Can you help me work though a family issue?

Hi Emma!

A pleasure to have you here; my name is Lorena Klahr and I am a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Florida, USA. I am glad you are reaching out for help and hopefully we can work things out and answer some of your questions/ concerns/ current situation that may be affecting you.

While family celebrations are occasionally cheerful traditions filled with laughter and good moments, many people can find these reunions stressful! That's very normal! Some personalities clash and sometimes it is hard to see people and family you have not seen in a long time. I am curious to know specifically what you are dealing with so I can recommend and suggest the appropriate tools for your situation but I will go ahead and make it on general level, hopefully this will help.

10 tips to cope during the holidays:

1) adjust your attitude: instead of worrying by what will happen, choose a plan and attitude that will help you cope with the situation. Before the event, try to utilize some coping mechanisms or things that help you feel better (walk, draw, exercise, yoga, meditation, listening to music, cooking, showering, etc.)

2) have realistic expectations: do not expect that your relatives will change their attitude and ways of treating you if they have not through the years; example, if aunt Mary always tells you to wear a dress instead of pants, do not expect her to say or do something differently this time.

3) keep upsetting topics off limits: politics, religion, sensitive subjects, are you going to get married, are you having kids soon? plan to keep the conversation very avoidant conflict-free by avoiding things and topics that may trigger how the overall interaction is going.

4) accept that the only thing you can control is your reaction: you can't stop people from acting or saying things that will trigger you but you can make an effort of adjusting your attitude (tip 1) and then controlling how you will react when uncomfortable things are said to you.

5) do not drink too much; if you drink alcohol, do it in moderation. Everyone has a different reaction to substances and somehow they make us be more vulnerable so my advice is that to have a clear mind and try to stay substance free.

6) get active; as mentioned before, employ your coping mechanisms more that day. Thing about coping mechanisms as things you do that make you feel better (so for example exercise and yoga are good ones, eating healthy, sleeping 7-8 hours a night, getting exposure to sun light, being in nature, etc)

7) practice gratitude: think previous to the event all the reasons you are grateful to be where you are (a warm meal, a roof, a friend, a sunny day). Anxiety and negative thoughts are diminished when we focus on the positive things happening around us.

8) practice tolerance: practice being okay with what other people are saying although it may affect how you feel; perhaps, there are some comments or interactions that may make you feel triggered but if you know how to adjust your attitude it will be easier to pass through this.

9) take a deep breath: practice meditation, yoga, breathing exercises; inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4.

5 tips to cope after the holidays:

1) get back to your normal routine and schedule. Try to find again a sleep routine, eat healthy, start making arrangements with self care during the day and coping mechanisms.

2) continue or start an exercise routine; if you were not working out, I recommend to add a 30 to 50 minute routine of workout at least 3 times a week, optional what you want. If you were working out before, get back to track; start from the bottom until you get to where you were before.

3) schedule time with loved ones: this can be family, friends, co workers, whoever made you feel good and understands you as a person.

4) be grateful: be grateful for what you have in the moment, you are here and thankfully moving forward with life. Not everything works out as we want it to but the good thing is that you have intentions to continue becoming a better person everyday.

5) pay attention to how you are spending habits: try to recognize what you are doing in your routine and how this is helping you be the person that you want to be. What are you doing during the day that helps you feel good; again, exercise, walk, support system, cook, exposure to sunlight; whatever that when you do it it has a positive note on your end.

I am very glad you are here seeking help and having some questions, this is for sure the first step you need to take to becoming a better version of yourself. Have you thought about therapy? Having a neutral person who you can decompress with and express some of your life matters in a safe non judgmental space can be very helpful. I encourage you to try BetterHelp and see how you feel talking things at loud, I promise that the impact and how you feel afterwards is going to be better.

Let me know if you have any questions. Hopefully you have found this information helpful.

Respectfully,

Lorena Klahr