I’m overwhelmed and need peace and to learn how to be decisive and also learn boundaries.

Hi Chic!

Thank you for this great question.    It seems so many of us struggle with just this dilemma, how do you choose the “right” life partner and how do you make the “right” decision?

Making decisions can be extremely difficult for many people.    What makes this so challenging is that most decisions aren’t, this or that or black and white.    Many decisions aren’t that clear.

The majority of the decisions we are faced with often fall in the grey area.   This tends to be what gets us stuck in having difficulty moving forward with a decision that needs to be made.

In order to make more clear and decisive decisions, it is important to understand your values.

Understanding your values is important for professional and and personal decisions.

With regard to connecting with a potential significant other, one of the primary pieces of information you will need, before connecting with anyone, is to know, and understand, your values.

What are those values that are the most important to you, the “non-negotiables.”

For example, if you would never date someone that smokes cigarettes, and you meet someone that smokes cigarettes, that would be an example of values not being aligned.

On the other hand, if doing volunteer work is a value that is very important to you, and you meet someone that also finds volunteer work important, that would be an example of values being aligned.

So, first thing you want to do is figure out your values.

You can do this be creating 3 columns.     Column #1 would those things that you value the highest.  Those values that are non-negotiable to you.   These are the conversation enders, where you get the red light to not proceed.

Column #2 would be those values that have some flexibility to you.   For example, someone that doesn’t like to spend time with their family, but you enjoy spending time with your family.  This could be a value that has some flexibility.   Family is very important to you and your partner enjoys spending time with your family, just not theirs.   Ideally you would want then to value their own family but you will be OK with valuing just your family.

Column #3 would be the non-negotiables themselves.   For example, someone that smokes, someone that doesn’t value family or someone that doesn’t do volunteer work, to name just a few.

So far, I have written about values and relationships.

However, values can help guide you in other areas of your life.

For example, with regards to work.    If honesty is one of the most important values you have, but you work for someone that is dishonest, this will cause struggles at work, including most likely anxiety.

I hope this information helps you make better/different decisions.

All the best!

Steven R. Levey, PhD, LCSW