  The victim may initially fight back or contest these jabs, though the abuser will convince them that their response to shaming is also shameful (aka, gaslighting). Once they have reduced their sense of self-worth and power to respond in each incident emotionally, the abuser will manipulate their victim through reclaiming their love for them, how they need them, and even use statements such as, “I’d kill myself if you ever left” to establish fear around the idea of leaving the relationship.  They will also slowly (and insidiously) break ties between the victim and any social/familial connections to isolate them.  This cycle will continue endlessly throughout the relationship.

Eventually, in most cases, emotional abuse will turn into physical or even sexual abuse.  When the abuser senses they have gained enough emotional control over their victim and have built deep fear around leaving, they will escalate to bodily harm.  Not only does the victim feel an absence of self-worth, connection to others, and loss of identity, but great fear regarding their sense of safety and what their abuser would attempt if they were to try to leave the relationship or seek safety.  The threat of ending the relationship is often sure to trigger more/heightened physical abuse so that victims will avoid these situations at all costs.  Many abusers threaten to or have murdered their victims following the threat of abandonment or actually leaving, often making it unsafe to cut ties.

It takes an incredible amount of support, planning, and precaution to help someone get out of an abusive relationship, and even more so if children are involved.  Many victims (aka survivors) successfully escape their abusers, though they continue to need ample help with the effects of the abuse they endured and the threat their abuser may still pose in their life. 

The best we can do is offer what support we can for victims both in and out of abusive relationships, help them seek safety if possible, and express understanding vs. expectations when they are brave enough to tell us their stories.

If you have been experiencing domestic violence, reach out for help immediately. You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.