Will abuse continue in every relationship?

Content/Trigger Warning: Please be advised that the article below might mention trauma-related topics that include types of abuse & violence that could be triggering.

If you are reading this response, you are probably wondering whether a current or potential partner will continue to be abusive to you, or you may be wondering whether a current or potential partner who has abused a past partner could become abusive to you.

First, it is important to note that abuse can be physical or sexual in nature and emotional/psychological. Abuse in relationships often starts slowly, and when it is allowed to continue, it will usually progress and become more severe. To answer this question, yes, abuse will most likely continue in every relationship unless significant changes are made by both the perpetrator of the abuse and the survivor.

What the survivor of abuse can do

A few things are very important for the survivor of the abuse to do first. The survivor should identify that they do not deserve the abuse that has happened or for the abuse to continue. The survivor did not cause the perpetrator of the abuse to be abusive. While it is common for the survivor to begin to justify the perpetrator’s behavior by assuming that they made the perpetrator upset, or by letting the perpetrator down, or by being completely inadequate as a partner, etc., the reality is that this mindset is often a result of the manipulation and violence by the perpetrator. It is not based on reality.

The survivor should make a plan to let others know about the abuse and follow through with this. Again, the abuser may be effective in manipulating the survivor into self-blaming or becoming embarrassed about the abuse, all to keep the abuser from obtaining outside support that could jeopardize the perpetrator’s ability to continue inflicting the trauma. There are many helpful resources available (and a simple Internet search of what is in your area can be a great place to start). Still, many people, for a variety of reasons, do not reach out for this help until the trauma becomes more and more severe. Once obtaining help, keep in mind that it can be tempting to return to the abuser. Many trauma survivors will also seek out others who are similar, either in personality or in lifestyle, to the initial perpetrator, only to find that the abuse continues. The survivor may benefit from seeking individual counseling to address factors contributing to this unhealthy relationship before beginning a new romantic relationship. Addressing mental health symptoms, substance use issues, and any past trauma experiences and resentments can be beneficial.

If you have been experiencing domestic violence, reach out for help immediately. You can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.