Can you teach me some different ways to control anger and how to show more affection?

Hi Crock,

Thank you for reaching out during this difficult time while you are struggling.  I am glad you have the ability to advocate for yourself and the insight to see your behavior towards others needs to change.  I do not know what you mean by abusive at times, I do not want to see anything escalate to the point of destroying people or relationships or even having legal issues come about.

There are anger support groups both on line and in person if that is something you are interested in.  I do not think you are at this point, but there are court mandated groups if things have gone that route.  If not, either individual and/or group treatment may be beneficial to you for several reasons.  I can also provide some other thoughts that I am hoping may resonate with you.

You mentioned wanting to change your behaviors and your words towards others.  You mentioned wanting to think positively.  There is something called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, otherwise known as CBT, that I would like to share with you. The basis of CBT is called a behavior chain. A behavior chain is most easily explained by saying the thoughts we have everyday in our head (we all do this, it does not make us crazy) lead to feelings or emotions and the combination of the two lead to our actions or behaviors. We have approximately 60,000-80,000 thoughts per day so most often, we not aware of many of the thoughts that fly through our brain. While you may or may not be aware of it, there are one or several thoughts that you are having before you start to feel any emotion. Those negative or unhealthy thoughts are leading to what I call uncomfortable feelings.  I say uncomfortable because I do not believe feelings are right or wrong, we as humans would rather experience certain ones over others.

One example of how it works could be, "That person has wronged me and is bad," which could lead to a feeling of anger (or something else, potentially disappointment) and then the behavior could be yelling or saying something nasty to the other person.  It can also be a cycle that every time you have a thought similar to the example I provided, the uncomfortable feelings get more intense. I call them uncomfortable feelings because I believe feelings are not right or wrong, they just are and they are yours. No one should judge them or tell you what you should be feeling. Every time a person has an unhealthy or negative thought, they re-enforce it to themselves and connect their neurons in the brain. Every time that unhealthy thought passes through the brain, the path connecting those neurons is dug deeper and deeper, hence sometimes getting ourselves into a vicious cycle. What I would like to see for you, is to replace those unhealthy thoughts with some thoughts that are healthier and more positive and dig a new path and connect the neurons in a different way. It does not happen overnight, it takes time, energy and effort.

I would also encourage you to look at the facts of the situation. What ever the thought is that you are having, is there any evidence to support it? Identifying your thoughts and changing them is one way to think positive.  In using the example above, has the person really wronged you or do you disagree with what they said or believe or their approach to the situation?

There is also the concept of the Anger Iceberg.  This says that anger is like an iceberg--only 10% is visible and the remainder is not visible.  Using this concept, people see our anger and our behaviors, we do not show them the other feelings or emotions we are experiencing.  Most people would rather feel anger than disappointment, betrayal, depression, jealousy, etc.  For example, if a husband cheats on a wife, the wife may rather feel the anger than the other emotions because the anger fuels her.  However, the more she focuses on the anger, it becomes more intense (like explained above).  Are there other emotions other than anger you are feeling in this interactions but anger is the one that is predominately coming through?

There is also something called the Circle of Control.  If you were to draw a circle and write everything inside of your control inside the circle and everything outside of your control outside of the circle, what would fall where?  Your thoughts, your emotions, your behaviors falls inside and other people's thoughts, feelings and behaviors falls outside.  Focus your time and energy on what you can control.  You get to control your responses and your actions towards.

I hope this was helpful to you and I wish you the best in your journey moving forward.

Best,

Erica