How do I take control of my life? I have anxiety about everything and overthink a lot.

Hi, thank you for reaching out to BetterHelp.

You have recently moved back with family that you describe as toxic after 6 years of being apart.  It might feel that you have achieved independence, freedom and high self esteem in that period of separation and moving back with them has set you right back.

I'm wondering what you mean by toxic. Whenever we have to interact with people who we feel are toxic this can feel detrimental to our wellbeing and our health.  In this case putting boundaries in place to preserve your mental and physical health is so important.  This means sending out the message to your family that your needs and happiness are important.  This also sends that same message to yourself.

Boundaries can be difficult to implement if they are not something that you used to having.  It might mean saying 'no' more often and putting your needs first.  When you do this you might feel uncomfortable but knowing that you are prioritizing yourself can help you to feel in control.  In this way you slowly begin to take back control and anxiety begins to reduce.  Reflect on areas of your life that you feel overwhelmed and stressed and it might be that these are the areas of your life that you need to put better boundaries in place to feel more in control.

It also feels like you are thinking of worst case scenarios and these thoughts are snowballing.  This is a form of catastrophizing and can contribute towards our feelings of anxiety.  When your mind takes you on these thought spirals you then begin to think that you are undeserving and that you are going to fail.  It might help to begin to write down those catastrophizing thoughts.  Write them as they come.  For instance, someone tells you that you did something wrong at work.  Your first thought might be, "I am so stupid.  How could I have made such a stupid error."  Following on from this your thoughts might then go like this: "They are definitely going to get rid of me for this error.  I'll bet they are taking about me right now.  I knew I couldn't do this job. I don't deserve this..." etc.  When you write it down you can see how it all gets out of control!

What we then do is challenge those thoughts.  For example challenging might look like; "Everyone makes mistakes.  Was it really that bad?  How about the good things that I have done today?" And you continue this instead.  Remembering that thoughts are not facts!

It also feels like you are missing your old life, friends and freedom.  You describe yourself as a 'hopeless romantic' and possibly you are comparing the life you had with how life is now.  A case of 'grass is greener.'  How often are you reaching out to those old friends?  It might be that you are feeling lonely and longing for some connection.  Can you make sure that you schedule contact in with your old friends regularly?

How about friends in your current situation?  You are at University abroad and I'm wondering if you are struggling to make friends now?  Are there any clubs that you could join or reach out to a couple of friends and go for coffee each week?  In this way you are taking control of what you can do right now.

Taking control can help to alleviate anxiety.  Make a list of all of the things that you can take control of in your current situation.  Put boundaries in place where you can.  Reach out more often to people.  Can you continue this list?  In this way you will begin to take charge little by little.