How can I change my mindset to overcome life and Covid's setbacks? I'm more depressed than ever.

Hi Lee,

I appreciate your question and request for support - it really moved me. It sounds like you're really struggling right now. It takes, on the one hand, courage, to be as vulnerable as you are in putting out a call for help like this, and it can also take a sense of fear, despair, hopelessness, and desperation, to do so. So I very much appreciate the really difficult place it seems like you are coming from.

What I can say in response to your question is that, to me, the issue may not be so simple as changing one's mindset. That's not to say that that isn't a part of the equation, but my problem with this idea - pervasive across the mental health world as well as in popular culture, so I'm not faulting you for focusing on it here - is that it makes the problem too individualized, casts too much of the blame on *you,* the individual, without enough consideration for the larger social, political, economic, and cultural context. For instance, based on what you describe about your life and personal history, for years and years you've been working really challenging, maybe even backbreaking, jobs, in a notoriously difficult industry, replete with burnout, high turnover, addiction, and the like. Now I know the term "service industry" covers a wide range of potential jobs, and I don't pretend to know exactly what kinds of jobs you've done throughout your life or are doing now, but I know that generally speaking, these are jobs that our country and economy rely on, day in and day out, in order for things to work. And yet, despite the crucial role these jobs play, despite the fact that our economy quite literally *would fall apart* if not for the people doing them, these jobs are almost always poorly compensated, non-benefited, and, as you allude to, make it very hard if not impossible to plan financially for the future. So, you've been put in a very difficult spot by a pretty dehumanizing system. And, it's not your fault. Presumably, you've been working hard, doing what you're "supposed to" be doing, and are coming to a realization that you don't have nearly as much to show for it as you should. If I were in your shoes, I would very likely feel similar to the way it seems you are feeling - down, depressed, and like the bad days are "winning out" over the good days.

So all of this said, what can you do? First, as down as you may feel right now, I don't believe the situation is hopeless. Who do you have for support? Who can you turn to in difficult times? If you have a hard time answering these questions, you might consider trying to find a therapist or other professional whose job it is to support people through difficult times like these. I say that knowing full well how difficult it is for people to find therapists with openings these days. (Nowadays, it is becoming more and more common for employers to offer "EAP" benefits, which usually include a small number of free therapy sessions. I wonder if your job might offer this. It could be worth looking into.) If you want to try to find a professional and are having a hard time finding someone, and if you're finding yourself in a really low spot and feel like you have nowhere to turn, you can always call (or text) a mental health crisis support line. Since I don't know where you are located, I'll tell you about this service that's staffed 24/7 nationally (and I believe internationally, through WhatsApp): https://www.crisistextline.org/ And here is another option where you can call by phone and speak with someone 24/7: 1-800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Depending on where you live, 211 can also be a resource to help you find the services you need: https://www.211.org/

I'd also be curious to know - what kinds of things do you normally do to help yourself feel better, or maintain, or cope with difficult thoughts, emotions, and moods? What normally helps, or has helped in the past? Perhaps there's an activity, or a friend, that's helped you when you've felt really down in the past. And if not, that's okay - it's always possible to identify new people, activities, or techniques that can help.

On this note, to the extent that changing your mindset is a part of the equation - and I do believe that it is - a lot of therapists work using a practice called CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The basic idea is that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all inextricably linked together, so that when we're experiencing negative, maybe self-critical thoughts, these thoughts impact how we feel, and then how we feel impacts how we behave...which then impacts our thoughts and feelings, and you can see how this *can* become a pretty vicious cycle. This is an approach to therapy I typically recommend to people who are looking for ways to change their mindset. But again, I want to stress that in my view, the problem does not lie only with you, or even primarily with you, though you of course still have the ability to change it, which is where something like CBT comes in.

Finally, since you mention your son, and it seems like your role as a father is important to you, I would be curious to know what your relationship with him is like, and how that relationship might be a source of support for you (or might not be). I'm also wondering what it might mean to you that he is now 19 - the same age that you were when you started working in the service industry - and in what ways that might be contributing to some of the heaviness you're feeling these days.

Lee, I wish you nothing but the best. I know you are in a really tough spot right now, and I'm sending lots of love, warmth, and care your way, as you try to find a light in the darkness.

With care and tenderness,

Chris