How can I help control the anxiety I suffer when I don’t hear from a person I’m dating for a while?

Thank you for submitting your question. I am sorry that you are experiencing some challenges in life right now.

The world is such a new and exciting place in terms of technology. We can be in contact with one another in so many ways and it can all happen instantaneously. It is convenient. It can be fun and is quite a modern luxury. Yet, at the same time it can contribute to anxiety. The dreaded “no response” can result in panic, hurt, and fear. Our minds can go to all sorts of terrible places. It can happen to the best of us at times.

The reality is that it is not at all normal to be on call for one another 24 hours a day. People are busy. Some even put their phones down and walk away – often for hours. And it can be as simple as that when you get no immediate response. At no other point in the history of humanity has this type of instant contact and support been possible. It is an entirely new phenomenon. And while yes it can make life easier. It can, as you are experiencing, have quite a negative downside. Particularly if we already tend towards being anxious.

One thing which can occur when we are dating and waiting on a response is that we like them so then we attach quite a lot into the outcome. We want very much for them to be “the one” and we thus can get very invested in the whole affair. Yet, we likely do not know much about them. We get too invested in a future with them. And while it is helpful to think about and plan for the future, you find yourself planning with someone you still don’t know very well. So, rather than being in the moment and focusing on what you yourself need to accomplish presently, you set everything aside to think about and worry over what will happen if they don’t respond. What does it say about you if there is no reply? What does it say about you if they don’t drop everything to reply quickly? What might happen if there is no perfect outcome with them? You get yourself stuck in a future and the worst-case scenario is playing out.

We have absolutely no idea why someone might get delayed in responding. In some instances, there are indeed those people who view it as a game and are manipulating things. That can be a red flag. It is their choice to play that game, but you do not have to participate.

There is one simple truth to hold onto: People in our lives will not always respond as quickly as we would like. That is normal. It is okay. We sometimes have to keep reminding ourselves of this. 

It sounds like this is an ongoing pattern for you. So, it is less about the other person perhaps and a lot more about you. It has more to do with your anxiety, your self-worth and perhaps some insecurities you are carrying with you. This is all a great opportunity to increase self-awareness. It is a chance for some growth. All this obsessing can be a challenging habit to break. But it is breakable.

One option to consider is taking a break from dating to become more complete on your own and to develop yourself more. Another person will never complete you. Placing that expectation on anyone else is likely not going to end well. It is far too much of a burden for a partner to manage. And you will in all probability always walk away disappointed. Another person cannot live up to that expectation. It is simply too much. So, this could be a great time to really get comfortable with just your own company. It can be a time to work on being okay with being alone and with finding happiness internally – because again, you won’t ever truly find it externally from someone else. Another person will complement you, but not complete your life.

Also, you might want to start thinking more about what you are thinking. Anxiety is often strongly related to our thoughts. We think so many things in a day. Thousands of thoughts. And most of them are not true. You really cannot believe everything you think! One strategy is to begin identifying your thoughts. Keep a thought record. When anxiety creeps up, notice what thoughts you have. Then put that thought on trial. Ask – is it true? What evidence do I have for or against that thought? What else could be true? The goal is to get better at noticing and dismissing the false beliefs that pop in your mind.

Remind yourself, too, that you are not a mind reader. Try to catch yourself when you start coming up with worst case ideas and guesses. Your mind does not know the difference between a made-up thought and reality. So, you begin to come up with made-up scenarios – and your brain starts buying into it. It is known as suspense anxiety. Catch yourself when you are making guesses.

Get busy. Be patient yet persistent with yourself. Go do something else. Distract your mind. Put your phone away. You already know this but keep at it. Again, work on yourself more instead of reaching for your phone hoping on that other person you think will make you whole. You are able to be whole without them so engage in activities that bring you joy and focus on work when it is time to be professional.

If this continues to be a struggle consider working with a therapist. A therapist can help you understand and identify what your unique circumstances are and why this is happening for you. And they can help you work on strategies to move forward.