What could it possibly be?

Hello Yui! Thank you for your message and your question. This is a very common question. Many people struggle with social anxiety -- some more than others. I guess the first thing I would want you to know is that you are not alone and there are a number of things that you can do to help yourself.

Anxiety in general is simply your nervous system reacting to a perceived threat in your environment. Your body reacts to cues that you may or may not be aware of. In your case, if you feel uncomfortable in social situations, a "cue" could be something as small as getting an invitation to a party. For whatever reason, you have come to believe that being in social situations is scary or threatening. Maybe you think that people are looking at you and judging you. Maybe you lack self confidence. Once your body perceives this "cue" -- danger ahead -- you go into what is called the "fight or flight" response. This is your body's automatic response to a perceived threat. Your body releases all kinds of chemicals in an attempt to help you prepare to either fight or run. This response is as old as man himself. We had this response back in the cave man days to help safeguard us from wild animals or other dangers. Problem is that sometimes it is activated today even when there really is no actual threat -- no tigers chasing us. Once your body is activated, you experience those uncomfortable feelings associated with anxiety. Here are some thoughts:

1. First things first. Learn a few mindfulness skills. These are skills that send messages to your body that you are "safe". That is what your body needs so that you can start to relax and calm down. Mindfulness skills can be found just about everywhere on the internet and YouTube. A few examples would be mindful breathing, body scan, walking meditation, yoga, anything that promotes leveraging one or more of your five senses -- sight, sound, smell, touch, taste. There is an entire curriculum of skills called DBT that teaches mindfulness skills. The idea is to stop and for a few minutes, put all of your energy and attention into one of these skills. Perhaps light a candle and for five minutes focus on how the flame flickers and how it smells. While walking outside, notice everything about the trees you pass. Listen to some music and try to identify all of the instruments. What this is doing is getting you out of your head where all of that rumination is going on and into your senses. This will help to calm your nervous system. You can practice these techniques as you prepare to enter a social situation and when you are in a social situation.

2. Learning about your core beliefs and your thinking patterns would also be very helpful. Our feelings -- all of which are 100% valid -- are typically triggered by our thoughts. We experience the world through our own life lenses. We all have our own spin on things. If we are in a situation and we think that we are being judged or we simply do not feel confident in our ability to carry on a conversation with others, those thoughts are going to result in feelings of anxiety. So learning to identify your most common thinking patterns along with more realistic ways of thinking is going to be very helpful. As an example, if I am walking into a party where I know very few people, I might be thinking, "This is so uncomfortable! I don't know anyone. No one will want to talk to me. I will stand out like a sore thumb and everyone will stare at me like there is something wrong with me." If I think like that, there is a good chance that I won't even go to the party. However, if I can really take a moment to take a step back and ask myself the question, "Where is the evidence that no one is going to like me or everyone is going to judge me? What am I basing this opinion on?" Once I realize that there is no evidence -- that I have essentially created a story in my head -- then I can decide if I want to hold on to that story or trade it in for something a little more realistic such as, "Well I don't know anyone but there are probably people here who also don't know anyone. Maybe I can put someone else at ease. And even if I am nervous, I will live. It is not the end of the world if I feel anxious." That is just an example of what we call reframing our thoughts. It is important to be able to do this because thoughts are not facts. We have thousands of thoughts every day. They are not all logical and we have to be able to decide which ones we want to hold on to and which ones we want to discard.

3. It is important to do regular self care. I call it your emotional bank account. It is much more difficult to handle uncomfortable feelings and uncomfortable situations when our emotional bank account (EBA) is empty. Deposits to your EBA can be anything that makes you feel good -- a warm bubble bath, reading a book, playing with your dog, taking a nap, going fishing if you like that, getting out into nature, exercise, and so on. Everyone has their own definitions of what fills them up. Identifying your own EBA deposits and then making sure you take time for yourself every day -- it doesn't have to be a lot of time -- will help you to be able to handle the rest of these exercises.

These are just a few ideas. Naturally, if your anxiety is debilitating to the point where you are unable to leave your home, you probably want to consult with a psychiatrist or a psychiatric APRN to see if medication is in order. Most of the time, people can learn to manage their anxiety without medication but we can't rule out the need sometimes. There are also some holistic approaches such as acupuncture, massage, and energy work that some people seem to benefit from.

Thank you for reading my response. I hope you have found this helpful.

Judi