How do I remain calm and confident under professional stress? How should I handle my grief?

Hi Bailey,

Thank you for reaching out during this difficult time.  I am sorry to hear you are struggling, I am glad you are advocating for your needs and looking for some additional support.  I am hoping what I write is beneficial to you.

I am going to start with grief.  Grief can be such a powerful and overwhelming emotion.  There are several stages to grief--denial or shock, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance.  There is no time limit on grief overall or for each phase and there is no specific order one has to experience the stages in, acceptance is always last.  People can go back and forth between stages as well.  I am wondering if you ever received any type of grief therapy or treatment for your loss.  I am not saying that will eliminate missing your mother, however, it may provide you with coping skills and ways to move through this powerful emotion.  

Grief also impacts all of us in different ways and can effect our sleep, eating habits, memory, physical pain, etc.  You may be grieving the loss of her and also all of the things she did not get to experience with you in your life.  I do not know how old you were when she passed, if you were not married or did not have kids or your dream job, you could be grieving the fact that she was not present for your big life events.  I am wondering if you have a tradition or ritual you do to recognize her on a certain day of the year?  It can be a day you choose, it does not have to be her birthday or the day she passed.

I am also wondering if you have explored the ideas of an in person or virtual support group for grief?  Peer support can differ from professional support and the combination of the two may provide you a more well rounded perspective.

I am hoping you are excited about this new job despite the intense training and some of the emotions it is bringing up.  There is something called The Circle of Control.  If you were to draw a circle and write everything in your control inside the circle and everything outside of your control outside of the circle, what would fall where?  Your thoughts, your feelings and your behaviors fall within your control.  Below I am going to explain how.

There is something called a behavior chain that says we have a thought and the thought leads to a feeling and the combination of the two lead to a behavior or action.  For example, if I start thinking I am going to be late to work and get in trouble, I may start panicking or feeling anxious and then I may start to speed. I mention this because we have 60,000-80,000 thoughts per day so it is difficult to be aware of everything single thought we have.  While it is difficult, try and slow down your thoughts and focus on literally what is in front of you.  It is called mindfulness, being in the moment and can be difficult.  You want to have all of your senses be involved in what you are doing.  An example would be when you are showering.  If you are being mindful in the shower, you are not thinking about what you are going to make for dinner and what you need to buy at the store, you are going to be feeling the water, the soap, the shampoo in your hair, etc.

I mention this because it's helpful to notice what you are thinking before you start to feel nervous and anxious.  Once you identify the thought, I am going to challenge you to see if there is any validity to the thought.  Do you have facts or evidence to support it or is there none?  If you are thinking "I can't do this" (I am just making this up) is there any evidence to actually support this thought you are having?

The more you think these thoughts, the more you connect the neurons in your head and a path is dug between those neurons.  The deeper the path, the more you think the thought without realizing, inadvertently digging an even deeper path, and it can become a vicious cycle.

You may also want to consider looking into a free app for meditation or relaxation and using it through out the day.

I hope this was beneficial to you and I wish you the best in your journey moving forward.

Best,

Erica