How do i respond to a partner who is struggling with recent depression/anxiety that won’t seek help?

Hi There,

First, I want to thank you for sharing your experience and being so open about the struggle supporting someone who is experiencing a mental health issue. It is such a challenging position to be in as a partner because we want to take away the pain that the person is feeling and "fix" the problem or help them find the solution. As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, I'm sure you know very well that it's not that simple and can be really frustrating to feel that way. 

The first thing I would suggest is listening and validating his experience. Since this is new to him and he doesn't typically feel this way, allowing him the space to vent and process is very helpful at times. If he has little to no insight into how to manage these feelings, simply getting them out can be helpful especially in a non-judgmental space. I recognize that listening to the same feelings and thoughts over and over can be frustrating for you, so make sure you are taking care of yourself during the process (more on that later). If he's struggling with other areas like doing chores or caring for himself, helping to take some of the burden off of him could be helpful during this period of time, although you'll want to make sure that you have set your own limits as to how long you feel comfortable doing that.

Helping your partner by validating his feelings but reframing them can be helpful, too. When he says things that are disparaging about himself, you can validate what he's feeling (i.e. disappointed that he didn't get the job, frustrated by the lack of career growth, defeated by not getting something he worked hard for) and remind him that although one situation didn't go well for him, it doesn't characterize his entire worth or personality. An example would be, "I know how defeating it is to put all of your energy into something and not get it, but it doesn't mean that you're an idiot." Even though he has the opportunity to re-apply for the job in a year, that might not seem like a possibility for him right now, although it doesn't mean that he won't change his mind further down the road. Sometimes helping people recognize that not getting something they want doesn't necessarily signal failure. It might not be a "no" just a "not yet."

In addition to providing a safe space to talk and validate his feelings, showing your partner that you love him can help to mitigate some of the worthlessness that he's feeling. By having constant support and love, it can help him feel more supported during a very stressful and dark time. Remember that you can't be his partner and his therapist, though. Encourage him to seek additional support as a way to help him feel better and to provide a space where he can be completely open and honest. However, we can't force anyone to take action. All we can do is remind them that there are avenues to explore if he's feeling anxious or depressed. 

The final thing that I think is really important to remember is that supporting a partner who is struggling takes a toll on our own mental wellbeing. Be sure to take time to fill your own cup. You can't pour from an empty one! By ensuring that you are taking time to care for yourself, you are accomplishing two very important things: giving yourself the same respect and care you give to others and also setting a great example for your partner by showing what it means to care and love yourself. If you find it to be overwhelming to support him, don't be shy about taking your own advice and seek additional support to help you get through it. 

I hope that your partner finds the space to begin healing from his struggles and I hope that you take care of yourself during the process of supporting him.

All the best to you!

Hannah