How do I stop self-sabotaging my college career and find motivation and purpose?

Hi Jo, 

When we engage in self sabotage the question becomes what is the underlying reason for this behavior. The answers that we come up with can be quite varied depending on the situation and what our feelings and motivations are. You mentioned that you are currently a Junior, have failed at least 5 classes and are currently failing this semester. In order for you to reach the Junior level, however, that means that you did not constantly fail every class up until now. If that had been the case you would not have advanced to your Junior year and would not have still been enrolled in the University 

How do you feel about your current major?  Does what you are studying excite you or is the subject matter boring and tedious? Are you at a point where you feel like you simply want to get out into the world and put into practice what you have learned or does working in the field you are studying sound horrible? Is your field of study one that you picked independently or did you go into it because you felt obligated like it was expected of you? Honestly thinking about all of these questions may help to shed some light on some of what may be contributing to the difficulties you are currently finding yourself having with motivation and self sabotage.

It sounds like fear of people's opinions of you has a huge impact on your life. If you ask for help, the fear is that people will think less of you and the same holds true for being honest in relationships. When we experience fear it is because we are faced with an unknown. The truth is that you don't know how someone may react when you reach out for help and this feels very vulnerable. In turn the brain tends to default to the negative rather than looking at all of the options that may be more rational and realistic.

One of the things that helps with this thinking is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, referred to as CBT. The cognitive model of CBT looks at how the thoughts that we have about a particular interaction with our environment evokes thoughts which in turn evoke certain feelings or emotions. The combination of our thoughts and feelings then evoke some type of behavior (not doing something is also considered a behavior in this model). Let me illustrate this with an example.

Suppose I am walking down the street and see a friend of mine. I say hello to my friend but they do not say hello back. This is the interaction with the environment that starts off the cognitive model. My automatic thought is "what a jerk! I can't believe that my friend ignored me like that" The emotions that these thoughts evoke are anger, frustration, and hurt. The combination of my thoughts and feelings lead me to ignoring my friend on purpose the next time that I see them. 

Now, let's look at this scenario using CBT. The initial thought that I have is the same. Automatic thoughts by their virtue are exactly that; automatic. While we can't avoid them, we can evaluate them when we realize we are having them. After my initial thought of "what a jerk! I can't believe that my friend ignored my like that" I stop and think to myself "wait a minute. I don't know all the facts of the situation. Sure I know that my friend and I were walking on the same street, but more than that I really don't know. Perhaps my friend truly didn't see. Perhaps my friend was lost in thought thinking about their day. Perhaps my friend had ear-buds in and was jamming to music in their own world." Now that I have realized that I actually don't know why my friend ignored me my feelings change. Instead of anger, hurt and frustration I feel concern and curiosity and think "Gee, I hope my friend is alright". The next time I see my friend I simply ask them about the day when I saw them and they ignored me. 

CBT provides us with the tools to examine our unhelpful thoughts and to evaluate them for healthier alternatives. CBT would be helpful in going on the journey of working on the unhelpful thought patterns that are contributing to the hesitation to ask for help as well as being less honest in relationships because of people's opinions about you. 

The journey to self improvement is a lifelong one and happens with small incremental changes along the way. Often having someone to walk alongside you as you explore these things and take this journey can be helpful in many different ways. 

You have come to the right place for someone to accompany you on this journey and to help you start making sense of the things that have been challenging