What are some steps I can take to make myself more comfortable being alone?

Hello Murph, 

Thank you so much for asking this question. I am really glad that you are bringing this up, because there are lots of tangible skills that we can do and we are struggling with anxiety and depression. So I would encourage you right away to have hope that this is something that you can learn to manage, and even feel better about. The very first thing I would like to ask you to focus on is your breath. The ability to take intentional deep breaths is an essential skill to managing anxiety as well as depression. It may sound ridiculous on initial glance, but if you think about it, the breath is such a key organ in our body. It is so because it connects our unconscious nervous system with our conscious nervous system. It is the only organ that we can control, and it also impacts the other organs like the heart. When we have anxiety our heart races. This means that our heart rate is high. What is also true about anxiety as well as depression (but perhaps less obvious) is that our breath becomes shallow when we struggle with these things. Shallow breath means higher heart rate. They go together. So if you want to lower your heart rate, what you need to do is to be able to deepen your breath. And this is done through taking deep breaths. All too often we take our breath for granted. It is a simple place to start, but that is a good thing. So if you can help yourself develop a regular practice of tuning into your breath and taking really deep breaths, that right away will help with your anxiety. And when I say developing a regular practice, I would recommend that you practice at least three times a day taking two to three breaths at a time. You can also do what is called three by three breathing where you breathe in for three seconds, hold for three seconds, and then exhale for three seconds. I would highly encourage you to practice both of these types of breathing. Breathwork is the foundation for managing anxiety. Once you have that down you can build from there. I would even go so far as to recommend that you set a timer for yourself or write a note that helps you to remember to take deep breaths. When we are stressed out or anxious it's really hard in the moment to remember to take deep breaths, so this is why it is important to practice deep breaths when you are not stressed, so that when you are stressed you will be ready to do so.

Another suggestion is for you to journal about what is challenging about being alone. This is not an uncommon experience but it is important to know for yourself the things that make this challenging. If you can link things to past experiences this gives you a place to start with being able to work through the past experiences. I also want to encourage you to remember your hobbies. Sometimes when we are in an unhealthy relationship we lose sight of the things that make us happy or the things that we like to do. And then when the relationship is over we feel lost. But at some point, you probably had things that you liked to do or enjoyed doing. And to be able to rediscover these is really important. If you cannot engage with something that you used to like, I would encourage you to try new things.

This time of year can be challenging for people as well because of the weather and the lack of sun. If you find that you struggle more this time of year, that is important to take into consideration. Finding beauty is important, especially in this time of year, whether it is a photo that reminds you of something beautiful or a memory you have that you can visualize to help your mind and body find calm.

Also, especially for depression, if you can identify positive affirmations about yourself, this can help you find momentum in doing the things that will help you. If this is difficult, just acknowledge this but try anyways. Our brains run on circuits and habits, and it is important to break the habits that are not helping us and this takes practice and patience.

Lastly, through this process it is important to be kind to yourself. Life can be hard and painful but denigrating ourselves along the way only makes that worse. You can do this! Patience and kindness are important here so if nothing else, rely on those. I wish you the best in working on these things and finding the light in this darkness that you are experiencing.