Ask a therapist > Depression > I am depressed and I don't know what to do anymore

I am depressed and I don't know what to do anymore

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 10 months ago and I haven't recovered from it. I blame myself for pushing him to break up with me because I don't feel i was affectionate and caring enough towards him and I did not reciprocate how much he seemed to like me. I have been depressed since then. I have tried to reach out to him, he has moved on. I am failing to move on from it and I still ruminate over things that I could have done differently to save the relationship. He always wanted to get married and have children and there is nothing I want more right now. I have tried to move on, I have tried to date other men, but all i do is think about him. I have prayed about it. I still have breakdowns over it to the point where i just cry in bed unable to move. It has affected my negatively outlook on life. I do not feel motivated to achieve anything or to make something of myself. I just wish i could have one more chance with him. I feel like I have just been moving through life as a ghost since then. A shell of my former self. I used to feel at peace with myself. Now i am so scared of spending time alone because I am scared to be alone with my thoughts. How i had finally found someone who was seemingly obsessed with me and I ruined it. I am 28 years old and a lot of my age mates have gotten married and started families. I never used to compare myself to people before this but now I can't seem to figure out what is so wrong with me that I can't make a relationship last. I am at a point where i feel i have achieved enough in my studies and in my work that I just want to focus on being a home maker. I no longer feel I can enjoy my interests and hobbies. Listening to music and watching series reminds me of my ex because we used to do that together. All it does is make me cry. I used to enjoy traveling, but it feels so lonely. I just think about all the things I want to show him and tell him. To this day. And it's so difficult to talk about. I've been depressed over a man and its so embarrassing to even say out loud. I was on anti depressants for a month but I did not feel they helped. I need help because I really don't know what to do anymore to escape the prison of my mind.
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Asked by TPM
Depression
Answered
11/15/2022

Sounds to me like you are depressed and mourning.  Essentially, you are suffering a significant loss and you seem to be grieving the loss.  That is totally ok to do right now considering the fact that you were probably very close with your boyfriend.  At some point, you will have to move from mourning the loss towards honoring it and allowing that wound to heal so that you can move forward. 

It sounds cliche, but you have to be good on your own before you can be good with anyone else.  Many people get into relationships just because they are "afraid" of being alone or when they are not mentally or emotionally stable.  Typically, those relationships wind up being with significant others who are toxic and further hurt/traumatize the other person.

Learn to love you.  Place your focus on your needs not your wants.  There is a distinct difference.  Wants are typically superficial and/or materialistic.  "I want a sports car, but I can live without it."  You can't survive without having your needs met.  You can use food and water for examples.  If you don't have those, you could not survive.  So put it into practice.  Do you want or need a significant other?  Do you want or need to go on a vacation?  Do you want or need to go out and party tonight?

When in a relationship, you want to pay attention to resentment as well since that is the catalyst for relationship decompensation.  It usually happens when one or both people in a relationship are not getting there physical or emotional needs met.  They try to voice their need for change to occur, but the other person doesn't change.  Then the resentment grows until the relationship falls apart (break up, cheating, divorce, etc.).  Also, you are an individual and have your own path.  Just because other people have careers and families doesn't mean you are "behind the ball".  It just means you haven't gotten there yet.  You will in your own time.   If you want to start a career, then that is what you do.  If you want to go to see a movie, then go.  You don't need anyone else, but you.