How do I find happiness within myself?

I’m sorry that you’re struggling right now. The feelings you’re experiencing happen to a lot of people. Know that you are not alone. And know, too, that things can get better for you.

An important first step when experiencing these types of symptoms is to be sure that there aren’t any underlying medical conditions which could be contributing to or causing the problem. I would encourage you to consider discussing the situation with your doctor to rule out any possible health concerns which could be at play. This might entail having bloodwork done and/or other tests. Additionally, it would be valuable to consider any nutrition or lifestyle factors that could be involved. For example, deficiencies in certain vitamins can cause depressive symptoms, anxiousness, and sleep disturbances. Something, too, such as inadequate sunlight can depress our mood. All of these are simply things worth thinking about. Sometimes, there are biological, physical and/or environmental factors which play a role. Addressing these alone might solve the situation. Or, if there are additional mental health concerns, paying attention to these things can still be part of the solution. Our minds and bodies are very interconnected.

You mention feeling depressed and having trouble sleeping. Often, when we feel depressed it can become more difficult to fall or stay asleep. Then, as we become more tired, we tend to become more depressed. We can get caught in quite a problematic cycle - which there seems to be no way out of. Depression and insomnia tend to coexist. The insomnia could be a symptom of depression. But it can also be an entirely separate condition such as sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, or even teeth grinding. Again, seeing a physician will ensure there isn’t some else going on. Also, paying attention to developing good sleep hygiene habits might be beneficial. This can include meditation exercises to help you relax before bedtime, staying off screens (televisions, phones, etc.), getting outside in the sun (especially in the morning), getting in some exercise (walking is a great option), and avoiding alcohol.

In regard to finding happiness within yourself, happiness is something which we can achieve but which can also sometimes feel hard to make happen. Happiness is not simply the opposite of being sad. It can mean feeling less stress, having more meaning and purpose, better life satisfaction, and more positive emotions on an ongoing basis. True, genuine happiness tends to come from experiences, relationships, gratitude, and being content with who we are and the life we have.

It can help to be mindful of an important fact - our minds have a tendency toward a negativity bias. This is because our brain wants to keep us safe. Our brain has to be on the alert for any potential dangers or problems. This is certainly a good thing if there is a threat. But, at the same time, this effect can begin to work against us and influence relationships, mood, decision making, and our perceptions of others and the world around us. We might dwell too much on darker thinking and it can become more challenging to remain optimistic. For some of us, we need to work a bit more to overcome the negativity bias within ourselves. That’s okay and it’s doable.

One factor which contributes to happiness is something which we have a lot of control over – the power of being grateful. At every moment of the day, we have the ability to find something to be grateful for. It might require that we become more observant. We may need to reframe our thinking a bit. Let’s say it’s raining. Your mind might naturally jump to why that’s bad – it’s gloomy, it ruined your plans, and/or you have to walk a long way and you’ll get wet. Take that and reframe it – the grass will be greener or you won’t have to water your lawn, or it’s a chance to make new plans perhaps staying inside and getting cozy with a cup of hot cocoa.

Being grateful might also look like taking a moment here and there to find something to appreciate. It can be something really simple. It can be anything. Maybe you’re grateful that you have a soft pillow to rest your head on. Maybe you're grateful your favorite song is playing. Perhaps you can appreciate that you have nice eyes. Or any number of things. Any little thing is something to be grateful for – I’m grateful I have warm socks to put on so my feet will stay warm. 

What also might be helpful is to change some of the patterns in your life. Try thinking of some ways to add in little joys and small pleasures. Maybe invite a friend to coffee. Get your nails done. Find a new book to read. Watch some funny videos. Seek out ways to deliberately and consciously direct your attention towards joy and to help pull yourself out of the negative mindset. Will you go for walk? Listen to some upbeat music? This alone won’t solve everything, but each little thing will help pull you away from the negative and bring a little reprieve from it. What little thing can you do to bring a bit more pleasure into the day?

Finally, a lack of happiness oftentimes can be the result of us not having a clear sense of meaning and purpose. Working on this will require a bit more time and effort. You’ll want to become more aware of your values and passions. You might want to consider your current qualities versus which ones you may want to develop further. All of this can come about from self-reflection and asking lots of questions. You can do this alone or working with a therapist can be helpful. 

What you’re experiencing is common and life does not have to continue like this. Again, consider being sure there are no medical issues present. Also, think about talking with a therapist. A therapist can support you in exploring how you got to be where you’re at and can help you find a better way forward.