I have a crippling fear of failure and rejection. How can I move past these things ?

Dear Ike,

I am very glad that you reached out for some guidance and support.  It is important to reach outside of ourselves when we are struggling and have tried all we know to do and are still stuck.  We are made to be connected to others intimately and that includes caring for each other when we are struggling.  So I am glad you are reaching out for support.  I look forward to explaining some ways to step forward from where you are right now.  

It is so good to be asking for help and seeking to get guidance for what you are going through.  And through this question format, you are going to get the next one or two steps. And then I encourage you to continue to seek out support in other ways.  I will touch on that throughout this answer. 

I want to first touch on the fact that this struggle for you is crippling.  That is a big deal that this is taking you over so deeply.  I am so sorry that this is so hard and that it has taken over your mind and body in very powerful ways.  Your body is telling you that you need some support and guidance to move forward to health and freedom.  

Our bodies tell us when we are not OK by our pain and struggles.  And that is our signal that we need to change something.  Your body is telling you that there are some blocks to forward movement that you need to address.  Your body is telling you that you need something very different than what you are doing right now.  I am guessing that you have tried some things to help yourself, but it seems like what you have done is not helping you to move forward.  And I know that change and doing things different can be very hard.  And your body is screaming for that.  

I would encourage you to spend time sitting with why you are feeling the fear of failure and fear of rejection and fear of death.  Spend time looking at what brings about these deep fears and seek to learn more about what your body is telling you is scary.  Seek to sit with what your body feels and why you are feeling this way.  

Secondly, it is so important to talk with others about what you are feeling.  I encourage you to speak with others about what you are feeling and where those feelings come from.  This is very important because we as humans are hurt in relationship with others and we are healed in relationship with others.  So please find and build relationships with people where you can speak openly about these hurtful emotions. Some folks struggle with talking about these deep emotions with people in their life and have to start speaking with a therapist or spiritual mentor in order to start that process of being honest.  

Next I want to talk about how important it is to learn to do calming strategies for your body mind and soul.  When we have emotional distress, it is very wise to build in calming strategies for your body mind and soul. When we have deeply distressing emotions, we have to build in coping skills that target the body.  When we target the body, then the body can have some calming and that helps the brain to then have some calming and give you more of a chance to practice rational calming skills.  

So let's talk about how to calm the body.  There are many options, so I will talk about three and I encourage you to keep digging into other options for body calming actions.  First one is deep breathing.  When you breathe deeply, you have to make sure that your stomach moves outwards.  If your stomach is expanding outwards, then it is also expanding backwards and hitting the vagus nerve on the inside of your spinal column.  That nerve, when stimulated through deep breathing, tells the brain to turn on the parasympathetic nervous system.  This is the system that tells our body to calm down.  So seek deep breathing regularly so that you can seek to calm the body regularly.  Another body calming mechanism is movement.  It has been proven that going for a walk, hiking, other aerobic exercises as well as simple stretching connected to breathing is very powerful for calming the body.  Seek to build in exercise and wise movement on a regular basis.  One more body calming mechanism is bilateral stimulation music.  There are many options for this type of music on all the different music platforms as well as on youtube.  This music slowly goes back and forth between your right and left ears, so you need to wear headphones or ear buds.  This music helps to calm the body because of the back and forth stimulation.  This has been proven to calm the body.  It can also help with focus and sleep.  

Here is my favorite bilateral stimulation music:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eu_kSaFzSR0&list=RDEu_kSaFzSR0&start_radio=1

I want you to build in these calming actions on a regular basis, especially since you have these crippling emotions.  

Another important step to help you move forward is to work on letting go of the past.  Seeking to let go of the past is a process that needs to be taken seriously and also with kindness towards yourself.  I know many people utilize their faith to seek to let go of the past.  Other people seek to utilize self compassion and seeking to forgive themselves and others through the work of self compassion and self compassion meditation.  

Here is a good website to teach you about self compassion and some self compassion meditations and exercises that have helped people to let the past be in the past:

www.self-compassion.org

Please take the time to find a person to connect with on this healing journey.  That is going to be a foundation step to healing for yourself and your child!

I wish you the best of luck!
Paula