I’m not sure why I’m having panic attacks and anxiety when I’m with my boyfriend

Hello LadyA:

Thank you for your questions and reaching out for help.  Let me start off by letting you know that anxiety has the purpose of warning us that there may be something wrong or something bad may happen.  Your body may react automatically without you even being conscious of the response.  According to Cognitive Behavioral Theory the process is: Life Event -> Automatic Thought -> Feeling -> Behavioral.  An example of this process would be: Hear Thunder -> "I am in danger" -> Fear -> Jump up or Hide.  What is important to target is the "automatic thought."  These are formed in our brains due to our past experiences.  In the example, the automatic thought of "I am in danger" may come up because you saw someone get hurt by lightning or during a storm.  If you are able to identify, challenge and change the automatic thought, then you can experience a more "balanced" feeling and healthier behavior.  A more balanced feeling would be "Lighting can be dangerous but I am safe enough now."  A healthier behavior would be to calmly take appropriate precautions.  For more details and practice you can request to see "Challenging Anxious Thoughts Worksheet."  A panic attack is a more intense case of anxiety which may feel like a heart attack.  Something triggers your brain that you are in danger and sets off the "fight, flight or freeze response" where the need for your extremities be ready and full of blood which causes your heart to beat faster which in turn the need for more oxygen causes breath faster.  All these symptoms faster breathing, heart pumping faster and body temperature lowering mimic a heart attack.

In regards to you having anxiety and panic attacks when you are with your boyfriend, it is important to review what is it about this event, being with your boyfriend, that is triggering your brain that there is danger.  I know that this may be confusing since you love your boyfriend.  Being in love is not compatible with danger, consciously.  But your interaction most likely is subconsciously.  So it is important to see what your boyfriend represents or being with your boyfriend triggers "danger" in some way.  We can now discuss and gain insight in order to change that automatic thought.

Just to clarify, you mentioned that you are having "a lot of anxiety lately" and that you have panic attacks when you are "with (your) boyfriend."  I am assuming that the anxiety and panic attacks with this particular boyfriend.  Not sure if it has happened with a previous boyfriend, but that is fine, we will focus on your current boyfriend.  I do realize that you love him so it would not be something obvious that triggers danger, like him being threatening, aggressive or abusive.  I am also assuming that he is overall a good guy and there is not a history of any type of him being abusive in any way.  In that case, the danger would be his behavior or previous behavior.  I do not believe that is the case since you would be able to understand what is going on.  Although there are situations where people remain in abusive relationships and confuse "love" for "sentimentality" or overlooking bad behavior in a partner.  I am also assuming that is not the case.

In order for you to gain insight into the possible triggers of "danger", you first want to look into your formative years; your childhood and high school years.  How was your childhood?  Were there any negative life events that impacted your life?  Were there any negative male figures or anything that was negative that would in any way resemble your boyfriend?  How about your teenage years?  How were your friendships, your acquaintances and your dating relationships?  Where these relationships healthy?  Where they hurtful? or Where they healthy?  Were you ever a witness or learned about someone else being in some kind of danger with a close relationship?  Any kind of experience like this or something similar may have created an "automated thought" of danger near a boyfriend, or danger in a dating relationship.

I want to mention that besides danger of bodily harm, there are emotional, psychological or mental dangers.  By this I mean the danger, or your fear of being rejected, abandoned or not being able to create the kind of relationship with your boyfriend that you wish you can.  There are also other triggers that may have nothing to do with your relationship with your boyfriend.  Some examples of these other "triggers" may be others not approving of your relationship; a smell that reminds you of an unpleasant situation; thoughts of how your relationship may take a turn in life you will not enjoy; or if you may feel guilty or shame for being with your boyfriend.  

I know that I am putting forward many different scenarios because I do not know all the details of your past experiences or your current interactions. Obviously, most of my assumptions are not going to be right. I do not want to overwhelm you. You may have to do some reflection and identify what is it about "being with your boyfriend" that triggers your brain that there is "danger."  If you are able to find what this trigger is, you can challenge that automatic thought.  What are the facts that prove this automatic thought is true.  If it is false or partly true, you can change that thought in order to switch your feeling (from anxious to concern) and in turn have healthier behavior.  Your unpleasant interaction with boyfriend to a more pleasant, open dating relationship. 

You would greatly benefit from engaging in therapeutic sessions to address this issue. 

Respectfully,